anxious and lost

[stuggelingmumandwife]

Im a mother of 2 and have been marred for 10 years. Before i met my husband i was a single mother.  I was single due to my ex committing suicide. I have always struggled to not blame myself for this which has caused me to be diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Over the last 9 years i have not controlled it well and have been nasty to my husband at times. A few weeks ago he told me he didnt know how he felt anymore and didnt want to live the way we are. My anxiety has hit the roof but i have gone on my meds and bookes in to see someone. Im going to gym to try to boost my confidence as well however i had a melt down over something small at a friends bday party which has caused my husband to really not know what he wants. He says he wants to try and work things out but wants me to focus on me. Because i am tryingto hard he also feels i am smothering him. I am so lost aa i dont know what our futrue holds. He gets upset when i struggle and says it makes things worse.  So im trying to put a brave face on  but deep down i feel like im falling apart. Hoping someone can give me advise. I have been a very up and down person who desperately wants to be normal again

[JessF]

Hello struggling, as I'm sure you know, anxiety is a vicious circle. It makes us worry about things, about the future, about things that may not and probably will not ever happen. The more you desperately want (and are anxious about) wanting to be 'normal' again, the more wound up you will get.  The first step is to be kind to yourself and recognise the progress you havemade already, that you have recognised you need help, that your behaviour has been hurting your relationship, and that you have taken steps to get that help. You are already on the road to recovery, but it won't happen overnight.

[stuggelingmumandwife]

Hi JessF  thank you for the lovely comment. I think the hardest part is worrying that i wont be able to remain a changed person. I would yell at everyone all the time. I lost interest in everything and have become a boring person. If i go back to the way i was i will lose everyone i love. I lost all my friends because i gave up too. My husband has been amazing over the years but my last episode has embarrassed him and now has caused him to be unsure of us. I went on my meds (depression )4 weeks ago however had to change them due to anxiety. I have been on my new meds a week but at the moment i am still having anxiety.  My husband told me today he was feeling smothered and because he said that i started having anxiety where i felt someone was choking me.  How can i stop feeling the way i do so i dont ruin my marriage 😞

[white knight]

Hi SMandW, welcome

I think you are on the right track but as JessF graciously mentioned, change wont happen overnight. Some change is required soon however and your approach to your illness is one thing, self help is another that's needed.

I think, if you can afford it, you both need a break, a few days touring around and just get yourselves back to a stable platform. You also need to talk to your husband about your fears and listen to his. both need to vent and while doing so you should keep quiet and really listen. Start your weekend off with a gift of appreciation. Tell yourselves there wont be any arguments, just talk. Expression.

Contacting a counsellor maybe Relationships Australia might be a good move to.

As for you being anxious and hurt that your husband is reconsidering his future with you....take the view that he has choices and you can only do your best. If your best isn't good enough then your relationship will take its course regardless of your efforts. You can guide your future with what you have control of and do your best but you cannot guide your future where you have no control.

Take care. We are hear for you.

Tony WK

[Narniakid]

Hi struggling,

I definately agree with the other comments - change takes patience, and unfortunately there are no guarantees in life, especially in relationships. 

Well done on booking an appointment to see a professional. Make sure you take into consideration everything they say, and be as honest and open as you can. It may help to write a few notes down as dot points if you are worried you might feel overwhelmed in the session and forget what you wanted to talk about.

The second thing I suggest you do is see a relationship councellor, and I also think you should show your husband the information about depression and anxiety, and caring for someone with it, that you can find here under Resources. There's a chance he's feeling upset and confused about it all because he doesn't understand it. 

In the end, put yourself first over your marriage - your mental health is so important, and if he's going to leave you because he can't "handle it", then so be it; you can only control your own actions. 

If you have any other concerns, call the hotline. And most importantly, keep positive! Negative thoughts are just reactions to fear, and anxiety thrives on avoidance.

Crystal 

[stuggelingmumandwife]

Thank you all so much for the comments. I know it's going to take time to fix but im worried i dont have time to change for my family. Over the years i have neglected my family and not been nice. Im worried its too late. In regards to my husband i know he  loves me but i think i have hurt him to many times for him to think i can change. He is struggling atm too but even when i offer my suport it doesnt feel like its enough. I send him messagesof love ans support and he sometimes wont even reply. Amd because of something so small my mind goes in to one thinking he is leaving and i panic. He is going away and i am panicing that he will decide he wants to be alone. He took the kids out last night while i was out and i panic thinking he would prefer to do it alone. I cant stop my mind racing with these thoughts ans yet if i don't i will work myself up so much i will loose control and loose him.  Im angry i allowed myselfto give in to depression. Im angry i let my ex control the rest of my life even though he isnt around.  I feel selfish that i put this on my family and have had thoughts that they would b better if i leave them.
 

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. 

 

[JessF]

I think the best you can do is to keep doing what you're doing.  The messages of love for example.  Your husband may not be in a place right now where he is able to accept that affection for what it is. He may very well think that you're over-compensating for past behaviour, and perhaps don't really mean it.  It will take time to rebuild the trust and for things to return to how they were before, but all you can do is move forward.

You mention leaving your family and how they might be better off, I am not sure whether you mean suicide, but if you do, I think you must know in the light of day that this would be devastating for them. Think of all the moments from your children's future you would miss out on as well.  These dark thoughts are a part of your depression, sadly, but they are not telling you the truth.  Much like your anxious feelings.  Depression and anxiety lie to us all the time.  We sometimes need to just find the strength minute by minute to hold on to what's real.

[Mangof]

Hi strugglingmumandwife,

your journey sounds similar to mine. I too was a single mum before marrying my husband 22 years ago it takes a special man to raise children that aren't biologically his. I never thought this would happen for me but thank goodness it did and I'm sure by the sounds of it your husband is one of these special kind of men. Living with the past is not easy to do but don't forget what bought you together I constantly remind myself and my husband of the moment we chose each other we have been through everything under the sun that a marriage could go through from losing a child, having children born with disabilities,wanting out, etc life gets complicated but we never stopped loving each other when I was diagnosed a wee while ago it was him and our teenagers that told me that I had become verbally vicious short tempered and scary...... It shocked the hell out of me quite a wake up call! So the kids decided we needed a password just for them and dad to use so I would snap out of it! And they came up with "mum would you like fries with that?" They now say it to me if they feel they need to and because it's so ridiculous I'm left questioning why they have said it and there is when I know to stop the verbal dialogue and breathe or exit or apologise,it has helped with the honesty of my loved ones hope it Helps or at least brings a smile to your day. 🙂 focus on the good things,what you have right in front of you it will take time but it's worth it