Is this depression? What do I do with myself while it's going on?

colour_1234 · ‎08-01-2023

I think my husband has suffered from some form of depression on and off for many years (we've been together over 20). I'm not sure because he disagrees and won't seek help. He thinks that he can't have depression because there's nothing wrong with his life, he has a family, decent job, house and reasonable health so can't have depression right?
We have lots of time where everything seems fine and we make plans and rub along well. We love each other. But then he has phases of feeling like the whole world is against him/everything is going wrong and nothing he does is right. Sometimes I can see the basis of how he's feeling but he seems to take it harder than others might (which he considers a fault in himself).
Then sometimes there might be a bit of a build-up and something will trigger what I think of as an 'attack' of depression. We might have an argument or I do something insensitive and it upsets him. When this happens he will kind of shutdown, stay in his room or study, not speak much and refuse to speak at all if it's me that has upset him. He won't eat or drink and does nothing. When we talk about it afterwards he describes a feeling so dark and bleak it is scary -- that there is no point in life, he has nothing to hope for, he is worthless and we are all going to die in the end anyway. It is so awful and I feel so sad for him and worried. It sounds like he has thoughts like this a lot, even when I think he is fine and is just masking it the rest of the time. Although he does make plans and seem to enjoy my company when he is not in the midst of an "attack" so I guess it is less bad at these times?
I really struggle with what to do with myself during these periods. I usually try to pop in and out a few times, apologising profusely if I've upset him or just reminding him that I love him if it's something else. From what I read maybe I shouldn't do this but I really struggle during this time and sometimes feel quite uncontrollably desperate to do something to help. It's really hard. I'm a talker so I just talk at him sometimes hoping to break through. Eventually he will usually melt and open up and talk. I'm not sure what would happen if I just left him to it, I've never been able to completely just leave him alone for more than say 12 hours.

Trans22 · ‎09-01-2023

It's great that you've reached out here - never forget that seeking professional help is the best option. It sounds like your husband's mental health condition is poor or needing improvement. Given how close your relationship to him is, it may be hard for you to engage in a mental health first aid conversation with him. You should keep trying to engage him in conversation - try to maintain focus on the positives (your apologies may not be seen as positive by him). His mood may prevent him from understanding the root cause(s) of his problems. Getting things off his chest will help but recovery won't be quick and/or easy - I say this from personal experience. Recovery almost always starts with self acceptance - admitting that he has a problem. Encouraging him to open up, anonymously, in Beyond Blue might be a good thing. There are of course other organizations who provide help in such situations as your husband is in.

geoff · ‎09-01-2023

Hello colour, anybody can have a good life but that doesn't mean they are happy with it and if he tends to shut down could be an indication that he is suffering from some type of depression, especially when he feels 'bleak and dark'.

Firstly in these conditions you need to look after yourself, because the stronger you can be from this help, the better you will be to handle this, so book a visit to see your doctor.

Even though you say you are a talker, sometimes this doesn't suit someone who is depressed and ask the counsellor what else you can do in this situation.

Remember your doctor can offer a 'mental health plan' which entitles you to 20 Medicare paid sessions per year and the same can apply with your husband.

I know it must be awful for you, as it is with your husband who could easily be hidding how he feels, although occasionally he shows it by being in a room by himself.

Can you tempt him to go with you to the doctors just for a 'checkup', but not indicating for his depression.

Geoff.

Life Member.

colour_1234 · ‎16-01-2023

Thank you Geoff, I appreciate your encouragement. We are aware of the mental health care plan options as we've used that for our son who has ADHD and ASD. I've just never felt justified to use them myself, I feel like I don't need to complain as I'm OK most of the time. But as I get older I'm starting to think it might be helpful. It's just kind of hard... embarrassing maybe... to take that first step.

Hubby does see a doctor somewhat regularly for another condition so I do hope that maybe one day he'll have that conversation.

colour_1234 · ‎16-01-2023

Thank you for your encouragement. We have come a long way in that he wouldn't even talk to me in years gone by. I will hang in there and hope that one day he will feel able to talk to someone who can help me than I can.