I am my wife’s trigger

[Mirtle]

My wife suffers depression and anxiety and insomnia. She has been in a very poor state for 6+months. She refuses to seek help, so I am the only one she tells everything to. She’s recently been thru phases of: depression, almost psychotic delusions, paranoia, anger at her family, then anger at me, currently she is recovering but she locks her self in her room and avoids seeing me if possible at times or drives away to a nearby town and spends whole days there often contacting me to pick her up because she’s drank too much. Almost every time we are together she complains about stomach/chest pain and doesn’t want to talk after that. Just when I think things are getting back to normal she will have a bad day and avoid me again. Throughout this whole time she has hardly ever had any good sleep.

can anyone suggest how I may be able to support her thru this without bringing on the chest pain every time we are together. Or how she can get some sleep.

tia

mitch

[therising]

Hi Mirtle and welcome!

It's definitely hard for a partner to be handling their spouse's mental health issues alone. I feel for you so much. Wondering if you have a really reliable and trusted GP who you can talk to about this; someone who can help point you in the best possible direction in regard to some positive and productive course of action. Personally, I've done this myself before, in relation to a friend's issues, and it was such a relief to have someone professional guiding me in the right direction. Felt a little strange, going to see a doctor about someone else, but they made plenty of helpful suggestions. I think it's important for you to feel empowered through guidance as opposed to helpless and frustrated. Your health is just as important as your partner's health.

With mental health issues, sometimes people aren't in the best frame of mind when it comes to working toward what is best for them. This is where 'a surrogate mind' (belonging to another) can help, in making the best decisions on their behalf. Appointing someone to be our 'surrogate mind' requires a lot of trust. Wondering if you can talk to your wife about her trusting you to guide her and your relationship toward greater health.

Take care of yourself

[Purple_People_Eater]

I have been in a very similar situation with my hubby, except we have kids too. Instead of hiding, he just was extremely depressed and withdrawing from everything. When I tried to talk about it with him, things just seemed to get worse.

The suggestion from "therising" above is very good. The other things that helped (and yes, hubby's mental health has improved over time and I feel awesome most of the time these days, even when he doesn't)

* Carer education workshops which include communication upskilling so you can learn how to avoid triggering your wife. I had no idea that so many little things could upset my hubby - he now feels safe most of the time to talk to me.

* Joining a peer support group specifically for mental health carers.

* Taking a day off from work and going on an outing with other mental health carers. This is called respite and is still offered by a number of organisations.

* Calling a mental health carer helpline. https://www.mindaustralia.org.au/resources/carers

* Speaking to a counsellor at Carers XXXX where XXXX is your state or territory.

I hope this helps!

PPE