rebuilding our relationship after a major depressive episode and a seperation

[sonnenschein]

Hi

M & I were together for 8 yrs before his first crippling depressive episode. Together since we were 16, during that time he had been diagnosed with bipolar. He had many episodes of depression, but nothing as bad as what was to come. Because we were so young & didn't know anything about depression, I thought he was just being a jerk. I now know different. When the breakdown came, I stayed with him for a further 2-3 years. We were always close but I ended up being completely involved with his depression to the point I had no life or identity of my own anymore. I read as much as I could about it, I stayed in bed with him & took time off work because I was so scared that he wouldn't survive the day if I left. When I did leave him alone, I was constantly calling or messaging to make sure he was basically still alive. If he didn't answer I would get onto his family and become super anxious. I started seeing a psychologist because I also became depressed. She said I needed to back off basically, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind.

After 2-3 years of this I finally broke down & I also ended the relationship, just after our 10th anniversary. This was 2 years ago. During this time, I have been depressed & isolated myself. It has been a very slow process of rebuilding friendships & working through my own issues but I have my own life & ambitions again.

M contacted me 6 months ago, out of the blue. He wanted to show me how well he was doing a& tell me that he got a job. Since then, we have both admitted we still feel exactly the same about each other & when we are together, it's just like how it used to be. Lately we have been talking about getting back together. He has been feeling really stressed about it & last night told me that he is worried that we will end up back where we were a few years ago if it happens again & he is scared that he won't make me happy in the future.

I have told him multiple times how much I have learned since we broke up, about depression & about what went wrong. Now I know the signs, & that I should also look after myself.But at the moment, he can only see the negative.

Next week I leave the country for 5 months so I told him today we should forget about talking about the future now & take it slow, talking as friends as we have been everyday. Getting rid of the pressure. I can't give up on us & him & let the depression win again. How can I make our relationship progress?

Thanks a lot

[white knight]

Hi and welcome

On the positive side, you know each other very well and you are still in love. Furthermore you have a mutual respect still intact. That's a lot to fight for.

I think you need guidencr to ensure this works. While you are away add some logical sensible planning to your future relationship.

Discuss things like...

Coping strategies. Seek help from a service like Relationships Australia

How he can care for you as you care for him. Google: topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue

Short medium and long range plans. Work, children, residential issues and goals.

Keep the communication strong and regular eg via Skype, email.

Be keen as you might feel but be clear you are not automatically returning to the relationship unless the above are tackled.

Good luck. It seems to me he is worth the effort if his effort is continuous.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello, how caring you were by looking after him, but what can happen and did happen was that it all became an enormous burden on the both of you, where you had to be by yourself due to depression.
This is what could happen and a good % the relationship or marriage breaks down where they don't believe there is any hope of a reconciliation because the two people are at two ends of the corner.
If the two of you want to get back together you must focus on the present and what you are looking forward to in the future, because if you start talking about the past then you will be sucked back into exactly how it was, and the relationship will end.
You need to make sure the both of you are ready to move on, continue to seek counselling and taking any medication that has been prescribed and if the med's need to be changed then go back to your doctor.
A long this journey so much can be learnt, all of which can make you a stronger person where some of those niggly points will be handled much differently than before.
Being away for 5 months could make or break your relationship, because it's a long time to be apart, even though you can still have contact with each other but a great deal can change within this time, you meet new people travelling the same countries as you are and a new relationship could form, because you can't say that 'nothing will happen' and the same could also happen with M.
I do believe that this break is what you need to do, to clear your mind and to get another prospective on life, so I wish you both well. Geoff. x

[Carmela]

Hi, Tony and Geoff have provided some valuable advice. I do think the time apart will give you clarity to answer your question - How can I make our relationship progress? I am of the belief that love, respect, and trust are the foundation of a good relationship. If these are present, you have a solid start to building up a relationship rocked by mental illness.

Seeking help from Relationships Australia is highly recommended. My husband and I turned to this service when things go tough for us. They were extremely helpful and helped us build our relationship resilience when the depression came knocking as well as establish boundaries. We also saw counsellors to support us individually.

I hope you continue to use the forum - as there's always someone here to listen.

Please take care of yourself.

[sonnenschein]

@white knight- that is a good idea to have some logical plans for the future and consult with Relationships Australia, which had never occurred to me before.

Right now, he is too depressed about the situation that it is almost impossible to talk to him about it. I talk and he says nothing, basically.

But I think these things will be good to bring up later once we are through this hard time and he is thinking a little clearer, perhaps just before I return back to Australia. I have been very clear about what I want in the future and he is scared that he can't give me those things. But I know he wants them because he has told me before. He is just scared and I think he thinks, he is better off alone.

[sonnenschein]

Hi Geoff, you are totally right. We have to stop talking about the past, the depression is just sucking us back in. I think it is also a good idea if we both started going to counselling together. He has never been a fan, but it might be better if we did it as a team.

I am not really worried about the time apart. We didn't see or speak to each other for over a year after our break up and have had many months like that since, but it is always the same when we do see and speak to each other, we are still as close as ever. But this time I am determined not to give up and let us drift again!

[sonnenschein]

Hi Carmela, it is really great to hear how Relationships Australia has helped you and your husband. That gives me hope that even people with depression can be married and have a lifelong relationship, unfortunately M doesn't see it that way at the moment. I think a major mistake we made last time was that we just tried to deal with it all ourselves and didn't really utilise any outside help and support. Like I said to Geoff, he is not a fan of seeing doctors and counsellors but maybe he will agree this time if it means preventing what happened last time. And if he doesn't, at least I know now where I can go for help.

I believe in love, trust and respect as a foundation of a relationship and we have had that from day 1. Even with the depression, we have a relationship that I have never seen before with other couples and I just hope that he can fight his depression and give us another chance and not let it ruin it forever.

Thank you so much, it is great to finally be in touch with people who understand what we are going through!