Cancelled my weekend trip at last minute when bf broke down and cried. Was this the "right" choice?

[Violet12]

Basically I'd planned to go away this weekend to visit my family. My bf has had depression for a few years, with bad episodes lasting a few weeks or even months, and then good periods of about the same length. For the past 2 weeks or so I've noticed him declining. In the past 2 days leading up to my trip I've asked him if he's ok with me going away and he said he was, that it'd be good for me, and that he'd miss me but he'd be fine. Well this morning I was getting my stuff together to leave, and I could tell it was not a good day for him - he was in bed with a pillow over his face, responding in mumbles and quiet grunts to any conversation. I finally ordered an uber and sat on the bed to say goodbye, and he broke down and started to cry. He said he was sorry to say it but he was surprised and a bit hurt that I'd still leave when he's at such a low and vulnerable point. He immediately then said he didn't want to be a burden and that I should still go, but he was still crying. So.. I cancelled the uber that was right outside, told my family the truth about why I couldn't come after all, and then hugged my bf. He cried for a while, said he was sorry and embarrassed, and eventually fell back asleep.

My family took it mostly ok - one of them was very understanding, one was disappointed and felt sorry and worried for me, and one said I was enabling my bf but staying. I don't know - it felt like the right choice in the moment, I mean he was sobbing and I haven't seen him cry since his last bad episode. Of course I wish I could go, I miss my family, and I hate that I've disappointed them and possibly ruined their weekend. But I also feel I should be kind to myself here and recognise that it's a difficult situation I didn't ask for and am handling as best I can without a guidebook. I have only cancelled a trip or work for him a few times since we've been together and we've been together 10 years, so it's not a frequent thing. But when he's this low, I just don't know if it would be right to leave.

Any thoughts? Do you think I definitely should have gone? Would you have? 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Violet,

If your heart told you to cancel your trip and stay with your bf….then I think that was the right thing to do…You’ve been with your b/f for 10 now and I think you would know if he was manipulating you (in a way) to stop you from going on a weekend holiday…

It’s hard to know what the right decision is at times…the only thing you can do is you’re best and your doing that, maybe you could arrange another weekend away with your family when you’re bf is feeling more light in his life, would it be possible to have a friend of his to stay with him for your next planned family visit, so he doesn’t feel so alone?..

Does your bf have professional mental health people helping him through his hard times, if not do you think he would be open to reaching out to his Dr. to get some professional help from a mental health care plan….

It’s  really very hard for people to understand depression unless they’ve been through it or cared for a loved one struggling with depression….I do hope your family are supportive and understanding towards your feelings…

Please, take good care of you as well dear sweet Violet…

My kindest thoughts Dear Violet with my care..

Grandy..

[geoff]

Hello Violet12, it's hard for us to make a decision, but if you have been together for 10 years then perhaps some of these issues may be should have been discussed with a therapist, because you have to remember that by him doing this restricts you from doing what you want to do and then affecting your own mental health.

Perhaps if you went, then you could have told him that you are always there for him to ring you and keep in contact, that's what my ex said to me when she took the boys and herself away for the day.

You can not be responsible for his actions and these concerns needed to be spoken to with a counsellor, otherwise nothing will be achieved and you won't be able to see your family.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Violet12]

Thank you for your kind words Grandy. Unfortunately my family hasn't taken it super well. They've each told me I should have gone anyway, told me it'd be better for me and partner, and now being a bit quiet and cold towards me. I'm pretty devastated about their response as it definitely feels like a lack of trust and support. I know that their feelings might have been hurt, and I know they also want what's best for me, but I also just wish they'd consider that it was a really hard call for me to make and that I'm dealing with a lot, and just been more supportive I suppose.

[D_D]

My first thought was no, you should have gone. 
But after reading it all, and really putting myself in your scenario. I think you made the right choice. If it doesn’t happen often. And he needed you but couldn’t voice it. You seen it and made the decision yourself. 
it’s what I would have done. 

but can I also say - I am your bf. Or I have been. I have gotten myself so worked up over the thought of him leaving for a trip and have cried and I just wanted him to hurry up and go so I could get over it. 
the second he’d leAve I’d cry, and then snap out of it. Having him lingering around asking me should he or should he not go made it worse. 

Ultimately you have to do what your happy doing. Because it’s you that has to live with you. Guilt of not doing what you felt was the right thing (weither it be for you or him) is far worse then doing what you think you should do or what you read online. 

if it is a frequent thing - then you need to put yourself first and he needs to get help. You can’t help him. 
If it is a one off hardly ever happens, then you support him at his lowest and stay.

But i am a much stronger person now becaus my now husband left me many times when I begged him to stay. It took a lot of weak moments to learn.