Addiction, Anxiety and Acceptance

[Athina]

Hello,

I am new to this forum and truly appreciate its existence and allowance for posts.

I once was, and still somewhere inside an optimistic - perhaps even too naively so - person. However, following a series of losses, failures and pains that I cannot manage, I have ruined my life and am barely existing.

The anxiety and depression this brings on is palpable, so I often self medicate by smoking, responding aggressively to protect myself or following through on daring activities.

In one way, these are all distractions to the anxiety and anticipated pain that will come from rejoining a purposeful life. But now I in a circulating existence that I never expected or believed to be in, so I am depressed about the anticipated disillusionment and anxious about the impending pain.

I have completely broken my spirit and exhausted both my physical and emotional energy and tolerance levels. I am facing imminent financial ruin and have created unforgettable harm to my family. That was never me and so I want to go back. Which I cannot do, so I want to move forward positively in a definitive and consistent way with less anxiety and more acceptance.

I have a strong faith in a higher power, help from a very good specialist and strong family support - however, the emotional toll I have taken on them, has forced both them and I to protect each other from my actions and inactions.

I am not sure if this post makes any sense. But I am writing here in hope that someone will hear me. I am in dire need of urgent advice on how to improve my situation outwardly and be better equipped to cope with my internal battles.

Thank you

[bluehorseshoes]

Hi Athina,

I am also new and hopefully you will soon see my first post as thinking of this anxiety as the handbrake on my life.

I am so glad to read that you have faith in a higher power as that is also what gives me comfort. Sometimes I am able to release my worries to my faith, and allow whatever will be will be, sometimes I can't seem to do that. But I try not feel guilty for having little faith and ask to be made strong.

I understand that difference you feel between the inside and outside at the moment. On the inside right now from my recent issues (job search anxiety) I feel like a wasteland. And on the outside sometimes I can barely hold it together to hide pain from the person in my life because I don't want to scare them. Please know you're not alone and that you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I feel more refreshed whenever I'm outside in the fresh air. At the moment I'm watching/listening to anything that will give me a laugh. And I've actually become one of those people who's trying to meditate - my way with a cuppa out the back with the morning breeze sitting quietly. Then I go inside and blast some Madonna/Alannis while making lunch - just as therapeutic for me.

You post does make sense and I hear you.