My boyfriend's depressed, how do I help without pushing him away?

CuppaT · ‎21-06-2016

Hi all, new here, just after a bit of advice...

First a little about me, I am a 23-year-old guy who suffers from anxiety/depression. I was diagnosed about 3 years ago and I'm still riding the rollercoaster that is my mental health. But I'm in a pretty good place at the moment.

What I actually want some advice on is my boyfriend, who also suffers from anxiety and depression. We've only been together about 6 months and it's going really well otherwise. We were open straight away about our mental health and are comfortable talking about it with each other. Lately, though, it seems his depression is getting worse. He seems distant or switched off more often. We see each other 3 or 4 times a week but he's started cancelling on me once or twice a week. He'll always be honest about why ("I'm having a bad day" or "I'm just not feeling up to it" kind of thing) and I respect that - I know what it's like to just need to be alone sometimes. I'm just worried that it's becoming more frequent.

When we started dating, his own coping mechanisms seemed to be working for him. He already had very supportive friends and family and he was much more optimistic. Although I was worried he wasn't seeing a doctor/psych regularly and just relying on his script.

He's coming to the end of his script now but he skipped out on a follow-up appointment last week and it has me really worried about him.

I want to help, I want to tell him to go see his doctor but I don't want to push too hard because I know I could easily push him away.

So... uh... yeah. Any advice would be muchly appreciated.

Thanks

Gruffudd · ‎22-06-2016

Hi there, and welcome from me too.

Sounds like a lot going on there. I'm not sure you can beat the talking and the listening, because there is nothing like a good friend who is just there no matter what. If I would have any advice it would be to remember the little things. There are those things that you enjoy, that he enjoys. Even when depressed or anxious there are little things that feel good. Mine include, gardening, walking in the sunshine, spending time with Radio Cymru as I am right now.

I agree with seeing the doctor and talking about the medication and anything else that might help, there are some resources on having the conversation here - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/parents-and-guardians/have-the-conversation

I like the approach of checking in, talking about how I've been too. You know men are a bit funny about this stuff sometimes. It doesn't hurt to ask how things are or to voice how you are feeling sometimes.

Always happy to talk through stuff on these forums. Check out the sexuality section while you are here.

Rob.

CuppaT · ‎22-06-2016

Thanks for the advice, Rob.

I think you're probably right and all I can do for the moment is be there for him. Part of my worry is probably my impulse to try to "fix" people. I'll try taking a step back and just offering my support.

Thanks for the link too! I'd had a poke around the site already but hadn't come across that particular page.

Ted x