Aftermath of suicide attempt/self harm

[Puglett]

Hello,

I am hoping to hear from those who have any experience or idea of what it is like to have a close person seriously harm themselves or attempt suicide.

Three weeks ago my behaviour landed me in the ICU, it was the second time I had hurt myself and this time it seems like those around me are still not okay from what has happened. The first time, my friends visited me in hospital and were still smiling, now they need space and time to process. I am starting to think this has been easier on me than it has for them. I'm also wondering if there is anything I can do to help them? I am already pretty open and honest about my mental health, but am wondering what else I can do?

Thank you,

[tmas]

I hope you're getting the help you need in this time - and that your friends and family have support too. I've had experience on both sides of this situation, thankfully I've been out of that place for a few years now - high school and the year or so after, mostly.

When I was the friend in this situation, they often lost sight of my wellbeing. I became collateral, lost sleep and sacrificed my own health, wellbeing, and education in order to prioritise their safety. It hurt that my efforts weren't always enough, that I was helpless, and difficult to face that I had almost lost someone I loved. Anyone who cares for you is hurting for and with you - don't let them feel undervalued. When I was the friend of a person harming, all I wanted was their safety and wellness, but it would have helped if they'd made genuine effort with the resources they had rather than relying on me, or taken some responsibility for the harm done when they were finally in a place to. I would help them again in a heartbeat, but I was vulnerable as well. Please engage fully (to the best of your ability) with treatment, if not for yourself, then for the people who love you.

I have also been on the other side. I still lived with my family at the time so I had to make concessions. When I had done something to harm myself, I had to concede some rights to privacy for my own safety. I hated it at the time, perhaps it made my mood and anxiety worse in the short term, but in the long term it was the only thing that made sense. It meant no closed doors, confiscated items, checking of wounds and disclosure of any harm done until they could trust me. I had to attend appointments and do the ER/inpatient things, show that I was at least doing the bare minimum until I was capable of more. It was hellish and the cycle repeated several times until I deserved their trust, but I can never deny the suffering they endured parallel to mine. 

We aren't always in control of the harm we do, but it must be acknowledged. The question of who had it easier is a little redundant in my opinion. All you can do is try to improve and not take them for granted - I don't know how old you are, I might even be younger than you, but very few people are really equipped for this kind of situation. If they need space, don't deny it. But most of all you need to heal yourself. Please stay well x

[Croix]

Dear Puglett~

No, I guess for those close to you it is not alright, and even though you may think  they should not worry and go back to being how they were I'm sure they do not feel the same way

I've experienced both sides of the coin, suicide attempts and caring for someone who had suicidal thoughts

When you care there are some very big things

Wondering if the person will be there the  next time you try to contact them, or come home to them. Simple telling them it will be OK does not work, the fear is real

The other is feeling frustrated and not knowing what to do - and probably guilty as a result. Under those circumstances it is human nature to avoid the matter. Many people still think talking about suicide makes matters worse (in fact the opposite is true), so once the initial visit is over, with  'encouraging' - smiles, there can often be a long silence

They may panic if you are being frank, and wonder if they should call 000, and if that would be some sort of betrayal

If people felt they had more input into the situation, do something that genuinely lessens the chance you will self harm or try to take your life again I'm sure they would want to do it

Many do not realise simple listening and caring and not judging without trying to offer simple solutions (which are way off and annoying) is a good thing to do -so tell them

Another thing, perhaps with a partner or best friend is to include their input into a safety plan. I use BeyondNow, which is free on a smartphone and easy to reach for when things become overwhelming

Apart from the normal material it has a space for 'things I can do myself'. As far as I'm concerned this is the real strength of this app

Here you put in a list of things that have made you feel better in the past, maybe distracted you or given you some comfort or enjoyment - a laugh even. As my brain has no capacity to make choices when overwhelmed the list needs to be very exact -a particular song by a particular singer - a particular book, movie, cafe to visit, person to talk with , path to walk a pet - and tons more

See part 2 below

[Croix]

Part 2

The difficulty for me remembering what these things were. the input of someone who knows you well and can remember for you is pure gold. You end up with a good list, and the person feels they are contributing to your welfare

Croix