avoidant boyfriend broke up with me

[mimz666]

we were together for about 6 months. our relationship started very hot and heavy he told me he saw a future with me wanted to have a family with me and have a family with me. we went on a. 3 week trip to Europe and had such an amazing beautiful time. he met my father told him he was going to marry me and we were looking at what kinda wedding rings we would hypothetically want. when we got back home from our trip he became distant disappeared and completely left me in the dark. he told me 2 days ago he needs to be alone to better himself and love himself enough to be in a relationship with me and have the future we talked about. part of me doesn't believe this, ive realized he has extremely deep seeded dismissive avoidant attachments and as soon as we started getting really close and serious he ran away. what do I do. I feel so torn up inside. less than a month ago we were closer than ive ever been with anyone. now he says he needs "time" to become happy with himself. he pursued me but wasn't ready fro a relationship. he made me fall in love and then jumped ship the moment he felt vulnerable. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry to hear about this, I know its really upsetting having had 3 long term relationships all over 7 years duration. Each shattered me, but now I've been married 15 years and its near perfect.

So, having worked with men all my working life about 40 years, I know them very well. I used to work nights with security and colleagues eventually spilled their life story out. Some of these guys were good honest men and others were deceitful, dishonest and sneeky. The latter, many cheated on their partners and I had met many of the partner as they visited the guard rooms during shift, they were all loving women fully unaware of the secret dealing their men were up to during the daytime when she was at work.

I'm not saying he is up to something but you should keep your thoughts open as its only been 6 months. 

The other problem is sometimes people can suddenly change their minds, it could be any number of things so I cant speculate.

Either way whatever the problem is it is his problem. You have no option but to allow his free space and hope for the best. If it was true love from him to you he'll not let you go and return. If that happens be on your toes because to reject you like that could occur a second time. Sometimes people have inground habitual behaviour. I'll give you a prime example. I was 21yo (now 70) and fell in love with a lady 27yo. We had an on again off again relationship for 7 years. Every single week of that 7 years she left me at least once leaving a letter on the dining room table and each time it shattered me. She left because she had a history of psychiatric issues stemming from having a child adopted at 15yo. So after 6 years I put it to her that unless she sorted herself out in 12 month was up we'd separate, yep it happened when that time came up. It was the hardest thing I've had to do- put my own mental health above the love of my life.

Twenty years later I'd married with kids. I was in her neighbourhood and she was gardening. I walked up and we chatted. I asked her if she was in a relationship, she was, for 4 years. "Have you left letters to him and left"?  She had, in fact he was enduring the same behaviour as I had tolerated.

So, sometimes you have to care for yourself especially when your loved on isnt caring for you as much as you care for them.

I do hope it works out but being realistic is a very hard thing to do.

Are you ok?

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[mimz666]

hi, thank you so much for your words. im sorry to hear about what you've been through but im really happy that it seems you ended up with someone that could hold your love and let you hold theirs, I find comfort in that.

im doing ok it comes in these overwhelming waves of grief sadness and anger. 

I know I will never know why.

when we first started dating I found out after he was getting out of a 6 year relationship that he very obviously didn't take time to heal from. im coming to terms with the fact that he used me as a rebound. I keep asking myself if our love was real. I know he didn't mean for it to become so serious but he told me it just happened it wasn't something that could be helped he just "loved me so much." but I think it finally all came crashing down, the realization that he wasn't over the pain of his last relationship so how in the hell can you be present in another. it is a cruel cruel thing to make someone love you and then leave them. I feel so alone and so abandoned. I have so much love to give. realistically I know I don't deserve this but my heart wants him.

I wouldn't be surprised if someone else caught his eye. he seems to have wandering eyes as a means to escape. he cheated on his ex multiple times. 

[randomxx]

Hiya mimz.

l'm afraid l gotta go with things and concerns Tony has said, l'm sorry to say.

But just with your last post here, really, don't hold your breath for him , even if he comes back squirming, protect your heart.

A wondering eye isn't escapism , it's a wondering eye that wants to take that further, l'm male too.

But the just broken up with an ex thing too, whole nother animal on top l'm sorry.

Hemight think he wants you or this and that but pls, just protect your heart bc so soon , we don't really know wth we want and women are exactly the same.

Good luck anyway

rx

[Guest_20606283]

Hi, I’m sorry you’d gone through this. Avoidant dismissive are a broken kinda of attachment and I wish you luck.