How do you deal with a lack of intimacy?

[Oliphant]

My wife has severe depression & anxiety. She’s receiving medical help for that.

Since the birth of our child, several years ago, she’s been anti any sort of intimacy. I’m actually very surprised these days to get anything other than a negative response if I so much as try to hold hands.

So, what do I do? Obviously I really don’t want to carry on like this. But I don’t want to turn my back on my family, either.

Ideas?

Experiences?

[geoff]

Hello Oliphant, it appears as though your wife is suffering from PND, I don't have the qualifications to diagnose her, but she is very much like how my ex wife used to feel, not being intimate, not wanting to go out shopping or even seeing friends and like you not wanting to hold hands.

Once a baby arrives it changes the scenery because it gives the 2 of you less time to communicate, your income could be reduced, and she could be scared to tell you that it's not easy and please look after the child for a few hours while I get some sleep.

This can happen after the birth of your child and can continue on for a number of years.

You can never get enough sleep if you're depressed, it's solitude, it's peace and quite, so there are so many unknown reasons why it happens.

Can I suggest that you go and see your doctor, from what you have told us it's affecting you, just like it did for me, I also had PND and at that time my ex wife didn't want any treatment, no medication nor any help and I was no different, it was 36 years ago, it was suggested for her to see a psychiatrist and she had one visit then stopped.

I know that your wife is having medical treatment but not sure if that's only talking to her doctor, perhaps you can let us know.

PND is an illness that you both need to address, visit your doctor together, let them explain to both of you the changes that do happen, you can't let it fester, help won't necessarily come to you, you have to go and ask for it starting with your doctor.

Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Oliphant~

Welcome to the Forum. I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties, it is a very big thing in a relationship.

I guess it is worth saying at the outset this really is a two-person problem and I doubt you are going to be able to fix things by yourself. I'm sure you already know there are umpteen reasons why intimacy does not take place.

Some of course are physical causes, and need an examination by a medical professional - preferably one with experience in that area - to diagnose and hopefully remedy.

Again you would realize everyday emotion plays a huge part, everything from anger with one's partner or not feeling secure through to embarrassment, body image and lack of confidence. Also fatigue and the demands of dealing with a young family.

The third is the effects of depression and anxiety. As someone who has had to live with these plus the after-effects of PTSD for a very long time I can say that for me theses illnesses have at times reduced the desire for intimacy, even hand-holding - to zero and even engendered feelings of resentment and anger -plus feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

All of these factors are things you really need to discuss with your partner, hopefully in a supportive non-threatening and loving manner. I would imagine it is something that will take a fair amount of time.

OK these are just my thoughts, what do you think?

Croix

[Oliphant]

Ok.

This has been going on for years.

When I say she's getting help, I don't mean talking to a GP. I mean full blown, in and out of hospital, ECT and you-bloody-name-it help.

Me, I'm just hanging in there.

Talk to her? I'd get more response from a brick wall most of the time. Otherwise, there's no way of being certain she means what she says.

I appreciate the response, but believe me this forum is pretty much my last resort before I go Postal in some way or end up in the damned MHU myself.

Yes, I've been seeing a phychologist as needed, until recently. I'm looking for another, before someone suggests I go back. Unfortunately that's not an option at this time.

So, let's assume that unless she can get well - and I mean actually, properly well - I am looking for ways to manage my need for affection. I do not necessarily mean sex. I do not necessarily mean I want an affair.

I do not want to walk out in my family. And I do not want to make my wife's situation worse.

Equally, I do not want to live without so much as a hug.

So, any ideas, people? I can't be the first person to deal with this.

[Croix]

Dear Oliphant~

Thanks for coming back and explaining more, it is a very hard situation to live with and your concern and unhappiness shows though very clearly. Nobody can exist without some sort of affection in those circumstances.

I'm also sorry for your wife, if her experiences are like mine have been she is in a truly horrible place.

I can only look to myself to see what has worked and I guess a combination of things. I improved. I saw my partner more as a refuge and source of calm and strength. I wanted her happy. I was not pressured and I made first moves.

I don't know if my experiences help at all. I guess I'm saying if things are similar to my life feelings of security and affection have to be present in your wife, I do know at the time I had massive guilt as well as everything else. Also perhaps feelings of calm and support from yourself.

I'm not criticizing you, you obviously care for your wife. I would not be surprised however if your unhappiness does show though.

I also think you are wise to realize an affair or just sex is not going to satisfy you long term, I'd feel the same.

I know you have come here asking for ideas, do you have any thoughts or ideas?

Croix

[Daffodil]

Hi Oliphant,

I can relate to how you are feeling totally ! Although with me it’s role reversal as I am the woman lacking intimacy with my husband & im the one with depression 😒 He hasn’t had a high sex drive throughout our marriage & ive been the instigator in our sex life. I feel I need more hugs, kisses & a better sex life as I’ve gotten older. It’s a sensitive issue between us as he struggles to communicate his feelings. We have tried marriage counselling which did help a bit. He has been supportive during my depression & I know he loves me but I don’t want to walk away from my family either. I feel trapped. It’s probably not much help to you Oliphant hearing my story sorry! Just wanted you to know you are not alone, I don’t have the answers for you but I sympathise with you.

[Oliphant]

Not much has changed.

My wife has ups & downs & so do I. At least her overall trend is upwards, but she still doesn't want any contact. Just not sure how long I can keep going like this.

I'm curious to hear from anyone who has tried to find affection outside of their marriage. How's it worked for you?

Seems there's lots of dating sites / apps these days. Anyone used them?

Still don't really think I want to go down that route. But at the same time if a nice lady tipped me the wink...

[DesperatelyLonely]

I feel desperately sorry for you because I can relate 100%. I am now so lonely and so desperate for attention that I have scanned Tinder. It made me more depressed realising no one would want me at this age, with baggage (kids).

I resort to self pleasuring and just imagine myself being with other people.

i know it isn’t ideal. I know it’s not the solution. But leaving isn’t an option right now, I don’t want to cheat. So this will simply have to do for now. How awfully depressing!!

my husband has been depressed most of our marriage and intimacy has been an issue for at least 6 years now. I often wish he would just give me the green light to get something elsewhere.

[Oliphant]

Ladies, I feel for you too. Everyone needs to feel loved, even if it's just a kiss, a hug, holding hands.

DesperatelyLonely, that's exactly spot on my situation.

However, don't think because of what you found on Tinder, no-one would want you. There's plenty of us who appreciate a more mature relationship. And frankly by the end of your twenties, most of us have some sort of baggage. Any 30-something that thinks they can find someone without any baggage is probably too naive (or stupid?) to bother with. 😉

Before I met my wife I dated a few single mums. It's no good if her kids are anti you, but otherwise it can work just fine.

[Purple_People_Eater]

Hi Oliphant

I am so sorry to hear that you have no affection from your wife. Do you have physical intimacy of any kind with anyone? Here I mean, hugs, etc.

There are support groups where people become friends (only) but can give each other hugs. Hugs are healing!

BTW, We haven't had sex in well over a year due to hubby's chronic pain and lack of energy affecting his libido. But, we are affectionate which is the main thing.