Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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I'm scared that I don't know what I'm doing to help my partner

replies: 1

Hi. My partner suffers from depression and anxiety, I knew he had this since we met as at the time he was going through an episode and he told me about it so that I could walk away if I wanted to. I didn't as I could see he was worth it. He has had many ups and downs over the past 12 months but at the moment is probably one of the worst times. He has a condition called Benign Fasciculation Syndrome, where his calves twitch constantly. It is a condition that is brought on by Anxiety and it doesn't cause any pain, it is not life threatening or anything like that - it is just purely annoying. Most of the time he doesn't even think about it but when he is in a dark place it is all he thinks about... "I have a rare Neurological Dissorder", "Its incurable" "Why me?". But it is not even his legs that spark this, it is alcohol and his head. His brain is very powerful. He has a tendency to use alcohol as a coping mechanism - He does not drink to enjoy it, he drinks to get drunk which in turn his mood changes. For the past week he has been drinking heavily, saying he wants to kill himself and that is is selfish that we want to keep him here for our own benefit. He is downright nasty to me when he is like that, which is so hard because he is so beautiful of a person when he is not going through this. It never gets easier to hear nasty comments and that he wants to take his own life. I try to remind him that there is so much to look forward to in our future - we are going overseas in 4 months, we are getting married next year and starting a family - which he wants so badly! but at the moment nothing excites him. He has not gone to work all week - he stays up until the early hours of the morning drinking then sleeps all day. The other night I was so close to calling an ambulance as he was so adamant he was going to end his life. I have booked an appointment for him to see his psychologist next week and I took him to the doctors yesterday who upped hismedication and was quite helpful, but he is still feeling horrible and I honestly do not know what to do. He also has next to no sex drive because of the medication so that in itself is hard. I am so scared that I am going to stuff everything up and he may end his life. Any advice on what I can do to help would be amazing. I am stressed constantly and overwhelmed! I have never had to do this before. Thank you x

My dad suffers from terrible aggression, depression and anxiety- how can I help?

replies: 4

My dad is in his early 50's, and as long as I can remember has been miserable. My mother says it hasn't always been like this, it has become worse over time. I think he's always stressed about money and has a weird amount of pride so never wants to seem like he's not coping with something. He's very superficially happy when he's around family, but then he goes home and retreats to his anger and misery. I've brought him books on getting help for depression and anxiety- but he's not interested and won't even admit there a possibility he has these issues. He is Greek, and so is his doctor. I think the cultural aspect plays a big part in this and doesn't want to appear weak. He also has diabetes and high cholesterol, which makes it worse. My mother and he had never really seen eye to eye on how to raise my siblings and I, which causes so many issues as well. We're all grown up now (16-25), but he still insists on controlling and babying us, whereas she is more relaxed and lets us live our lives. My biggest concern is that my mother will leave him. He's very aggressive and difficult to talk to and get along with. He is under the impression that everyone hates him and he's a bother, and that we love our mother more. While this is not true, but it is not hard to see where he gets the impression, as its very hard to have a conversation with him, and easy to talk to her. My mother and he are always fighting and can never seem to see eye to eye. She is very patient with him even though he's very difficult, but I see one day her giving up and leaving. Any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation would be great. Thank you

Worried for Ex with OCD/AVPD

replies: 1

My boyfriend of 7 years split up with me exactly 1 month ago, but over the last 2 years he had fallen into a bad mental health space with his OCD/AVPD, I'd been trying my best to support him but he has slowly disappeared from me and at the same time I've had to deal with his abusive toxic parents trying to split us up. Over the last 3 months he finally decided to go back to his psychologist which I was initially really happy about, because I felt like finally he had another person to support him and it wasn't just me propping him up anymore. I caught an awful virus and had to go into hospital for a week and I think it finally set him off, we had an awful argument about his abusive parents, which made him angry enough to start smashing things, since then he's not been the person I used to know. I think he's seriously unwell and has completely shut me out because I'm the only one who can see how unstable he is. His behavior of recent times has reminded me of my younger sister who has schizophrenia, she's been through a few episodes of psychosis before, it feels eerily similar. He's had face to face contact with me twice, both times we talked until the morning and it was really difficult because one minute he sounded like he wanted to be well and get better, get help, come back to the relationship. Next minute he wanted nothing to do with me. The next day he collected his stuff which I very carefully packed up for him, because I've realized there's nothing I can do and I just want to support him because I still very much love him, I decided to write a letter to his psychologist to explain what had happened from my position and how worrying it is to know that he's running around with people that have no idea he could be in a mania. He never replied or confirmed that he'd got my email, and I figured well that's okay I guess? I have no part in his life anymore. This week I got a letter in mail box from my ex saying why he's breaking up with me, what shocked me though was in this letter he said his psychologist had received my email about him, and had actually let my ex read it. I'd I'd sent this letter to his psych in confidence, I wanted him to know that my ex is very unwell, might need medication to help come back down, and that he might be totally telling you "everything" when you meet. My ex said his psych had explained that he was "Ethically Obliged" to show him the email. Would it be professional of a psychologist to actually do something like that?

Partner admitted

replies: 1

My partner has just been admitted to hospital for a mental health assessment as he's been having suicidal thoughts. He's asked me to call his work for him in the morning to let them know he won't be in, I've just got no idea what to say to them or who to talk to. I know it's really none of their business but obviously I have to say something. Hes only just started working there and he's worried they're going to fire him (he's still on probation). I just can't think straight, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I just want him to be ok. But I need to do this for him and be strong. Also is there anyway we can get some kind of financial support, I'm currently on maternity leave so I don't get enough money to support the both of us. Please help I don't know what to do. He's a New Zealand citizen that's been living and working here for more than 10 years. I know centerlink don't have many options for nz citizens, so I don't know where else we can get financial support from.

Please help me help my son...

replies: 6

My son is 22 and has been struggling with anxiety and depression since high school. It has been a painful journey for my husband and I to watch him self sabotage himself through the years, we have been supportive in getting him help through psychologists etc. and trying to set boundaries to keep him safe but he ended up moving out at 19 not wanting to accept our help. Sadly he has taken the path of self numbing with weed and alcohol mixed with no sleep he often goes to work very tired and that makes him a danger to himself and others around him. He has been prescribed different types of anti depressants which he is not consistent in taking at the initial stage. I have explained that it will not work if he doesn't stop the other staff, in fact will make his condition worst, but he won't listen. He has been reaching out to close friends the past few days as he has been feeling suicidal, we are very worried as part of us feel it could be for a little attention but we are scared of the potential that in a drunken/high state he will go through with it... When we ask if he is ok he says "I'm fine" ... I don't want to tell him his friend told me about it as he might feel betrayed and not feel like he can reach out to him. We always touch base and I tell him all the time that I love him no matter what, but I am so scared and don't know what I can do to help him if he won't help himself.

Unsure how to feel

replies: 5

Hi all, I have inadvertently discovered that my wife of 6 years has been seeing a psychologist and is on medication for depression. While she has periods of low mood, I would never have thought that she was clinically depressed. She did suffer from depression as a teenager as a result of family issues but as long as I have known her, she had appeared to have moved on from that and was in a good place. She has had previous issues with credit card debt, where I have discovered on a number of occasions that she has secretly run up thousands of dollars on cards. It was as a result of discovering another instance of this, and in the ensuing argument, that she revealed that she was seeing a psychologist and that the spending was the result of an addiction fuelled by depression. Hence why I am really unsure how to feel. On the one hand, I am angry and upset that once again, she has betrayed my trust and lied to me, but on the on the other hand, I am concerned for her well being. She is wonderful, loving mother to our 2 little girls, and while she does have difficulty in showing affection as a result of her upbringing, we do have a good relationship (although it does have it's issues) So, effectively, I'm torn between the love and loyalty i feel towards my wife, and the anger i feel at being misled and deceived. I am also concerned about what this will mean for our relationship, both the depression and my loss of trust. I also wonder at what point do I say that depression, or no depression, enough is enough and I need to walk away (both for my own mental well-being and financial security for myself and our children). Thanks in advance for any thoughts or comments

New here - need advice to support mum

replies: 4

My mum has anxiety and depression after an illness. She is on medication and sees a Psychologist once a week (medication for 5 weeks now). There is very little improvement and she phones me for support. I don’t know what to say when she calls. She says she is scared (doesn’t know of what) she’s been crying for hours and none of the suggestions by the Psych are working. This happens regularly. She has told her GP and has been told not to change/increase meds for at least another 2 weeks. I don’t know how to safely get her through the days. She phoned a well known help line and the suggestion was to smell the flowers outside - they were not helpful at all. Any suggestions are very welcome. Thansk

Looking after partner as breadwinner

replies: 3

Hi there, I’m looking for some support and advice on how to help my partner with depression. Ive been supporting him financially for a couple of years now, and I’m beginning to get concerned that if nothing changes now it will be very difficult for him to find work. A few years ago we moved to a remote area for my work, with the agreement that I would be the major bread winner and give him time to finish his studies while working part time - something I was very happy for given what he was sacrificing in the move for my job. He never ended up applying for any work though despite me sending him job ads and the study never seemed to end. I know that not working put pressure on him but he would never want to do anything during our free time that would take him away from his study. I suffer from anxiety myself and the financial stress combined with never going out to do anything together really did a number on me. We lived month to month and I ended up burning through a great deal of savings I had from before we lived together. We are back in the city now, and the increased living costs are putting even more strain on our finances. I have been trying to help him look for work but he has been having panic attacks or getting angry anytime I try and broach the subject or suggest jobs for him. He has also refused any professional help for both his depression/anxiety or even from a career advisor. He has lost confidence in his abilities from being out of the workforce and being bullied in a previous job. He’s in a very vulnerable spot at the moment and misses our old life, and I’m concerned he is suicidal. I don’t know how I can help him to regain his confidence and find work he finds fulfilling without stressing him out. I feel that continuing to support him staying at home won’t help him return to work or deal with his anxieties in the long run, and I’m worried about burning through the remainder of our nest egg. I also don’t like the weird power dynamic it has created. I don’t think I can support him alone. If you have any advice please let me know.

I'm really scared to say the wrong thing...

replies: 2

I'm struggling with words. I need him, I need his strength, I'm not adept at being the sensitive one... I actually don't know what to say to him. I'm scared. I've asked him to get help. (He said he will...) the signs have been there for such a long time, we have tip toed around the D word for a few years. All I can do is listen, I have no words of wisdom for him , no magic wand, no solution. Is there a reference publication for communicating correctly? Something I can read that will help avoid making it worse? Positive affirmations seem weak and not at all helpful. The old "hang in there kitty" sign keeps popping up in my head.. So inappropriate.

How can I support my husband when we separate?

replies: 5

Hello. I have been married to my husband for nearly 12 years. He has been mentally ill for much of that time and I have supported him through a number of breakdowns, depression, anxiety and PTSD. He is also co-dependent. He is treated with medication and attends sporadic counselling. He is a very good man who I love very much. However I do feel that our marriage has become one where he needs me, rather than wants me. I feel more like his mother than his wife. There is little to no intimacy in our relationship. Last year I discovered he had been spending huge sums of money from our business and has financially decimated us. This is not the first time he has used money to self-sabotage. Additionally he had spent thousands on my personal credit card which I am now paying off. The scale of the deception has led me to a very dark place. I now monitor all our money closely. He has asked that I keep our money in a separate account that he cannot access, and give him what he needs when he needs it. I am deeply unhappy about this as it feels abusive. I do not want to have control over him in any way. We have discussed this in marriage counselling and for now agreed this is the only way to ensure we have money to pay the bills. If there is money available he will spend it. Until this week I was committed to working on our marriage. Then two final demand letters arrived. He had taken out a zipmoney loan last year and had not been paying for it. Also, another business related loan he took out had not been paid and he owes $9k. He is stopped seeing his counsellor and I have to push him every time to make appointments and attend. I know his illness makes ‘simple’ acts like booking appointments seem like the impossible task. I feel that at this point I have to protect myself . I am so exhausted mentally and physically. I cannot see that his behaviour will ever change. I am nearly 40 and I’m terrified of being in this same situation in 10 years time. I am going to ask him for a separation in a few weeks. I first want to ensure he has support around him. Due to his mental health issues I am very worried about his reaction. I would so appreciate any helpful suggestions about how I can provide good support. Thank you in advance.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

I'm scared that I don't know what I'm doing to help my partner replies: 1

My dad suffers from terrible aggression, depression and anxiety- how can I help? replies: 4

Worried for Ex with OCD/AVPD replies: 1

Partner admitted replies: 1

Please help me help my son... replies: 6

Unsure how to feel replies: 5

New here - need advice to support mum replies: 4

Looking after partner as breadwinner replies: 3

I'm really scared to say the wrong thing... replies: 2

How can I support my husband when we separate? replies: 5