A Racing Mind and No Positivity

[Ingenuitee]

Hi everyone,

I'm not going to sugar coat anything, I feel pretty miserable.

Let me summarise for you:
- I rush ahead and predict the future, predict others thoughts and feelings, and try to control my own feelings.
- I neglect myself, don't seek help, don't speak up, or even think my positives are worth sharing out of fear of arrogance and that I don't deserve to have positives.
- Eventually I break down to folks, fear that I have hurt them, then continue to punish myself by restricting doing things I normally would enjoy.
- These thoughts also pile up, hello depression, yes I can see you alongside my constant anxiety.
- Things usually get so bad I think I can't even be slightly frustrated at minor things that help to relieve stress, like missing a train, I blame myself for the rest of the day.

However only recently have I begun to meditate and really reach out because I cannot live like this anymore. Every drug (SSRI and SNRI) I take makes me confused and out of control, but I have to try other methods or I fear I will let my family and friends down. I regularly refuse to take my medication because I fear the addiction and it's a cop out.

Everyone in my life is so nice to me, and all I give in return is anxiety, bottled up feelings, sadness and never ending worry. I am at the end of my rope, but I simply cannot let myself pass. It is too much to just let my family suffer for leaving, and I know I can do it if I try.

I want to have my self esteem back, I want to be able to celebrate the positives, but every day I mention my problems I feel like I am being rude and negative, but I just want to get better. I want to control the "monkey mind" but I need more help. I wanted to reach out and ask you guys if you had any more ideas.

Thank you.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Ingenuitee, 

Welcome to the Beyond Blue community. Thank you for sharing your story with us, we understand it can be difficult to open up for the first time on the forums.

We're so sorry to hear how low you're feeling in yourself. We can hear that it's becoming increasingly difficult to manage your anxiety and that you're feeling more depressed as a result. To us, it sounds as though you are working hard to support yourself and we have a feeling your family recognises this also. We acknowledge that at times it can seem like relying on medication is the easier option but it's more important to consider whether it helps to keep you safe and stable. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Have you been able to see your psychologist or psychiatrist recently? It sounds like it would be worth checking in with your prescribing doctor to let them know how you are feeling lately.

It sounds like you're in a really exhausting situation. If you don't have many friends where you are at the moment, we'd suggest joining some local support groups or parent groups. You can find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

Please remember to reach out when you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. You're never alone. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.