Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting and being a part of Beyond Blue online.
Over the years I have suffered from a lot of anxiety and OCD type traits. It's been really difficult for me to deal with my own behaviour, which I know myself is not a rational way to behave. I have problems with needing to constantly move things, not in any particular way just needing to move everything that I notice has been touched by someone else- this mainly is only inside my home as I can control it in my work environment. The problem has been a lot worse lately.
I am working for a company that is high pressure and i have been at this role for almost 8 months. I am yelled at constantly, but not just told off they scream at me in front of the other staff members, tell me I am hopeless and swear. I am constantly blamed for things that aren't even my fault. I thought that i was coping with the yelling, as I could go home and continue to work ignoring the problems, I don't even cry about it anymore. Although, I have noticed that there are physical effects from this that is contributing to my anxiety and my behaviour. I have been sleeping for hours on end, I go to bed at 9pm and sleep through until 7:30am- I have to leave the house at 8am for work and I use to walk my dogs every morning but I find that I cannot get myself out of bed anymore until I am almost running late every day. At times, I have been so stressed about going to work, that i have had issues with being sick.
They offered me a full time job, but i could not afford the pay cut. They removed the offer and advertised for my replacement, who I will be training. I have not been told that I will be loosing my job, at this stage they have said that they are a back up in case I want time off- but I know this is not the case. I thought that i was okay and coping, but everything seems to be not only effecting me but it is having terrible consequences on my fiancé, who does not deserve to go through it.
My fiancé has told me that I am nasty at the moment, that I keep talking about my job and making niggly comments to him about everything. Everything is annoying me but I don't seem to realise. In my sleep, I continually push my partner off of me, I won't let him near me but I don't know it is just sub consciously happening. On top of this, I cannot control my need to move things anymore- I know i need to see someone about this to but i guess that i dont want to admit to myself that i have an issue.
