Husband with Borderline Personality Disorder, struggling to cope with it anymore

[thatgirl]

I have been with him six years. I feel like I can't keep my head above water anymore. He refuses to get treatment, try counselling, or try at all.

I can't keep doing this, but I'm trapped in his web. He's like a 40 year old child, and I'm afraid what will happen if I leave. Will he hurt himself? Will I feel guilty for the rest of my life? Every time I feel like I have the strength to go, he pulls me back in.

I don't love him the way that I'm supposed to anymore. I feel like I am responsible for him twenty four hours a day seven days a week. I can't even leave the house for one day without preparing all of his meals for him first. When we go out in public, I have to be on constant watch to make sure someone doesn't do something to set him off. Something as simple as walking in front of him at the grocery store.I let him gamble all of his money and use my paycheck to support us because it's just easier than fighting with him. I'm so exhausted, I don't have it in me to fight. I'm on autopilot, I can barely function. I do everything he wants or asks even if I hate him for it, simply because it's easier than dealing with his outbursts and the aftermath for three days.

I am crushing under the weight of this, and lately, I have actually found myself just fantasizing about what it would be like if I died and was finally free of this burden. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I do think about it, and that's the problem. I think about doing it just to escape, so I don't have to live with the guilt, or the extreme psychological warfare that will ensue.

I don't know how to make this better. Every day that passes I actually hate myself more for not being able to make a decision. I hate him too, and I know that sounds bad, but sometimes I really, actually hate him. He has completely destroyed me, but I feel sorry for him. I know it's not completely his fault. I put myself in this situation, so I'm just as much if not more to blame. 

The crazy thing is, I grew up with a mom with BPD, and lived through hell for fifteen years. And when I finally escaped, I got a breath of fresh air, and put myself right back in the situation with him. Only now it's worse. Because I gave up my entire life to move to this country to be with him, and I'm stuck. I'm isolated and alone here, and I can't talk to my family or friends out of embarrassment. 

Has anyone else been through this with a BPD? What did you do? How do you make that final decision? How do you separate yourself? 

[Neil_1]

Dear thatgirl (or tg)

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and sharing your post.

I’m sorry that I’m going to be a bit blunt and forward here – but tg for you to have lasted this long is simply amazing.  I cannot see how you can continue in this life – I won’t call it a relationship because it simply doesn’t sound like one.  He sounds like a manipulative, somewhat lazy and also volatile person – I’m only saying this from the points you’ve raised.

When you say that times in the past you’ve felt almost strong enough to go, he’s pulled you back in – is that along the lines of him manipulating you to stay and things like, “I won’t be able to survive without you” or “Please don’t go as I’ll do something bad if you leave”.   Is that the guilt trip he’s trying on you – the old emotional blackmail card.

Tg, with this positive step you’ve taken to come to this site and unload, I believe that’s the first step you’ve taken to creating your new life.  I hope by you posting this and unloading it’s given you the opportunity to really analyse this whole situation and it’s painted in black and white for you and is much clearer about what you hopefully need to do.   And that is to make a break from this.     But hells bells, it’s very easy for me to say this – you’re the one living this.

If you were to decide on this, do you feel you’ve got somewhere that you could go too?   Do you think you’d be safe (from him) if you did leave?

The one thing that I don’t think that you should feel about this is being afraid of what might happen to him or to feel guilty (again, so much easier for me to say), but as I’ve mentioned to another person only today – I believe you only get one crack at this life and to live it the way you’re going, I feel is just so unfair for you.  It’s time to look out for Number One and that is you.

Again I’ll say I hope I haven’t over-stepped the mark;   I’m sure there’ll be other posters come on board here;   and I do hope you can come back here and reply again.

Kind regards

Neil

[Cosme]

Hi there thatgirl

I was in a similar place as you.  My ex-husband was a gambler, smoker, drinker, and abuser of prescription drugs.  We fought all the time, I hated what our relationship had turned into.  It wasn't the same.  I knew I had to get out of it in order to save myself.  I was very fearful of what would happen if I even mentioned the idea of separating.  What made things worse was that no one in my family or circle of friends knew it was so bad.  If I tried to ask for help, everyone would tell me I should go for counseling or try to work it out.  Everyone loved my husband, they didn't know him like I did.  No one would believe me if I told them how he really was, they would think I was exaggerating.

I knew that if it was going to end, I would have to be the one to leave (we both owned the house).  And if I did that, there would be no way that he would let me back in the house to get any of my things.  So, I went and rented a small storage unit, paid cash and over the course of the next year I slowly moved things into it that were personal to me, such as photo albums, my grandmothers jewelry, clothing that I loved, etc...  I would do it when he wasn't home, he had no idea.  One day he noticed something was missing, I forget what it was, and I just acted perplexed as if I didn't know what happened to it.  Soon I was satisfied that all my possessions were safe from harm.  And I waited, I just waited until I had the nerve.  And it happened.  We had a fight, I told him I wanted out of this relationship, he agreed (at the top of his lungs), told me not to let the door kick me in the as*, and I went to my parents house and told them I didn't want to go back.  They were shocked, everyone was shocked.  It's a longer story but I'll spare you.  The point is I made the small decision to leave and then I warmed into it over time.  I think getting my possessions out of the house first is what helped me to make the jump.  Afterwards was also a nightmare, he was difficult to deal with, would not agree to anything in the martial settlement, he tried to fake his own death, I could write a book...  I was severely depressed through all of it, I cried all the time, then I started feeling guilty, I went through a plethora of emotions, but through it all deep down inside I knew it was the right thing to do.

I hope some of this is helpful to you.  Follow your intuition but don't let emotions get in the way.  Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Atlas_Dad]

Dear Thatgirl,

I am genuinely sorry to hear your experience, though it sounds very similar to my own; however, my wife has the BPD. I reached out on Sane & someone said the same to me as I am going to do for you - try this book:

Stop caretaking the Narcissist/BPD & start living, how to end the drama, by Margalis Fjelstad. This book saved my life. A well-balanced, easy to read book with real examples & right amount of sass. Whilst never condoning the behaviour of the BPD, it helped me bring my power back to me; I can't leave her, we have 2 beautiful innocent young children that I must protect, but her behaviour will never send me back to that dark place we know all too well. It is somewhat reassuring that our experiences are not uncommon, and their behaviour is kind of predictable, so much so, there are lots of books.

I'd like to say therapy helps, but let's be real: you cannot make a horse drink. So forget that, shift your focus back to yourself: your integrity is not in question, you are not to blame.

1st rule of BPD: Don't talk about BPD.

2nd rule of BPD: Don't talk about BPD!

Just do it: stop buying into the drama.

Easy said I know, but like any skill, it needs time & practice to master, & I have by no means mastered it yet, but I have a pathway forward, which is something I did not have before.

Get your own copy of the book & pack some highlighters - you'll want them.

Whatever happens, you have the power over you, & you can get through it.

Best wishes, kind regards,

Atlas_Dad

[AnotherRandomUser]

I hope you dont mind me responding but I have BPD and I just want to say how he is treating you is absolutely not okay whether he has it or not.
If anything it sounds like he's using his BPD to excuse his abusive behaviour.

While BPD can make emotions very difficult to cope with, it doesn't mean someone with BPD has a right to take those emotions out on other people.
Put it this way, your under a lot of stress right now but your not taking it out on others, so why should he be allowed to when he's feeling overwhelmed? He shouldn't.

He has a choice to get help for his BPD and change his ways, and if he doesn't then people being upset with him for how he acts is entirely justified. You have a right to feel upset and angry too. He should not be allowed to treat you that way, and if he doesn't get help, then you have every right to put yourself first and walk away.
And even if he does hurt himself if you left, he's an adult, he can still get help. You shouldn't be forced to be his punching bag because he won't take responsibility for himself.

Still I know standing up to this kind of thing is hard. When someone you care about treats you this way it can be heartbreaking and confusing. But you deserve kindness and compassion, not bullying. So I really wish you the best, because your emotions are just as important as his, and from the sounds of it, youve been putting yourself second for far too long. You deserve to take care of yourself.