Decluttering Pandora’s Box

[Zephyr478]

A year ago, I lost my elderly mother. She was my “one” . It’s been hard. I have endured anxiety for decades, bouncing between trying to stretch my  comfort zones and limiting agoraphobia.

Now that the Estate has been concluded, I am in a position where I have no option but to start over again. It’s freaking me out somewhat. So in an attempt to control the situation, I decided to start a big declutter. In the dumbest move ever, I thought it would be a good idea to start with the hard stuff first. I’m talking all the sentimental stuff, not only belonging to myself but also both my parents. Triple Swedish Death Cleaning, is never a good idea. ( apologies for the gallows humour). 

Naturally, I became overwhelmed rather quickly, but had difficulty stopping myself.

After a sleepless night, I had a morning meltdown.

I have reached out to friends and family asking for help.

I just wanted to share on this forum with others who understand how precious it is to seek hope…

[Sophie_M]

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like you’ve been through an incredibly difficult and emotional time. Losing your mum, especially when she was your “one,” leaves such a deep ache, and it’s understandable that trying to sort through her belongings brought up so many feelings.

It’s really positive that you’ve recognised when things were becoming overwhelming and that you reached out to family and friends for help. That takes real strength, especially when anxiety and grief make it hard to reach out. Sometimes just saying “I need a hand” can be one of the hardest parts.

Be gentle with yourself as you go through this. It’s okay to take small steps, to pause, or to leave some things for later. There’s no right pace for grief, and you don’t have to do it all alone.

Thank you for trusting the community with your story. You’re showing so much courage in the middle of something really painful.

Take care,
Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear Zephyr478~

I'd like to join Sophie in welcoming you back to the Forum and and am saddened to hear for the death of you mother, who sounded like your rock.

I found when my partner (who was my rock) died there was a very strong temptation to get rid of all of her possessions. I don't know why, maybe I wanted to feel she had never been there, I dunno.

I do know htat I regret doing that and feel I should have taken a very long time to do this, and some of the sentimental things should have remained (fortunately some escaped and I now have them). My attitude to my loss changed over the years and now I can look at something -perhaps a photo - and feel the warmth and happiness we both enjoyed at the time.

So might I suggest if you still have some things you think twice before removing them, they hurt now after a year, but may comfort after a longer period.

You did mention the Swedish Death Clean, though that might have been humor. I had one stage where I was led to believe I had a cancer that only left me a few months. I found that the things I cleaned out were in my mind, realizing and retaining what was truly important such as hte love of others and discarding the rest, such things as taking on too much responsibility for adult children.

To start with after your mother's death you may well have felt completely overwhelmed and helpless. As time goes on I hope you too realise the important things, and come to realise you are equal to them

Having had a rock would have been a great thing for you, and over the years you would not only have come to know and love here very well but wold also know what she was liable ot say in any given situation. That knowledge is still with you and may help you gain confidence to continue your life, leading to a happier time.

Please do not be shy to have asked for support from your family and friends, facing things alone can be so much harder.

You will always be welcome here

I also think Indigo gave you good and understanding advice.

Croix