Am I a bad friend

[D_D]

My closest friend has just blocked me.
Friends for 19 years. Every time she’d run away from partners she'd come to my house. She's always starting a new job or leaving one. She is in a different country every other week. She doesn't talk to her mum (who I am very close with). She has such a dramatic life. Always running from people. Always smashing windows of partners and scratching up cars. 
She has come to live with my husband and I more times that I can count. She comes for 3 months at a time and then is off again with someone new in a new country.
Fast forward to this week. She messaged me saying she tried to end her life whilst on vacation. (Not the first time this has happened). 
Ofcourse i was in total shock again. Tried to call her. She would only talk via text. We spoke about why she had done it and she said she was drunk. She was seeking help and making some decisions. 
 
I tried to arrange to go see her but she was tired. We said tomorrow (Wednesday) we'd go out for sushi at our usual place.
Unfortunately my son had bad conjunctivitis and I was told to not take him outdoors due to the drops in his eyes. I got so caught up in trying to see her that I had forgot about his eyes. I messaged and told her and asked if she would come here for lunch instead. She didn't want too. That's fine. I said I would come to hers when my husband got home and could mind my son. She said ok but then messaged to say she was going to speak with a specialist and couldn't meet.
Thuraday was my birthday and we have a kitchen being renovated on Friday so I had to run around picking up the benchtop and sink. I asked if she wanted to come with me. She said no. by the time I got home she was in another appointment.
Friday i had the kitchen work done and to be honest - I didn't even think of her.
She sends me a text Friday afternoon stating she was cutting ties with me as I had not come seen her when she needed me. 

I tried to reply but she blocked me.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

I'm saddened to hear about this as I've had family and the odd friend do the same. Ask yourself "do I want such turmoil in my life"? 

I heard many years ago from someone famous "I treat my friends and family as fluid, they will come and go." However there are circumstances when you should protect yourself from others, commonly from those that 1/ put you and your loved ones at risk of harm 2/ that damage your relationships by manipulation etc 3/ that have unreasonable expectations 4/ that use emotional blackmail 5/ rely on financial assistance  and so on

You'll go through a grieving stage. Time will heal. During the short term consider if you prefer to leave ties cut, if so then also block your ex friend and move forward in life in safety and happiness. 

TonyWK 

[sbella02]

D_D,

Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your story with us, we're grateful to have you here on the forums. Your pain is evident in your words. This sounds like somebody who has meant a lot to you for so long, and you are understandably upset by their sudden disappearance from your life. 

I was also blocked recently by somebody who used to be quite close with me, but we had a disagreement prior to this, so it was shocking but not completely unexpected. White Knight has essentially taken the words straight out of my mouth here, that if you decide to let this person go, there will be a grieving process before you can heal from the pain. Make sure that during this process, you're making time for yourself and the people who love, support, and lift you up.

You may not be ready to let this person go, and that's okay. It's difficult when somebody blocks us, because we crave closure, and it can be confusing for us to feel like we've been unfairly treated or disregarded. One thing that helped me after my former friend blocked me was writing a letter of what I would like to say to her. Not one that I ever intended to send, or to even be seen by anyone other than myself. It can help with the expression of your own emotions. 

As much as it's important to be there for your friends, it's also important to be protecting your own energy and mental health. Your friend has made her position clear, as painful as it may be. We may never understand why people do what they do, but my advice would be to take this opportunity to grow, learn, and heal. As White Knight has quoted, there is a certain fluidity about particular friendships, as hard as it can be to accept. Sometimes it is for the better.

I hope a part of this can resonate with you. Please feel free to chat some more, we're here to support you. I'm so sorry that this has been happening to you, the ending of a friendship can be just as horrific as - if not more horrific than - a relationship breakup, in my opinion. Grieving may not be easy, but it is important to allow yourself to grieve in whatever way your mind and body need.

Take care and I wish you the best, SB

[D_D]

Thank you for your kind words. I feel super h a weight off my shoulders to hear someone say that I don’t have to carry her. I feel I have done so much for her and unfortunately she needs to be responsible for herself. 
thank you for taking the time to read and reply.

[D_D]

Thank you so much for your reply. 
You are spot on that being blocked by her has upset me most because I can’t reply to her text stating I am a bad friend becaus i didn’t go see her. But I did try.
And I so badly crave closure, because I do feel unfairly treated.
I some your suggestion to write her a letter. To list all the times I had saved her over our 20 years of friendship. All the times I’ve dropped everything to be there for her. And not once have I ever called her for help. It was entirely a one way friendship. And I don’t feel bad for putting my son first. It is my first child and he is unwell. He is my priority. 

I let my husband read it. And then I ripped the letter up. I felt like I got the release  I needed. 

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I truly appreciate it. I was so hurt and feeling down on myself that I didn’t think it could be a positive thing she has decided to cut ties with me. As much as it hurts, she is no longer my burden. 

[trybehappy]

Hello, I took have gone through a similar experience. Having a best friend who’s life was always drama. I was always there to support and help, until one day they just went too far and broke up with a person I’d introduced them to. The nicest person you’d even meet but they too weren’t good enough and they found fault. Finally I realized that this was a toxic relationship and I was just there for them to dump on. My best friend stopped all contact when I spoke up against their decision and I was devastated, I thought I could be honest with them after 20 years. Sitting back now after going though the pain of loosing my only ever best friend, I realize that it wasn’t a healthy relationship it was very one sided.  X

[MegMc_D]

Hi. I am sorry you've lost a treasured friend. This is a relationship break-up, and it will hurt, just as a breakup of a romantic relationship.  It may help a little, to acknowledge it as a relationship breakup.  Giving yourself permission to be hurt, angry, sad...all those usual emotions we feel with other relationship break ups. Nurture yourself. 

[sbella02]

D_D, I'm welling up reading your sweet reply. You're right. Never feel guilty for prioritising your family.

I'm so happy to hear that letter-writing was relieving for you. I truly do wish you all the best, and of course, we're always here if you feel you need to reach out again. 

SB