Big Black Hole

[roogirl]

Hi there, I'm new to the forums.  I have been battling depression for the past few months after a health scare.  Now I'm finding that a lot of issues from my past have cropped up and I'm having to deal with my grief from a broken marriage 10 years ago.  This is really hard for my as I've lived alone quite successfully for the past 10 years.  I am getting professional help etc, but some days it's really hard going.  I have a good family and good friends who support me, but at times I feel totally alone in this.  My greatest thing is battling my stomach depression which wakes me up in the morning, it's like a gigantic knot in my stomach.  I do breathing exercises and try to relax, but the only real way of releasing the knot is to cry, and then that can last for quite a while.  Now to top it off, I,m having songs and music stuck in my head.  Am I going crazy?????  Any suggestions would be great.  I'm 65 years old and didn't think I'd have to walk this road again.

[Neil_1]

Hi there roo girl

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

Firstly, NO, you’re not going crazy – it’s always an interesting question, but it’s never a thing that is happening to us.  We live with a mental health issue and that’s the bottom line;  we’re afflicted with this due to the lack of chemicals in our mind/brain being made to help us cope with life – hence the need for so many of us to be on anti-depressant medication, which provide us with those chemicals, so it helps to ease that side of things for us.

Wowee, I sure know about that “knot in the stomach” feeling – I refer to mine as being a big spring inside, that just continues to turn and to get tighter and tighter.  My release for that kind of pressure if a physical one – where I get to the gym and have a massive workout session;   but yes, I can see where crying can be a release as well.  I think after both kinds of release, we kind of then have a bit of a ‘washed-out’ feeling.

The songs in your head – I’m gathering they’re from something you’ve recently heard on the wireless?   See what I did there?   I called it wireless, cause you’re 65 years young and I’m 49 and my Dad used to always refer to it as the ‘wireless’.  Good huh?    I still like to refer to the old radio at times as the wireless.   Anyway, slight digression there – I’m not sure if you are into music, but is it possible to listen to some “good” music that you like that might hopefully over-ride the ‘other music’ that’s in your head.

It is very good to read that you have good support from friends and family – this can be a very helpful thing, so that’s pleasing to here.

Would love to have you write back.

Kind regards

Neil

[White_Rose]

Hello Roogirl

Welcome and it's great to read your post.

Wow, you could be talking about me. I left my husband 15 years ago and have been living alone since. I had a massive depression that started a year after I left and took a long time to work through. Never had anything of the sort in my life before then so it was a massive shock.

I went to a psychiatrist for help. Interestingly I found I did not talk about my marriage a great deal, or at least I don't remember doing so. My grief gradually faded away over the years although I still get annoyed over one or two things now and then.

About three years ago I was quite severely bullied and harassed and I became depressed again. This time I went to a psychologist who has been incredibly helpful and I have to say that some of the 'old stuff' came up again. This second round has produced the stomach knots when I wake. I think of it as a panic attack as I also find it difficult to breathe. So I lie there and let it wash over me while I try to focus on something else.

It's not easy to force yourself to think of something else but it is truly worthwhile. I think of what I am going to do that day or what I did the day before if it was enjoyable. I think of my grandchildren and some of the things they do and say or I remind myself of something to look forward to.

Once I have got my breath back I get up and make a pot of tea. It's a good standby and I switch on the radio and listen to music while I drink the tea. I believe the trick is to get out of bed as quickly as possible and do something active, even if it's only making the tea. Neil goes to the gym but then he is younger than either of us.

I understand about the crying and sometimes I end up like that. The trouble is, as you say, it makes you tired and less inclined to do anything else. So try getting out of bed quickly and involving yourself in something.

I'm not sure what you are hearing with your music. I often find a song in my mind and it can get stuck there for a while. If I know the song I will sing it over and over until I am fed up with that one and go on to sing something else. That's the joy of living alone, no one else can hear you and complain about the noise.

So no, you are not crazy. It's quite normal to have a song or music or even part of a play stuck in your memory. You could try remembering when you heard it before and under what circumstances. You never know what the memory is trying to tell you.

Like Neil, I would love to get a reply from you.

Mary

[roogirl]

Hi Neil,

It was great to receive my first ever post on the forum.  I must say today started off not so great, that's always the way with my stomach knot.  However, like you I tend to do deep breathing which helps,  then out of bed.  Firstly, to get ready for work and also the damn thing won't let me sleep in anyway.  I find that once I'm on my feet the tension eases.  So in some ways I'm grateful for the fact that it forces me to be up and about otherwise I would just lay there and continue to feel miserable.

 Yes, I love the term 'wireless', my darling mum who passed 11 years ago would only refer to the radio as the wireless.  Yes, I did hear the song on the 'wireless', and maybe next time I'll stick to the Beatles or Stones, oh and I just love Bruce Springsteen.  Pretty good for an old bloke!!

Did you realise the song stuck in your head has a name -'ear worm' and it's very common.  So hopefully it will slither away really soon, maybe into the compost.

Once again, thanks for the kind words and reassurance, it's made me feel a lot better.  I know there will be good days and bad days, and hopefully the good days just get better.

Cheers Neil

Roogirl

[roogirl]

Hi White Rose,

Firstly thank you for your reply to my first ever post on the Forum.  I find the more I talk to people the more I find so many of us suffer from depression/anxiety.  We just don't talk about it that much.  It's always been thought of as a taboo subject or a sign of weakness, but it's an illness like heart disease or diabetes.  Thankfully, I think it's all changing a lot thanks to great places like Beyond Blue and other organisations who are raising awareness just as we do every time we connect with another person.

I must say, today even though it started off with me feeling pretty average it did improve.  The sun was shining and the birds were singing and you know even though this beast of a thing makes life so hard at times, it's still great to be alive.

The song stuck in your head officially has a name - ear worm.  And it doesn't have anything to do with slithery critters.  Apparently, it's a very common condition.  For me, I know it's my anxiety focusing on the song and turning my brain into mush.  My doctor told me today it will just go away when the brain gets sick of the same old thing.  So that made me feel a little better.

I know the road ahead is long and difficult with good days and bad ones.  I just try to stay positive when I can, and hope the good days get longer.

Thank you White Rose for your kind and supportive words.  It's good to hear from those struggling and overcoming the same issues.

 Warm regards

Roogirl

[Neil_1]

Hi there Roo Girl

Hey, it was great to hear back from you and thank you for latest response.

“Ear worm” eh?   Never heard of it, but I have now.

“The Boss” is awesome – wow, I went to see him in concert way back, must have been 1986 !!   Drove down to Melbourne from Canberra to see him perform at the Melbourne Show Ground, if memory serves me correctly.  Something like 30,000 people, if memory serves me correctly.

I love his music and his lyrics – just so profound.  In the song, Human Touch, he says:

Oh girl that feeling of safety you prize

 Well it comes with a hard hard price

 You can't shut off the risk and pain

 Without losin' the love that remains

 We're all riders on this train

 So you been broken and you been hurt

 Show me soomebody who ain't

No doubt referring to the breaking up of a relationship.

Awesome stuff.

And thank you for this, because now my ear worm is up and active with The Boss belting out a tune.  🙂

Neil

[roogirl]

Hi Neil,

Glad you agree about 'The Boss'.  I saw him firstly in 1986 also and then at Hanging Rock when my son took me in 2013.  He was unbelievable.  So connected with his fans.  I've never seen a 65 year old 'crowd surf' before, but he did.

Anyway, it's nice to talk to people on this forum.   I'm feeling pretty ordinary again today.  The 'earworm' is still going, but not as bad.  I know that's my anxiety.  I'm off to see my psychologist this morning then a blood test about my sensitivities to medications.  That's part of the problem - am on antidepressants, but my metabolism can only cope with small amounts, so hence the anxiety/depression keeps going on and on.  Hopefully, this will all be ironed out soon.  I've been seeing a psychiatrist also about the meds and I find her very good and helpful.  I've never had so many appointments in all my life and I'm still working full time.  I'm feeling very stuck (that's the only word I can come up with) and not going forward or backward.  What I would really like to do is just up and run away, but of course I can't.  My daughter lives in the USA and I can go there, but of course eventually I have to come home and face my problems.  Thankfully, my daughter and her American family are returning next year after being away for 14 years.

Sorry if I'm rambling this morning, but it's nice to correspond with someone who's been down this road.

Thanks for listening Neil

Cheers

Roogirl

[geoff]

dear Roogirl, I just wonder if I can chip in here after my good friends Mary and Neil have replied to you, and welcomed you with open arms.

I would just like to know if your health scare has been diagnosed, and if so whether you are having treatment for it, because it doesn't take much to start any depression, and when this happens it escalates.

Your broken marriage of 10 years is never a pleasant happening, although when mine broke up after much longer than this, it has turned out to be better for me now, although we are still good friends and we did achieve so much together, but I still remember the good times that we shared.

Being fixated on something, and with you it's songs, and when this happens to me I have to draw my attention away because I have OCD so it's crucial that do something else.

These songs are for a reason because the words make us think about someone special or perhaps a special happening that we love to think of or idolise, like a person we have grand memories of.

I am in the same age group as you are because I'm 60 years old, but remember when you started driving and the car radio cut out going around a corner, or you had to twist the radio around to get any reception, thank goodness all of that has changed. L Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Hello Roogirl

It's good to hear you are enjoying a more comfortable day. They are such a blessing when they happen.  Interesting name "ear worm". I suppose it quite graphically describes what is happening. I think I will drop the name quite casually when someone comments about a song stuck in the brain and sound quite knowledgeable. Thanks for heads up.

I hope your session with psychologist had been profitable. I have always had problems with sensitivity to ADs and like you could only tolerate small doses. However, at the begining of this second round of depression my doctor gave me a relatively new AD.  Unfortunately I cannot give the name here. I started with a smallish dose and I felt it did not really do anything more for me than other ADs except that I could pretty much tolerate it.

Recently the dose has been increased twice with no side effects. Hurrah! Well there was one side effect. My brain felt as though it had been spring cleaned and all the parts were working together in the way they were meant to work. It was the most amazing feeling. The euphoria did wear off eventually but I have been left with a better functioning brain and more ability to think coherently and even objectively at times. My psychologist tells me that's what ADs are supposed to do.

So after many years of trying to cope with a half functioning brain I am seeing the light again and it truly is wonderful. Yes, I also know the road is long and sometimes I have been so dispirited that I wonder where I have found the motivation to continue. But I have and I am so pleased I persevered.

I am a member of a meditation group that meets weekly and we also get together once a month to have discussions. It is amazing where these discussions take us. One thing we are all agreed on is that it is the journey that matters, not the destination.

I believe this absolutely applies to depression. Many people will experience some form of depression all their lives for whatever reason. But if we journey with hope, courage and love we will be able to smell the roses, admire the view and enjoy our time. Depression is not the only thing that stops people living what is called a fulfilled life. We can have that life as long as we recognise we will have bad or sad days but that we can manage them and carry on.

At my advanced age (71) I am finally learning to let go of the hurts and the self-reproaches and focus on being joyful. No it doesn't work all the time, but I am still learning.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi roo girl

And now we’ve gotten to know each other, I’ve gotta ask – how come ‘roo girl’?    Are you a North Melbourne footy fan?

Sorry, I know Geoff and Mary have popped in with questions to you also, but I just had to ask.

It’s an amazing thing isn’t it – having the issues that we do, we then need to seek out appointments and sessions with professionals in order to provide support and help to us.  But the amazing thing is, when I’m feeling low and needing an appointment, it’s one of the hardest things to do – to make appointments, still we have to otherwise, well, we just end up in a bad ongoing loop.

Someone else used to say that they wished they could just run away – my response was, ‘Yes, you can run away, but your mind will go with you – so you may have a new location, but for the most part, your issues will still be there with you’.  Unless of course your depression is solely caused by where you’re living.

Cheers

Neil