What a crap day - a day I sit here and write about at midnight when once
again I am wide awake. I am trying to make decisions - whether to live
or die. I think the world will be a better place without me but then a
small part of me wants to live, wan...
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What a crap day - a day I sit here and write about at midnight when once
again I am wide awake. I am trying to make decisions - whether to live
or die. I think the world will be a better place without me but then a
small part of me wants to live, wants to keep going but it is such a
lonely trail - one that so many do not understand or even try to
understand. Me, well now I have a new understanding of what depression
feels like, I will never, and I mean NEVER scoff at someone who says
they are depressed again. I now have an idea at how dark their hole must
feel, at how different each hole must be in darkness, depth and in
despair as it can change day to day. I now know what it feels like to be
at the end with little if anything to look forward to. Once such a
strong person, always in control, successful and respected - that has
now all gone. Each morning as I struggle to wake, my body does not
respond, hands and feet are puffy and my mind an empty space full of
fog. . Your eyes refuse to focus and I find myself having to wear my
glasses continuously. I stumble to the bathroom, mouth dry wondering
what today will bring and how I will face it with only 2-3 hours sleep.
I must say I have (or HAD) a lovely dr. She seemed to understand and I
felt like I could be me with her. She guided me and made decisions for
me that I could not make. But now I am faced with a new Dr, one I do not
know and who will probably send me off to the mental home. If they have
not gone on this journey with me then how do they know. My psychologist,
lovely too, but when I hear her say 'it is just a job' about my work, I
wonder if I am 'just a job' or a number too. I want to tell her I have a
plan when she asks but am too afraid and I sit in silence, she will know
what I am talking about. I wonder if she noticed I had been self-harming
at our last appt. I have been thinking about suicide a lot. I take
medication 3 x a day - I take and wait for it to work, they are suppose
to stop the panic attacks but as I lie here I feel no effect at all.
They changed my dose of medication too - it makes me tired, useless, out
of control and now extreme anger. And that is what made my day so bad.
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How do I talk to my doctor?
