Where did my husband go?

[AnnaGrace]

Hi everyone,

My husband has been suffering from depression, which has escalated over the past year. Part of me feels like I shouldn't be posting here, after reading the posts of the terrible situations some of you are in, as my own experience is somewhat better, but I still feel so frustrated and helpless.

He is aware of his condition, and has been seeing a psychologist for 6 months, but has last week stopped seeing her as he feels like he doesn't get anything out of it. I did feel like she was making a difference to him after the sessions, but overall I agree I didn't see a huge change. He's a very intelligent, ethical, intense person, who feels like he hasn't achieved anything in life (despite having a well-paying job) and now can't find any joy whatsoever. He can't see anything to live for (but hasn't attempted suicide or disappeared or anything) and feels like having children is one of his biggest regrets (we have a 2 year old and 3 month old who has been very ill).

He has said to me that I would be better off without him and he's truly sorry I got him as a husband. He is trapped in this cycle of self-hatred and guilt and stresses he doesn't want to be here anymore, and wishes he didn't have people to depend on him so he could do what he wanted. I've tried so many times to assuage the guilt and tell him how valuable he is to me and those around him but it makes no difference. He has a very stressful job which he is not excelling at, has injuries, no motivation to exercise and therefore hates how he looks (he used to be extremely fit), and has tried to stop drinking alcohol but now drinks every night. He has never been physically abusive but has a lot of problems with anger.

He hasn't been on medication before but I asked if it's something he could consider. Should I try and get him to go to a psychiatrist? I just don't know what to do next. I feel like my own happiness is being compromised as I'm constantly surrounded by negativity, which sounds selfish I know, but it just takes its toll after a while. My mother has had clinical depression and I feel like I can't escape it. I don't want it to cause me to stop loving him but I'm afraid it will.

Thanks

[smallwolf]

Hi Anna,

Welcome to beyond blue.

You asked at the end of your post about whether your partner goes to a psychiatrist. I will give you the answer my psychiatrist gave me.... medication can help, but also do talk therapy is better, and leave the head stuff to the psychologist . ie to do both. I do find ADs helpful for myself.

Of course some psychiatrists may also do work similar to a psychologist but the sessions with my psychiatrist are only 30min vs 60min with my psychologist.

My father has been taking ADs since early 90s, and never spoke to anyone about his feelings. Only how is he seriously thinking about going to a psychologist.

I have been seeing a psychologist for > 1 year, but keep in mind that my situation is something I have lived with for about 30+ years, only now am I starting to make in roads. Some people might do it more quickly. Some more slowly. It takes time and patience. But with all of this, your partner has to want to do it.

It is also possible there was a mismatch between your partner and psychologist? And maybe a different psychologist would be better?

You are the definitely a very caring person and your partner is lucky to have you. There is always a danger it can affect you as well. There are also resources on the beyond blue web site for partners here...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

https://das.bluestaronline.com.au/api/prism/document?token=BL/0124

which includes information on the last pages about looking after yourself.. There is a lot in your post that I have not responded to, but I hope that you will come back to tell more of your story.

Is your partner able to talk to you about how he feels?

Peace,

Tim

[Marie_789]

Hi AnnaGrace,

I was struck by the parallels between your situation and mine. My husband has also been depressed for some time - in hindsight, probably for 4-5 years. It came to a head around 3 years ago, when he finally told me he was unhappy and (long story made short) didn’t want to be part of our marriage or family anymore.

My instincts told me he was depressed and that this wasn’t really about us. He wouldn’t get help, and we sort of persisted in our relationship for a while. Then we became unexpectedly pregnant with our third baby. He did not cope with this news well at all. Like your husband, he does not like the idea of people depending on him and sort of longs to be on his own.

In short, he hasn’t been living at home since the baby was 4 weeks old — and baby is now 9 months. In recent times he has finally come to the understanding that his problems don’t stem from our relationship and that he does want to be part of our family, but he cannot seem to bring himself to move back in. He finds the prospect very anxiety provoking and we are stuck there.

I am at a loss as to how to proceed. I very much want to remain married and for him to be well and an involved member of our family, but it’s also important that he returns home as soon as possible if this is to work — as I am growing increasingly angry and resentful — and it’s important that he can cope at home. He has been seeing a Dr but not consistently taking meds or following advice. Most people think I’m crazy for hanging in there...

I suppose I’m posting this to offer you some support and to say that you’re not alone. You must have your hands full with a new baby and another child. I hope you have supports around you and that you focus on looking after yourself as well as your husband and kids. The demands of motherhood can take a toll, let alone dealing with a depressed partner. I find that making a conscious effort to be less affected by my husband’s moods and antics really helps me... and the routines of looking after the kids and enjoying them seems to help... although it’s hard not to get sucked into the vortex.

Stay strong.