Big Black Hole

roogirl · ‎09-03-2015

Hi there, I'm new to the forums. I have been battling depression for the past few months after a health scare. Now I'm finding that a lot of issues from my past have cropped up and I'm having to deal with my grief from a broken marriage 10 years ago. This is really hard for my as I've lived alone quite successfully for the past 10 years. I am getting professional help etc, but some days it's really hard going. I have a good family and good friends who support me, but at times I feel totally alone in this. My greatest thing is battling my stomach depression which wakes me up in the morning, it's like a gigantic knot in my stomach. I do breathing exercises and try to relax, but the only real way of releasing the knot is to cry, and then that can last for quite a while. Now to top it off, I,m having songs and music stuck in my head. Am I going crazy????? Any suggestions would be great. I'm 65 years old and didn't think I'd have to walk this road again.

roogirl · ‎12-03-2015

Hi Geoff,

Nice to meet you at last. I have a lot of your posts on the forum. Firstly, my health scare turned out NOT to be a heart attack or a blocked artery, but I do have a slightly enlarged aorta. The depression/anxiety this time started after I was taken off all the medications I had been put on because they thought I had a blocked artery. I was taken off the meds 'cold turkey' and had withdrawals etc etc. I was in a real state I can tell you. I couldn't focus clearly with my eyes, or drive, or work. I had to stay with family for 4 weeks. I was pretty sick and in came the depression and anxiety. While I've had depression in the past, I've not had anxiety like this. But I'm getting a lot of professional help and have a great family and wonderful friends.

The marriage bit - well.... I was married to my second husband for 22 years and been on my own for 10. However, since the health scare, I'm having difficulty being on my own quite a lot. I've lived by myself and never been lonely, but now it's a different matter. My marriage ended very badly for me and I was so angry for all these years that the grieving process never took place, but it is now. I know I have to get through this process to have closure. At least I've got to the point of being able to forgive him, but I can't forgive or forget what he did to me or my family. However, I'm not bitter and twisted or anything like that, we had some very good years together also and I'm thankful for that.

With the song stuck in my head, like you suggested I'm trying to distract myself away from it as much as possible. Yes the song ties into the past and I just want to move forward.

Thanks Geoff for your words of encouragement and support.

Roogirl

roogirl · ‎12-03-2015

Hi Mary,

Well today is not one of my best. I'm very tired tonight after blood tests a psychologist's appt and working. I'm getting too old for this!!! I just try and remember that tomorrows another day, and hopefully it will be better.

I'm glad to hear that meds have been sorted out and you are feeling so much better. It's a really hard one when you have sensitivities. I'm just trying to gradually increase the dosage bit by bit. Too much and I'm in another world and I can't stand that feeling of being light headed and woozie. So we'll see how this all plays out.

Thanks for listening. Hope to hear from you again very soon.

Glenda

roogirl · ‎12-03-2015

Hi Neil,

How perceptive of you - yes I am a North Melbourne fan through and through. Have followed the boys all my life and have been a member for about 20 years now. So do you follow the footy and should I ask who? My family are a mixture, but mostly St Kilda. Gee, I can't even convert my 6 month old grand-daughter. I've been told by my son she'll be following St Kilda. But, we'll see - I'll keep persisting, I'm a bit like that.

I know the running away is a bit of a dream and yes it will follow and catch you. So better to turn and face the on coming storm no matter how hard it blows you around. Just have to wait and hope for better and calmer days ahead.

Well, that's it from me tonight. Hope to speak soon.

Cheers

Roogirl (Glenda)

Neil_1 · ‎13-03-2015

Dear Roo Girl

Facing the oncoming storm – yes, that definitely one way of looking at it. My thoughts on this is that’s a good thing to do as long as you’ve got mechanisms in place to help you battle through it.

You’ve got your meds and hopefully, gee my memories hopeless, that you’ve got a counsellor who you can see and talk with.

Ok, I’m hearing you loud and clear with your footy allegiance, and that’s a great thing with the season fast approaching – it can help, when the boys are going well, but yeah, it can be sometimes hard to deal with, depending on the level of support we actually give out. Different people, different levels of interest/enthusiasm, the whole bit. I’ll slide in here that I am very happy with my team over the last two years (well, actually, always happy with my team, but ultra happy over the last two years). And to give you the final clue, your boys took the points on Sunday arve over my boys at Shepparton in the NAB Cup game.

Now, apart from footy and the whole range of things that brings to the table for us each season, do you have or are you involved in any other interests/activities? You know, things to help keep one occupied and hopefully away from the low feelings.

Great to hear back from you again.

Neil

roogirl · ‎13-03-2015

Dear Neil

Good to hear back from you again. So we're a happy team at Hawthorn. Thank heavens it's not Collingwood. Can't wait for the season proper to start.

You asked about my other interests/activities well.. I like cricket - I like the tests and not so keen on the one dayers and can't stand big bash. May as well go and play baseball is how I look at that. I have a great passion for reading - I read every day and I find it takes me out of my world into the world on the pages. I find it great therapy. I like to walk, the movies, and travel. Trouble with travel is it can be very expensive. So always have to save for that one. What about you? Besides footy and the gym, what are your interests?

Anyway, as always at this time of the night, I'm done. So, hope to talk really soon.

Cheers Neil

Roogirl

roogirl · ‎15-03-2015

Hi White Rose,

It's Roogirl here this morning. I heard from my psychiatrist on Friday that my blood work was ok (I suffer for low thyroid condition), so she wants me to try and up the AD by quarter. I know this increase is very minimal but I'm feeling very anxious starting. I'm starting tonight. If I have side effects, I have to try in thirds over the day. Of course, I know if it all gets too much, I can drop it back to original dosage. It's being increased due to my feeling 'stuck' and having good and bad days which I know is normal, but as I told you previously I become very emotional and cry a lot. Not while I am at work because I'm surrounded by people and occupied, but at home well that's another matter. My psychiatrist does not want to take me of this AD at this stage because once I start weaning myself off I'll get whacked with the depression/anxiety in one big hit. Being sensitive to medications is really awful. The last time I took this particular AD was 10 years ago and I had no side effects, but now I do. It's a bit crazy, maybe as you get older your metabolism probably doesn't work in the same way as when you were younger. I'm not feeling particularly brave about all of this, but will do my best. I have tried other AD's, but not with any success. Any advice you can give would be gladly accepted. Just hate the feeling from side effects of being not quite myself and a little woozie.

Thanks for listening.

Regards

Roogirl

Neil_1 · ‎16-03-2015

Hi there Roogirl

Hey, just as well that there’s no “d” in the middle of your name, otherwise, you’d go from a roo girl to a rude girl. Sorry, it’s early Monday morning and I haven’t had my 2nd cup of coffee yet. So yes, apart from going to the gym enjoying footy, I try hard to come up with funny stuff. Mostly it’s an epic fail.

Ok, so you sound very much like my big bro, 9 years my elder, as he LOVES the Test cricket, he doesn’t mind the 50 overs, but has no time for the Big Bash; whereas, I love all formats; so through Dec/Jan, I was telling him all about the awesomeness of the Big Bash and I knew I was talking to a brick wall, but hey, each to their own. I do very much enjoy the NRL as well, so come winter time, the footy is awesome. I also like holidays, public holidays and anything that rhymes with the words “flex day” or “day off work”.

I’m a bit concerned about your feelings with regard to the AD increase. Just saw your post to White Rose and wanted to chip in as well. I’m a bit confused; your psyche wants to ‘up’ your dosage with your current AD – but are you already having some unwanted side-effects from it? You wrote further down that the last time you took this, there were no side effects, but you are having them now – have I read all this correct?

I’ve tried a number of different meds along my journey, until settling on “some” that agree with me – but what I experienced with a few of them were the feelings of unease, or woozieness (ain’t that a grand word), but after a day or 3, mostly those feelings would settle down and your body becomes used to the different feeling.

Have you been on this latest AD for long or have you just been put on it? I hope you haven’t already mentioned this.

Yes, the weaning off procedure from an AD has to be a slow and carefully monitored one, so I can understand what your psyche is saying there; BUT sometimes it is necessary if the one that they’ve got us on is making us worse.

Hope to hear back from you.

Neil

White_Rose · ‎17-03-2015

Hello Glenda

Sorry for not being good at responding. Had a few minor things happen but it is amazing how much they throw you out of your routine.

Increasing your ADs? You say you are a bit nervous about this. Yes, I can understand that as I was nervous also. Of course the problem is that we do not know how the change will affect us. By now you will have taken the increase for several days. How is it going? Any side effects may be showing by now but not the benefits. The benefits can take up to several weeks to show. I do hope you are not experiencing any uncomfortable effects, which will probably manifest themselves before the good stuff.

But as Neil has said, after a few days they often settle down. Please try to stay with it unless it is unutterably unbearable. Side effects do go while the beneficial effects stay.

I am so sorry. I just found myself falling asleep at the computer. Even though it's only 1:30 pm I cannot keep my eyes open. When I have had my 'nanna nap' I will return and try to write a coherent answer.

Mary

InThePink58 · ‎17-03-2015

Hello roogirl, I have found (from local library) an audio-book by Dir. Michael Olpin & Sam Bracken aptly called "UNWIND". This is my new best friend. I have been listening to this daily for the last 5 days and must confess to be able to see what my Psych and Dr. having been doing their best to help me do and understand.

Like you, I have also been on my own for the last dozen or so years after a marriage break up, I placed all my energy into my work. BIG mistake, I should have been doing the Act Belong Commit thing. You see I am a people person, when work finishes for the day, I go home and you guessed it, no-one to chat to.I was up until a few months ago still working FULL TIME until things changed that I was not able to deal with. I hope to return to work some time soon to my old position in the company.

My mind is still at times elsewhere, HOWEVER I am so much better within myself and less teary. roogirl, cry when you want, let us know and we may even join you from our own homes. News headlines....flooding in different parts of WA.

roogirl, I hope you get to read this post and that it makes you feel ok about things.

I suffer from Anxiety and Depression, in my line of work no one guessed...most of all me. Lots of hugs, from me.

roogirl · ‎17-03-2015

Hi Neil,

Good to hear from you. Yep me and the AD's, we don't always get along. I have a low tolerance to all sorts of medicines. In fact, last week, I had a blood test called DNAcode which tells you all about your metabolism and enzymes and how they do/don't absorb medications. So I should get results back this week sometime. Hopefully, they may come up with some answers.

Originally in the past this AD I'm on now was the only one that hadn't given me side effects, but that was 10 years ago when I was a mere slip of a girl. However, this time around I do have side effects. It's taken some time for me to be able to tolerate a small amount, however while my depression and anxiety have improved, I still have some pretty ordinary days. I did try one of the newer AD's earlier, but the side effects were unbearable. So with this current AD, my psych wants me to increase it gradually taking small amounts during the day. I did try taking it at the regular dose for a 'normal' person, but side effects toohard for me to take. Don't know if being a smaller person physically has anything to do with it and how your metabolism works.

I have and appt with psych later this week to see how I'm progressing or not. I know she is concerned about weaning me off this AD and it may bring the depression/anxiety back full.on. My tolerance to meds seems to be diminishing as I get older and it is a pain.

Ok as always, thanks for a few laughs. Hope to hear from you soon.

Regards

Roogirl