AIDS phobia

[rational_thinker]

Hi everyone, this is my first time on this great forum:

I have had anxiety and OCD for most of my life but could pretty much get it under control. Due to my social anxiety, instead of having a regular partner, I visited a few sex workers in the last three years. This eventually triggered off a wave of HIV paranoia more powerful than I have ever experienced. I lost track of my personal and professional goals. I compulsively Googled for information which basically made me feel so much worse. I thought my life was ruined- that I was faced with disability/death. Luckily I am sensible enough to understand that the rational and objective facts matter the most, and this has helped me struggle through a terrifying period.

(1) Irrational Fear: I have HIV

- Actually the Australian sex industry is well regulated with very low rates of STIs, furthermore heterosexual transmission of HIV is quite inefficient

- after getting tested at a sexual health clinic, the test result I received (with 99%+ accuracy) was negative: this means that realistically, the chance of being infected from the encounter and then testing negative would be something like one in a million.

(2) Irrational Fear: after getting HIV, I will die from AIDs

- Actually, these days, if you are diagnosed quite early and have access to great healthcare, the prognosis is pretty good: 90% of HIV patients on medication have undetectable viral loads, and the most of the remainder have failed to take their pills properly.

- My mind keeps zooming in on the terrifying phenomenom of transmission of multi-drug resistant HIV strains, but the literature shows that even these rare strains can be successfully treated- particularly in this day and age where there are many drugs.

Nevertheless despite these reasoned and evidence-based findings, my terror sometimes clouds my sense of reality. I dread finding out I’ve been infected with a highly drug resistant strain and then have to battle to live another decade, just like those poor guys in the 80s. It has been difficult to function and I am now seeing a psychologist.

Thank you for listening.

[SubduedBlues]

Hey there RT, welcome to BB

I recall, back in the mid to late 80's, when AIDS first came about, the rumors about the disease were spreading faster and ruining more lives than the disease itself.

The biggest impact AIDS had on our society back then, was all the open and free love we shared since the start of the Vietnam War was gone. We started to distrust everyone.

I don't think fear of contracting AIDS/HIV is irrational. As that fear helps keep us careful in our acts so as to lessen the probability of contraction. If there was no fear, we'd be back to the days of Love-in parties with no condoms. That said, however, I think it would be irrational to be afraid of being in the company of, or touching, someone that has AIDS/HIV.

And if you are out playing the field, you are probably much safer with the sex workers than with the whomever (that does whatever) that you picked up at the local bar.

That's my 2c
SB

[rational_thinker]

Hey SB,

I was born in 89 so I never was exposed to that period. I imagine the terror would have been unbelievable, there would have been heaps of people always petrified- like me.

I love what this country has done in terms of the response to HIV/AIDs. But the public awareness is really poor these days. I was barely conscious of the fact that there is a killer virus out there which you can catch from doing you know what. I'd never seen an AIDs patient in real life and hardly even on the news. The last public campaign I saw about STIs featured this healthy looking guy who looked really happy- what?!!?

If I had the awareness about this killer virus (the government has a duty to make sure everybody knows about this) I would have never behaved the way I did. Forget using protection, nothing would have happened at all. Fear before the risk is protective, but fear after it is debilitating.

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi rational_thinker, your post was very interesting to me as your self-awareness is very high. You are aware that there is a 99% chance that you do not have HIV and you are clearly very informed about it. Seeing a psychologist is probably a good idea to manage these thoughts, whenever I have an irrational thought I usually ask if I 100% know if it's true and if not what is a more plausible explanation, or is there another statement that I could put in place that made a little more sense/was more rational. I think the likelihood that you have a highly drug resistant strain of HIV is impossibly low. The stigma against STIs is extremely high in society these days, but it really needn't be when you can minimise transmission easily and there is medication available. Wishing you the best.

[rational_thinker]

Hey guys,

Thanks for the replies and I am reporting back after a long month. I recently had a 13 week HIV test that came back negative, and the official position in Australia and many other countries is that any negative result 3 months or later is definitive: you haven't got HIV.

This is no surprise as the facts were already saying that the chances I caught it were incredibly low in the first place. There is no recorded case of anyone catching the virus from a licensed Australian CSW, nor from the type of exposure that I had. And literally 6-7 experts told me beforehand that I was no/low risk and the tests would be negative. Most of you would think that I would be jumping for joy and putting it behind me but instead I am still a bit concerned but calmer than before.

It is a psychological issue like OCD, and some compulsive people simply cannot stop worrying about a tiny chance they have the disease and are not reassured by the evidence that they don't have it. Some have trouble accepting their test results- to them it is just a piece of paper.

I am in that kind of mode at the moment, sometimes thinking 'what if'? What if I have still have it? What are the symptoms? What if I am wrong and it disintegrates my immune system? It is an irrational cycle of worry and I try to stop it by looking at my test results, looking at a picture of a full house MCG (which would probably be an overestimate of the chances I caught the virus), and trying to stop compulsively searching about AIDs on the internet.

It is kind of pathetic to be so scared of a tiny chance that you might have a chronic (albeit stigmatised condition) when there are people facing much more difficult medical and other problems out there. Sometimes the second guessing is worse than the disease itself- maybe that is why a minority of people deliberately try to catch it.

Day by day I alternate between hope and hopelessness, between the medical issues versus the psychological issue. I am making a bit of progress in trying to live with positivity, rationality and hope. Trying to upgrade my mental health and getting a grip on reality. Instead of an irrational fixation on HIV, I am trying to focus on health in a comprehensive way with half-yearly blood tests on blood sugar, inflammation, immune function. That will cover the almost non-existent risk, based on the evidence, that I still have HIV.

One good thing that has come out of this has been connecting with you guys and others.

Thanks.

[BlackeD]

Hello, friend. I know what you are feeling, and I just want to tell you to be strong. The technologies are very developed now, and there is a good change to survive with HIV. This is why the early detection of hiv is so important. If you take the test at the correct time, everything will be fine, and so did I. It is very difficult to live with this disease, but it's not a death sentence. I believe that everything will be fine.