Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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New to forum: desperate to help my husband

replies: 10

Hi everyone, As the title suggest, this is my first time posting and I am desperate to help my husband of almost 2 years. My hubby has had 4 TIA's (mini-strokes) and suffers short term memory loss. He is unable to find a job at aged 50, has tried starting 2 businesses that he is very qualified in, one has folded and the latest is about to as it is costing us and as I only work school terms, the pressure financially is great. My husband, who was a single dad with sole custody when we met, has been abandoned in the most awful of ways by his daughter, and she has proceeded to bad-mouth him to anyone who will listen, destroying any relationship he has had with family and friends. His daughter was his life, he gave everything in the divorce to his ex to keep his daughter and now she is doing her best to destroy him emotionally. His blood pressure is on the rise again, he is sleeping really long hours and his anxiety levels are at an all time high. His memory is getting worse, and today I received a text when his only stable students cancelled this weeks classes, that he felt like a failure I am studying full-time and working as many hours as I can to support us, but I am tired...I get in trouble when I remind him of conversations (and I know he doesn't mean it) but it's so hard...all the time...and getting worse. What do I do? I love him so much, and want him to find peace in himself, but he is so angry, depressed, anxious, physically breaking things in anger...suggestions and advice please...I don't know how to help and I want to so much...thanks for reading...

is there nothing more I can do, I don't want to sit back and watch him fade away and die

replies: 2

My son is 17, as a child he was always a little bit challenging and 2 appointments with paediatricians at 5yo showed nothing out of the ordinary. Mental health issues run throughout both sides of mine and hubbys families. My mum and youngest brother committed suicide at 39 and 23. My sister suffers serious anxiety and depression and substance abuse, My husbands mother is bi polar and a manic depressed lady, she has had many stints in hospital to help stabilise her.we have a very happy, busy and beautiful family that includes 4 children. My husband ( there dad) and I have always provided well for our children, they are very fortunate and have very dedicated and doting parents, all 4 of them are attractive, popular and athletic.2 years ago Corey started smoking marijuana, we tried not to over react and remembered that back in our youth we too also dabbled with it. However Corey's personality has changed, he has dropped out of school, can not hold down a job, of which he has had 3, and has given up on football, he was well known throughout the club for being one of the best. He spends most days in his room and has terrible outburst regularly. His younger brother and sister are terrified of him and we all feel like we are treading on egg shells around him. If he doesn't get what he wants all hell breaks loose. He did initially see a dr ( at my work, I am a nurse) and he was very happy to give medication a try, it made him feel sick and then he refused to take it, he refuses to return for another consultation to try something gentler and absolutely refuses to see any one else for support, he cries a lot and has expressed the idea of suicide on many occasions, of course this frightens me because I know from personal experience that this is a very real probability. He is such a lovely boy, and is incredibly thoughtful, I am at a stand still, where do I go from here, we have had many conversations and he shuts any thought of help out immediately. He will not give up marijuana as he believes this is the only happy place he can go to and helps him to remain calm. Am I doing enough, I feel like I am failing him, where did I go wrong and what on earth can I do to fix this. His dad has got little patience left and has grown very angry about the whole situation, it is beginning to put a lot of strain on our 20 year marriage, which up until now has always been very happy. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Supporting, which has led to depression

replies: 5

Hey Guys, New to BeyondBlue and the forum. Just wanted to quickly start with how much of a fantastic place this is. Alright so straight into it. I have recently moved in with my partner. We have been dating for about a year now and she does suffer from depression. I knew this from the beginning of relationship but I believe I could help. I have come to a point though where I am also suffering from depression and as much as I try and support her, I am starting to self destruct. We do fight alot. She says I don't understand, and that I'm not sympathetic and I don't know how she feels. And yes I will admit that I have a short fuse and will get frustrated. But I get frustrated because she will not open up to me and she constantly lies to me. Sometimes its little things that really there is no reason to lie about, but sometimes they are reason that many people would have walked away by now. I love her with my whole heart, and I am trying my hardest to be supportive and caring but I know within myself I am starting to get severly depressed. I looked forward to going to work because it is the one time she won't make me feel guilty for leaving her. And i feel horrible saying that but it has literally come to the point where i can't even hang out with my friends anymore because she will get so upset if I do. So it has come to the point where I don't see my friends anymore because the fight with her over it is not worth it. I'm not really if anyone can lead any advice here, but it does make me feel a bit better just to type it out.

How to detach when mental illness is suspected

replies: 3

My 20 year old son has just returned from him running away for 3 weeks. He is depressed, trying to recover from alcohol and marijuana abuse as well as I suspect undiagnosed anxiety. He has a history of mental break downs and self harm so I am loath to refuse him entry if he appears clean or really low. How do I draw the line between natural consequences of his immature choices and those directly related to his depression or emotional frailty. He demanded access to the family PS4 as he was sick and felt it was cruel for me to deny this distraction when he was feeling so low. That privilege was denied him as he had broken into my house through the roof twice while he chose to live elsewhere plus he has a gaming addiction of 10 hours a day for months now unless I treat him like a child and lock equipment up. His reaction is to threaten to smash my stuff up, get up in my face yelling and hurling blame at me while I am trying to escape to work. He has delayed making a GP appointment until tomorrow but only after melting down and verbally abusing me over how badly he has been treated by me.How do you draw the line? Withdraw access to my belongings, restrict financial support, withdraw from his verbal outbursts to my bedroom means I am depressed and scared in my own home. Asking him to leave when he has no ability to support himself if he is mentally unwell is the dilemma but his behaviours are so damaging and unsustainable. I do him no favours to enable them but can't see consequences I can apply.I understand the importance of looking after oneself so I am reaching out for support here. But the fear of him harming himself due to his inability to see any positives seems to dictate I become a nobody and that doesn't sit well with me.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Depressed partner..

replies: 4

Hi there... My partner has bi-polar and goes through periods where she is inaccessible.. I find it hard to break the wall she puts up - with things like binge-watching a tv show, and then going out drinking with her friends. She is functional with a full time job... but I feel like for some time now I have been getting no quality time with her, which I find very difficult. At the moment, she is depressed and does not want to talk about it, which is fair enough but it just leaves us at a dead end. It seems like she doesn't want to talk to me much either - I feel like she gets better quality time with her friends than with me. Most of the time we are together, we are doing separate things. She will tell me that she loves me often, but I'm not feeling that. I find it hard to deal with the fact that she doesn't seem to want to do anything with me - she likes to drink and I do not - so she just goes out with her friends, or when we're home together, she binge watches netflix... if I suggest going outside, she usually doesn't want to. The things she does with me or for me I feel are out of a sense of 'duty'. She will often say, if I say I feel like we haven't spent much time together "but we went out together last night!". She doesn't seem to see that it's that I'm not feeling connected to her - obviously massively to do with her depression. If I tell her I'm feeling disconnected, it feels like she begrudgingly agrees, just to say that 'we spent that time together'. She tries, but I don't feel any emotional connection. I'm afraid of what it is doing to our relationship. And I'm worried about her. At the moment it's even worse because she's angry at me for something I did, but I feel upset with her for even being so angry with me about something that means so much to me. Anyway... I'm feeling lost... thanks for reading. I am not trying to ignore that I am probably not responding ideally to her being depressed... it's just been a long time and it makes me feel a bit resentful and my acceptance and understanding feels like it's being grated back.

Very depressed and lonely

replies: 3

I am the sort of person who supports a lot of other people who have various problems, including my 14yo daughter, but I am feeling so over-whelmed now, as, when I really need some support, no one seems available for me, or are still needing me to support them, which I will obviously still do. I just feel very emotionally drained, and a bit angry, that I am the one that ends up with no effective support from my friends when I need it! I even feel guilty now, for posting this here, but I just need some nice words and some help please.

How do I help my partner with depression?

replies: 4

Hello everyone, I have never used a forum before. But I have no one to talk to about this. I just moved in with my partner and he has always had OCD and severe anxiety but has been on medication that has worked mostly until now. He just moved states and I know it's the biggest adjustment because I have done it too and we have no support where we are living and I don't know how to help him. He is distant and rude, he has such a short fuse and anything I say he takes as a personal attack. I try to talk about it but he doesn't want too and I feel so lonely because it's just me that is here with him. Plus I have never lived with him before and it's just so hard to realise how badly he is being affected by it all. He saw a psychologist and on the first day they just upped his medication but it's not working. And I want him to see someone else but he gets too upset and just wants to go to sleep. I love him so much and we have always had this amazing connection. But it is going because he's just not himself and it sounds so selfish but I miss who he was before. And I feel like I'm trying everything I can cooking/cleaning/walking the dog, to try and make things easier for him. But I'm just at a lost end. And it's early days but I wanted to know if anyone had advice? thanks

How to support a relative without pushing too hard

replies: 2

Hi all. My sister has had depression for around 2 years now. Before that, she was a cheerful uni student, with no visible signs of anxiety/depression. I believe the depression was triggered largely by lack of a job/career path. She didn't have a job lined up when she graduated, didn't find many places where she wanted to apply, considered a few other degrees, but has not landed on anything. I think she feels she doesn't have any direction in her life. She looks around at her friends and peers and sees them graduating, and finding jobs, partnering up, etc. and she feels like she isn't doing anything of value. This is in no way a judgement, just me trying to make sense of her condition. She had a part-time job as a tutor the year before last, but leading classes was stressful work for her, and she quit. We (my mother and I, we all live together) have tried to encourage her to look for a job, help with suggestions, etc., but she says she is afraid of having to turn up to the same job every day and take on responsibility. Even the thought of doing that is too stressful for her to bear. She has tried to face her depression, and I'm proud of her for that. She tried anti-depressants, but didn't like the way they made her feel. She was advised to do things she enjoys, and she's tried, taking dance/music/art lessons, and getting involved in community events. However, it hasn't been enough to lift her out of her funk. She went to a couple of psychologists, but didn't get anything out of it and doesn't want to go back. After a recent function she participated in, where she saw a number of her highly successful (read: overachieving) peers, she basically says she can't be bothered trying to fight anymore. I'm not trying to say she's made a specific suicide threat - although she has done in the past - she is saying she can't see the point of it, and feels like she will never get out of the depression, and her life will never go anywhere. I don't quite know what to do. I am trying to hang out with her, both just to have fun and to try to encourage her to talk, but the latter is hard, she doesn't like talking about her condition because she feels she is lowering herself in our eyes by admitting to weakness (which is ridiculous!) Asking her about job plans etc. stresses her out. The only thing I can think to do is to keep trying, gently, but I don't want to do anything to push her over the edge. Any advice/perspective would be much appreciated. Thanks.

Please help

replies: 2

Hi,I am on here as a last resort....i am lost and dont know what to do anymore. I have been living with my best friend for the last 6yrs and she has become my family. We even bought a house together last year.. She has been struggling with sever depression and anxiety for pretty much the whole time. I was finally able to get her the help that she needed last year and is now on medication to help. A while back i lost her trust because i had said some hurtful things about her to other people. When this happened she attempted suicide. Now she is very scared that this is happeneing again and as much as i reassure her she doesnt have that trust in me any more to believe what i say. She told me last night that she doesnt belong in this world. I am the only person that has ever made her feel safe and as if she belonged and if she doesnt have that anymore she has nothing and has to 'go'. I am so scared and tired i just dont know what to do anymore. I cant handle to pressure anymore and im scared for my own safety.Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Please help me help my husnband

replies: 10

My husband is not in a good way. We have been together for 12 years and when I look back now I can see that he was never really happy but me being me just thought he was quiet and introverted and that I could bring him out of himself. Now I think that he has never actually felt happy and he has told me things recently about how he's really been feeling. The crazy thing is that over the years I have tried to understand him and communicate but he has always shut me down. I've asked him to chat to someone with me to help (but he has always refused), I have sought help myself in the past so that I had support. He will not see a doctor. He says they can't help him. He is very black and white about things. I am not one to play the blame game and I truly just want to know what I can do next. he has told me recently that he has dark thoughts but not about committing suicide. He is having terrible violent nightmares and he seems disconnected. He said he sometimes feels like an onlooker when he's with people and that he's not a part of things. I know he is feeling dreadful but I don't know what to do when he won't seek help. It also affects me because he does things like go out after work drinking and not call to tell me he'll be late and arrive home at 1am and then the next morning he is so upset with himself that I don't know how to deal with it. he said that drinking takes away the negative thoughts for a short time but then it's worse the next day. And I know this as I am there trying to help him! But I also feel let down and frustrated because my feelings don't seem to matter. Now our son is older and he is asking why dad has been going out and not telling us and it is affecting him. There is a part of me trying to teach my son empathy and compassion and the other part of me wanting him to understand that this behaviour is not an ok way to treat others. He is physically disconnected too. He has had panic attacks and recently told me that it feels like his heart is going to tear out of his chest. I seriously want to help him but don't want to be an enabler and that is how I'm feeling now. Any insight would be gratefully received and appreciated.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

New to forum: desperate to help my husband replies: 10

is there nothing more I can do, I don't want to sit back and watch him fade away and die replies: 2

Supporting, which has led to depression replies: 5

How to detach when mental illness is suspected replies: 3

Depressed partner.. replies: 4

Very depressed and lonely replies: 3

How do I help my partner with depression? replies: 4

How to support a relative without pushing too hard replies: 2

Please help replies: 2

Please help me help my husnband replies: 10