Depressed Partner wants space

[Pennywise]

I have been with my partner for 8 yrs now and he's had depression and anxiety before i even met him. He also has chronic lower back pain.

Hes been struggling the last two months, maybe longer as hes good at hiding it. Hes not a talker. I myself recently have been dealing with anxiety issues. But i am totally confused and frustrated. I try having long talks with him so i can get an idea of whats going on inside his head and every time i think we're on the same page he spirals back again. His MO lately is to shut everyone out by running away. By which i mean he'll stay at a friends house overnight. He said he needs space but im worried that hes shut me out. He wont talk to a therapist as hes done that all his life and said it doesn't help him. His idea of helping himself (before he was in a relationship) was to pretty much lock himself in a room at his mums until he got better. I keep telling him he's not alone anymore and he doesnt have to deal with it himself but I dont feel anything i say is being heard.

Any advice?Fyi im seeing a psychologist.

[teook]

Hello Pennywise

I started reading this and just thought wow my partner is on here, he sounds so much like me and I'm beginning to think that a lot of us with long term depression are actors worthy of Oscars, we come adept at putting up this screen that shows every one around us that we are fine when inside we are dying.

My partner and I have the same problem she keeps trying to help and the more she tries the more I run away to the point where I have disappeared for a couple of days before coming back with my tail between my legs.

A lot of the time our discussions end up like this because like acting we seem to be great liars telling people what they want to hear when in fact we have no idea really why we are crashing and withdrawing.

You haven't given any rough age group, but from experience {late 40's) I was bought up to be strong, the provider and not show weakness so I hid it, didn't learn to talk about feelings or having a good cry, so I would bury it and when it got to much hide away so no one could see.

The strategy my partner uses (thinks I haven't worked it out lol) is to pull little bits at a time then give me a break before returning for more (tricky little bugger she is) this has worked for her, but I find the more she does it the easier it comes for me, I really don't have the patience for long chats about me and I tend to fade out after awhile so small doses are a lot easier to deal with than epic talks.

My hat is off to you though it really takes the patience of a Saint to put up with blokes like us

[Pennywise]

Hi Teook

Sorry i forgot to mention our ages. Im 27 and my partner just turned 30 last month.

Ill admit im not good at giving space as i worry constantly.Its my anxiety that makes it worse though cos my biggest fear is him leaving me.

Thankyou for responding as i laughed a little when i read ur last comment about putting up with "us blokes".

Problem is i don't know how to help him if he wants space cos if i dont check on him i feel as if he'll think i don't care.

All in all i want him to get better.

[geoff]

hi Pennywise, thanks for posting your comment
It must have been true love for the both of you to start up a relationship but it's always sad when one of you gets depression, because you try and talk to each other, but as he hides his feelings then it's going to be a problem to know exactly why he feels this way, because it's such strange illness, but certainly a powerful one.
What he may say is just his superficial problems either too frightened, scared or can't give you an answer to what you are trying to find out from him.
By locking himself in his room is a typical way for someone to try and cope with depression, but it won't be able to help him, only because he will go over all the negative thoughts that have been troubling him, but when he comes out it's best to let him start the conversation, because if you ask question after question he will only close up, but I understand your fear if he stays at a friends place, because 'out of sight out of mind' doesn't quiet work in this situation, it's worry.
It can be difficult if and when he talks to a psych, because he may not agree with what they say, and when this happens he will turn off and the session will be useless, so no relationship in terms of trusting the psych will happen.
It's not so much that he doesn't hear what you say, it's just that is unable to accept it, only because of his depression.
You are a lovely person for him and just because he doesn't respond back to you doesn't mean that deep down he doesn't love you, but for a depressed person to acknowledge and say they love you is not an easy task for him. Geoff. x

[Pennywise]

Hi Geoff.

I saw my therapist for the second time today and she explained a few of his behaviours so it really helped.

A great thing happened the other night though. I asked him to talk to one of his oldest friend​s. They've known each other since they were kids so they are really close but he hasnt talked to him because his friend was going through similar stress with his own relationship so he didnt want to burden him. However even though he was annoyed he talked to his mate.

So he took my advice which made me happy. I havent asked him how it went though cos i want to give him his space. But it seems to have helped i think. His body language doesnt seem so....dont know how to describe it but....drained or low.

I guess the main thing is hes seeing friends which is good and that im patient not only with him but myself as well.

[geoff]

dear Pennywise, that's great, a little bit at a time. Geoff. x

[Manda01]

Hi pennywise 

when I read this i almost felt like I was reading my own story. My partner recently spiralled into depression, when I exacerbated a situation by not initially trusting him. We resolved that issue, however, in doing so he told me he wasn’t sure how he felt about me any more. It broke my heart. I blamed myself. He told me the current situation had broken him. But when it came to telling me how he felt about me, all he could say was, he didn’t know. I’ve been trying to understand and educate myself now on depression and I realise that it’s probably not me or our relationship causing this and I’m trying to look for ways to support him. We don’t live together so I’ve been able to give him his own space and I’m scared that he’ll tell me it’s over. I also suffer with anxiety so trying not to blame myself. trying not to be scared is hard, but I know that I need to be there for him without being scared. he’s not very responsive to text right now but has let me know he’s okay. We had a couple of days where we didn’t see each other but we did text I saw him two days ago and now I’m questioning myself how much space to give him without making him feel like I don’t care and without encroaching on his space and pushing him away. Do I wait for him ask me to spend the night again or do I suggest it .. if I leave it too long will he convince himself he doesn’t love me anymore .. how do I ask him what he needs from me to support him without him pushing me away and saying he doesn’t need anything .. I’m as lost as you but all I know in my heart right now as hard as it is I need to treat my own anxiety if I’m going to be able to support him and not have it affect my own emotional and mental health. So I have done this and i have made him aware of the help I sought and that I’m taking action . Maybe he will follow . Maybe this will help me listen actively without panicking and trying to salvage things. I hope you and your partner stay strong .. thinking of you xxx