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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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thatgirl Husband with Borderline Personality Disorder, struggling to cope with it anymore
  • replies: 4

I have been with him six years. I feel like I can't keep my head above water anymore. He refuses to get treatment, try counselling, or try at all. I can't keep doing this, but I'm trapped in his web. He's like a 40 year old child, and I'm afraid what... View more

I have been with him six years. I feel like I can't keep my head above water anymore. He refuses to get treatment, try counselling, or try at all. I can't keep doing this, but I'm trapped in his web. He's like a 40 year old child, and I'm afraid what will happen if I leave. Will he hurt himself? Will I feel guilty for the rest of my life? Every time I feel like I have the strength to go, he pulls me back in. I don't love him the way that I'm supposed to anymore. I feel like I am responsible for him twenty four hours a day seven days a week. I can't even leave the house for one day without preparing all of his meals for him first. When we go out in public, I have to be on constant watch to make sure someone doesn't do something to set him off. Something as simple as walking in front of him at the grocery store.I let him gamble all of his money and use my paycheck to support us because it's just easier than fighting with him. I'm so exhausted, I don't have it in me to fight. I'm on autopilot, I can barely function. I do everything he wants or asks even if I hate him for it, simply because it's easier than dealing with his outbursts and the aftermath for three days. I am crushing under the weight of this, and lately, I have actually found myself just fantasizing about what it would be like if I died and was finally free of this burden. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I do think about it, and that's the problem. I think about doing it just to escape, so I don't have to live with the guilt, or the extreme psychological warfare that will ensue. I don't know how to make this better. Every day that passes I actually hate myself more for not being able to make a decision. I hate him too, and I know that sounds bad, but sometimes I really, actually hate him. He has completely destroyed me, but I feel sorry for him. I know it's not completely his fault. I put myself in this situation, so I'm just as much if not more to blame. The crazy thing is, I grew up with a mom with BPD, and lived through hell for fifteen years. And when I finally escaped, I got a breath of fresh air, and put myself right back in the situation with him. Only now it's worse. Because I gave up my entire life to move to this country to be with him, and I'm stuck. I'm isolated and alone here, and I can't talk to my family or friends out of embarrassment. Has anyone else been through this with a BPD? What did you do? How do you make that final decision? How do you separate yourself?

Puglett Aftermath of suicide attempt/self harm
  • replies: 3

Hello, I am hoping to hear from those who have any experience or idea of what it is like to have a close person seriously harm themselves or attempt suicide.Three weeks ago my behaviour landed me in the ICU, it was the second time I had hurt myself a... View more

Hello, I am hoping to hear from those who have any experience or idea of what it is like to have a close person seriously harm themselves or attempt suicide.Three weeks ago my behaviour landed me in the ICU, it was the second time I had hurt myself and this time it seems like those around me are still not okay from what has happened. The first time, my friends visited me in hospital and were still smiling, now they need space and time to process. I am starting to think this has been easier on me than it has for them. I'm also wondering if there is anything I can do to help them? I am already pretty open and honest about my mental health, but am wondering what else I can do? Thank you,

Grace12 Supporting sick partner
  • replies: 4

My partner is 79 and has some health issues. He is also becoming very deaf, and a bit confused because he doesn't hear our conversations very well, or mishears what I've said, or he can't remember what we have decided. I try to be kind and patient bu... View more

My partner is 79 and has some health issues. He is also becoming very deaf, and a bit confused because he doesn't hear our conversations very well, or mishears what I've said, or he can't remember what we have decided. I try to be kind and patient but feel impatient sometimes and then feel bad because I know he can't help his condition. I know that I should be kind and helpful, and keep positive but it can be really hard when I feel tired and worn out worrying about him. He says he suddenly feels like an old man, when he used to be so active and helpful to me, now roles are reversed and naturally he doesn't like to feel that he needs my help. I understand all that but still can't help myself from speaking too loudly when he hasn't heard me the first time, and then feel horrible about my behaviour. I'd appreciate some advice.

Squishy13 Holidays not so good for depression
  • replies: 3

Is anyone else struggling more during their time off than usual? I thought a few weeks off would be great for my partner, especially given that his job is a big trigger for his depression. But it seems to be worse than ever. It's like he now has too ... View more

Is anyone else struggling more during their time off than usual? I thought a few weeks off would be great for my partner, especially given that his job is a big trigger for his depression. But it seems to be worse than ever. It's like he now has too much time to be left with his mind...he doesn't want to do anything and he is so disconnected. We never have time off together so I am struggling to cope with the fact that we finally have this time, and it is being wasted. I can't help feeling resentful because I feel like I'm being held back from having a bit of fun and spending quality time together. And I feel like such a selfish and non-understanding person saying that. But I just feel alone. I am constantly putting him first and right now I am wondering how my own life is going to pan out. I would never say any of this to him.

Bear Spud Brother suicidal
  • replies: 1

Hello everyone. I think I’m just seeking advice on what I can personally do in this situation. My brother has severe and untreated mental health issues. He’s always been completely adverse to seeking assistance and over the past 8 years or so has bee... View more

Hello everyone. I think I’m just seeking advice on what I can personally do in this situation. My brother has severe and untreated mental health issues. He’s always been completely adverse to seeking assistance and over the past 8 years or so has been erratic and very hurtful to those closest to him, including myself. I’ve been estranged from him for 3 years now, as have other family members. My parents told me, whom he is currently in adhoc contact with, that they have called on Emergency services support and police in recent months. He’s in a very bad way. My primary focus is to help my parents as they are the only ones at the coal face so to speak. They have sought counselling finally to help support themselves. But I’m wondering what I can do specifically to help them, and also my one brother who is actually overseas but still in contact with him. Im not sure what else to add here. Thank you for “listening”.

Izzy-c Supporting 15yr old son with depression
  • replies: 3

Hi, I have a 15year old son who suffers from depression. He currently only leaves his room when he has to work. He connects with his friends online. It is really hard getting him to come and do something with his family. He is really low at the momen... View more

Hi, I have a 15year old son who suffers from depression. He currently only leaves his room when he has to work. He connects with his friends online. It is really hard getting him to come and do something with his family. He is really low at the moment and seems sad all the time. He currently sees a psychologist. After any advice to help me as a parent.

holdinglove Worried about my ex partner
  • replies: 4

My partner for the last 8 years and I have recently separated we share two kids. I am worried about his mental health and not sure what to do. He's triggered easily and responds with self-hate. I struggled to hear him saying " I hate myself " in fron... View more

My partner for the last 8 years and I have recently separated we share two kids. I am worried about his mental health and not sure what to do. He's triggered easily and responds with self-hate. I struggled to hear him saying " I hate myself " in front of the kids. He goes to see a psychologist but I'm not sure it helps. What can I do? I am worried he'll do something stupid .

_BETI Lonely
  • replies: 3

Hi there.I've recently had a teen diagnosed with depression. I had stated chatting to a wonderful counsellor but she is on leave into next year. At the moment I'm really struggling with my partner's family who hardly check in to see how our child is ... View more

Hi there.I've recently had a teen diagnosed with depression. I had stated chatting to a wonderful counsellor but she is on leave into next year. At the moment I'm really struggling with my partner's family who hardly check in to see how our child is doing. It has left me feeling quite alone. My own family live overseas and my mum has been a great help. To be honest I'm dreading Christmas as I feel I may say something I regret over the turkey! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Trans22 Suggestions for a Mental Health First Aider
  • replies: 2

I am looking for suggestions on how to deal with a situation where you get a message like "I can't take it anymore. Thanks for your help. Goodbye." I am not blaming myself in any way, because they didn't give me time to provide real help (I am a cert... View more

I am looking for suggestions on how to deal with a situation where you get a message like "I can't take it anymore. Thanks for your help. Goodbye." I am not blaming myself in any way, because they didn't give me time to provide real help (I am a certified Mental Health First Aider).

Concerned_Mum How do I help depressed 17 year-old daughter?
  • replies: 3

Hello,My 17-year-old daughter has just finished year 12. Right now she should be off celebrating but she doesn't want to leave her room. She and 4 of her friends (2 of whom she is particularly close to & are very supportive) booked accommodation for ... View more

Hello,My 17-year-old daughter has just finished year 12. Right now she should be off celebrating but she doesn't want to leave her room. She and 4 of her friends (2 of whom she is particularly close to & are very supportive) booked accommodation for four nights away at the coast. They were just going to have a low key, fun time (with no alcohol) but my daughter now doesn't want to participate. She says she has social anxiety (including not wanting to eat in front of people - which her friends are aware of), generalised anxiety and depression. Going through 260 days of lockdown in Victoria in 2021/ 2020 really had a bad affect on her mental state. She refuses to see a psychologist or a GP.In the past, I've given her library books on how to cope with anxiety and depression (which went unread) and web articles on self-help, as well as messaging her with links to mindfulness apps. I empathise with everything she is going through as I had almost the same struggles as her as a teenager (although didn't have the fear of eating in front of other people). I used to push myself out of my comfort zone though (which she is often not prepared to do). I tell her all the time that I love her (and write cards to that effect, as well) and pick roses for her which I place in a vase on her desk. Quite often my daughter doesn't let me hug her. Sometimes she won't even make eye contact. This time last year she was self harming (making cuts on her thigh) and I'm worried she's going to start that up again. My daughter's depression and anxiety seems to be triggering my own latent depression and anxiety. I'm crying while I type this.I know there's no magic wand one can wave (I wish there was) but does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to help her?Thanks.