Blue still...

[Fifodad12]

Ive been an underground driller FIFO for about five years. Two and a half years ago my world was turned upside down by a deceitful ex wife who left me for her boss, left a huge amount of debt for me to pay alone, and worst of all attempted to estrange me from my children if I didn't pay what she wanted for child support. It was a dark time in my life that had me completely lost and broken. I would say looking back the weight and shock of it all sent me into a depression which I struggled with alone. But I tackled it all and triumphed rectifying most of the issues that stemmed from that situation and have a working relationship with the children's mother which sees me having them full-time on my breaks from work and doing well in my job and getting financially right. Things are on track and I'm doing better than I was. But, I am having some really sad thoughts and feelings of inadequacy. I was hit pretty hard by what happened. During that time I pushed friends and family away because I was so embarrassed by it all and started drinking heavily and still sort of do. I can't seem to allow myself to develop the motivation and energy to invest in a relationship or make and maintain friendships despite the fierce loneliness I feel every waking moment which is nearly always because I can't get to sleep without assistance and if I do manage to sleep it's not for long. I am far from home my support network is small and overseas for the most part. I can't help feeling that I should be better than I am. I find myself comparing myself to everyone in my life and that I meet. I don't know what is wrong, I know I have something. I have some sort of depression or anxiety thing but I've not really reached out for help. Things are good looking in from the outside I guess. I have straightened my life out and am in a good position, I should be happy but i am just so lonely and the thought of letting people close to me scares me. I'm afraid I'll fall short or fail them. I feel like these feelings a holding me back and don't know how to shake it. Some help would be nice, but I get hardly any time at all to get it sorted. It's been a struggle since it happened but the struggle inside still feels just as intense now as it did then. Any ideas for me?

[Quercus]

Hi Fifodad12 and welcome!

I'm sorry that your post seems to have slipped through. We do care are just utterly human too 😊.

Betrayal. Urgh. That horrible disgusting feeling that sits like lead in your gut when someone you love lets you down.

I am not really surprised you're struggling still to be honest. We get used to feeling safe and stable within a relationship when kids arrive. The fact that they chose to have your child. It really does (well for me anyway) say they're in for good and bad. So the shock of not only losing your wife but then having to fight to see your children. Well that is beyond cruel and a massive shock.

So... If your life is back on track everywhere but mentally what are you prepared to do to manage this? It is your choice. Only you can decide what steps you are comfortable with.

This is a safe place here... noone will judge you if you decide to talk about it. But this alone is not enough. If you are depressed or anxious it is a medical condition and really does need to be managed.

A good first step is trying some of the online tests on the BB website for depression and anxiety. Then you could print it off and show your GP (book a long appointment so you're not rushed). Tell the GP how long you have been feeling this way and be as honest as you can. You don't have to share details if that makes you uncomfortable. Or you could print your post. Sometimes we get into the doctor and they say how are you... And we clam up and say oh yeah not too bad out of habit. Then walk out feeling distressed. So having your words on paper to speak for you can really help.

You mentioned pushing friends and family away. They need to know something about how you're feeling to be able to help you. How about sending a few texts saying belated happy new years...sorry I have been awol I've been struggling a bit. Then see what replies you get. Usually good friends are just waiting to be asked for help. They might not be aware how bad you're feeling.

I won't overwhelm you with suggestions. Just the two most important for now... Medical attention and support networks. I really hope you can come back and talk some more.

Please take care of yourself.

Nat