Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Narcissistic sister in law

replies: 1

So my brother has been married less for 2 mths and his wife has done a 180....she is your typical narcissist. I am aware of this mental condition very well as my mother has it. I want a relationship with my brother but not sure how to deal with her . She expects me to call her all the time. Does that like if I call my brother ...even though I rarely do! It's a one-sided relationship. And to add to it she's expecting. Any advice appreciated.

Supporting a Mum with Depression who’s birthday is 1st Jan

replies: 6

Mum who’s on quite high medication for depression that doesn’t seem to be working, she finds it too difficult to leave the house, even more difficult to celebrate Christmas, hasn’t smiled for a while, feels she can’t do anything on her own, and doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday on 1st Jan. what do I do? I’ve tried to encourage her that doing something small, going for lunch with immediate family would be good for her birthday, but she refuses. She says she doesn’t want to celebrate and doesn’t want to see anyone or go anywhere? I’m not sure what to do? I try to encourage her but she won’t listen. Do I just let her be?

how to help my brother

replies: 4

my Brother who is 50 is suffering from depression and has been for a while but will not take medication as he says he is on enough (tackling diabetes) I can tell it is severe and have been trying for a while to get him to go to the Dr. to talk about medication. (We are not very close anymore and I wonder if that is the depression) a few days ago my younger sister called him and he said he was always angry and wanted to hurt someone but said he never would. This is making me worry as I am sure if he is left untreated he is only going to get even worse. Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can convince him things can't progress anymore and to get the help he obviously needs. Both our Parents are deceased our father quite recently. and we are not close enough to our sister in-law to talk to her although I think I should make myself. Any help would be appreciated

Anxious Partner

replies: 2

My partner of 9 months had recently revealed his anxiety and unfortunately it appears to be triggered by me. He’s confirmed the reason was due to me telling him about my past relationships. I just wanted to be open and honest with him but he didn’t take it well. When he initially told me that he was feeling this way, he revealed the cause was because he was picturing me with other men from my past which had him unsettled. I had told him he has nothing to worry about and that those people from my past relationships had done nothing wrong to me and everything was consensual. I tell him that Although it may be an unsettling image to think about, that he should remember those people from my past made me who I am today. The person who loves him. I had said to him that I didn’t want to be the reason for his paranoia and that neither of us deserve to be in this position which upset him as he is worried about losing me. Although I’m not actively speaking to these people from my past, I may have tagged pictures or am still friends with them on social media. My partner doesn’t like that I still have these connections on social media. He keeps asking why I need to have them on there and had requested that it would help him if I deleted them/ removed the tagged photos. I was reluctant to do so because I didn’t like the thought that he was controlling me. I confronted him about this and told him that this behaviour made me feel uncomfortable and that I didn’t want to feel that I should be walking on eggshells around him. Another fear he has is that we will bump into these people from my past when we are out. If he thinks that this is likely, he will say that he doesn’t want to go and that I should go without him to avoid him having an anxiety attack. This upset me as I want him to be with me by my side. I asked him to challenge the confrontation by at least trying to come out to these places but the thought makes him sick. I’ve suggested going to see a counsellor together in person to try and gain an unbiased perspective of the situation but has anyone else here experienced anything similar or has any tips?

Where to turn to next.

replies: 5

Hello all , I have an adult son and recently he has a plan with the NDIS for carers every day. He has bipolar which health say is in remission. He takes medication morning and night . He also has MS and is legally blind , he hardly showers , doesn't eat proper meals , even though his carers are there every day, nothing is changing for him. He hasn't been hospitalized for some time and I believe the meds he is on are not helping him as he is paranoid and pushes everyone away. Tells his carers he has taken meds or had a shower or changed his clothes when clearly he hasnt. Who do I approach to have his health reviewed as he seems to be caught between mental health and his obvious physical and mental problems with his MS. There doesn't seem to be a combined approach and this has been going on for a long time and my son is 43 and his life seems to be just dripping away. Need some advice on where to turn next , should I take it higher ?

Husband has depression and I feel helpless and angry

replies: 3

I've been through these forums and seen a similar heading a million times. It seems to be quite common. I have a history of depression and mental illness so I get it. I completely understand the feelings of isolation, being lost and that there is no way out. I know what to do for myself when those times come back and I feel the dark wave. Fortunately the older I get the rarer it gets, and I know what to do and when to do it (GP, MHCP, counselling - talk through it and worst case medication). We have had a lot of pressure upon us. Going through immigration red tape, in financial stress as he doesn't work, and dealing with life's normal ups and downs. For the past few years, he has hung everything on getting work but has been caught in the cycle of depression so hasn't made the 'extra steps' needed beyond sending out multitudes of emails and online applications. Things have been getting worse and worse, and he feels completely unsupported by me. I understand that and feel terrible that he feels that way, but I can't seem to give any more tea and sympathy because I feel I am banging my head against a brick wall that if I keep doing it, will collapse down over me. If I do that, then the entire family will suffer when I lose our only source of income and the ability to care for myself, let alone the pets, the house, the bills and above all the kids (from a previous marriage). I get so angry because it's not fair. He won't take medication. He won't go to counselling. I have tried soft, tender love and support. I have tried a firm, tough love approach and now feel myself withdrawing for self-preservation. He has no social outlet, no friends, won't talk to family (in another country - doesn't want to worry them) and nowhere else to go. We make small steps forward, but this all falls apart again and returns to ground zero. It just takes a gentle breeze to knock his self-esteem back a million steps. There is no resilience. What can I do to bolster myself, and try to protect the kids from his anger, withdrawal and self-depreciation?

Trying to help a Mate

replies: 13

Hi All For about 2 months, I have been trying to help a mate (of 25yrs) through what I think is depression, He's just under 50 yrs old He tells me through boredom, he started with gambling, which resulted in losing all his savings, to my knowledge around 100k, He has a house, 1yr old Car, Motorbike, and a job normally, he is a strong willed person, intelligent, stable, and the rest I am speaking to him on the phone 1-2 times a day, just to see how he's going, he tells me his head feels like its going to explode, and he says he feels like he's losing his mind currently I am just listening and I talk to him about the positives he has, and that he will look back and reflect on this time of life i,m unsure if this is helping, but he says Sorry about all of this and thank you very much every call Just this morning I mentioned calling B/Blue, I sms'ed him the number while on the phone to him, I have discussed this with my wife, so she can tell me if i,m going of track I suppose, I would like to know what may arise, what may come up next, if any, and any other things to try ? Is 2 months at the start or in the middle?, and what stage is he at ? Cheers

Helping my teenage son with depression and anxiety

replies: 2

Hi. My teenage son is seeing a counsellor thankfully as he admitted to me about feeing depressed and anxious so I booked him into gp and counsellor straight away. as someone who also suffers from the above it pains me to see him when he is clearly low and no matter how I ask he won’t open up to me. As an example tonight over dinner all I did was try and get him to eat salad (his appetite is all over the place) later we had a chat outside and I said I know he can’t control his apparent but he can control what he eats. He has something like a nervous leg thing too and he jumps his leg up and down and says he can’t control it, though I think he could if he tried. i just don’t know what to do as I am worried about him but he won’t talk to be even about how he is feeling. He will talk to the counsellor which is great and she has encouraged him to try and be open with me. I don’t need to know deep details I just need to know what is going through his mind at some point so I can help him. Its killing me and I just don’t know here to turn (his father and step father would be no help.

Where to from here?

replies: 12

I’ll start with a confession. Yesterday I told my husband, who has depression, that I was done. No more. That’s it. Over. I told him he could go wallow in self pity without me. We live with the long grey shadow that follows him everywhere, trying to drag me into its darkness. He returned a week ago, from a trip to visit family. He went with our adult daughters to have some bonding time. I asked how the trip was, I got complete silence. Not much out of my daughters either, other than 'his mother, geeze!'. So obviously something went awry. He has had a fraught and complicated relationship with his mother and his siblings. There is abandonment, jail, suicides and death from cancer in the family history, all very painful. In the past few years, I have seen his desire to reconcile with them, so I gently encouraged it to help him on the road to heal the rift, before it is too late and there are regrets. Last night, I said that I knew something was up and I was there if he wanted to talk . Accusations flew out him that I called his family evil , that his problems were none of my business, they don’t affect me in any way, I was at fault for not going with him, I should butt out of his life I'd never asked him about his trip, he told me all he had to say in texts ( 2 texts in 2 weeks) and that he had nothing to tell me. To my detriment, I can’t hold my tongue. Seriously, is everyone who cares for a person with depression wonderful all the time? Far out, I’m a really bad person if so. I launched a tirade back, borne of deep hurt and years of living with this shadow in the room that I can’t see and can’t fight, but which wraps around him like an iron cape, stealing him away and leaving me far out in the cold. So I said my terrible finale. I'm really shouting at the shadow, but it is him that gets hit with the words. I meant it and not meant it at the same time. I am done with the shadow. Well and truly. I am not done with the person beneath it. The problem, apparently, is I have to accept both, or neither and I’m so pissed off about that. It is NOT fair. There are three people in the marriage.Me, him and the shadow. The shadow gets all the attention. Last year was hard for me. I lost my mother and a close work colleague/friend. I had a hard time at work with a nasty boss. I need support too. None comes for me. I'm lonely and angry and sad. But most of all I am tired of the shadow. What do I do now?

Husband with GAD

replies: 8

Where do I Start.... My husband suffers from GAD and Depression. He has been dealing with this for pretty much as long as we have been together, although in the past couple of years it has become much worse. We have been together for 18 Years, married for almost 14. He has been hospitilsed in the past for suicide thoughts, thankfully he overcame that period. He is really struggling at the moment with his anxiety levels, where we live it is almost impossible to get into see a specialist (over a 9 mth wait for one that was recommended !). The general practice Dr is good, but I think it is beyond his experience and it is not good at following up on the mental health of his patient. I guess we just have to be more assertive in asking for the help he needs. I am at loss as to how to help him, apart from just being there to listen to how is he feeling. I see the worry in his face, the kids see it also ( we have 2 boys). Our sex life does not exist, I can't recall the last time we made love. Our relationship has certainly changed. We don't argue, never really have. He does everything he can to try and help himself, he exercises regularly, he is back doing the mindfulness meditation, he is on a SSIR, the GP even put him on a mood stabilizer also, but nothing seems to be helping to ease the GAD. As a partner of someone suffering from this, it is HARD, I feel guilty to even right that because it no doubt does not even come close to how bad and hard it is for him to deal with GAD/Depression every day. I don't really talk to anyone about it, I feel like it isn't my place to let others know of his/our struggles, it is his private health information. I just do not know what to do, I can see him getting to the point where he will want to give up, can't see the light so to speak. He is off to the DR again today to try and get him to arrange an appointment with a specialist. I told him not to leave his office until he had an appointment. Fingers Crossed. I am at a loss.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Narcissistic sister in law replies: 1

Supporting a Mum with Depression who’s birthday is 1st Jan replies: 6

how to help my brother replies: 4

Anxious Partner replies: 2

Where to turn to next. replies: 5

Husband has depression and I feel helpless and angry replies: 3

Trying to help a Mate replies: 13

Helping my teenage son with depression and anxiety replies: 2

Where to from here? replies: 12

Husband with GAD replies: 8