Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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TheMich Not sure about female 'best friend'
  • replies: 4

My male partner of 21 years has become 'best friends' with a female we have both been friends with for about 10 years. He assures me and also his mother that there is absolutely nothing more however I have 'broke into' and found 'love type quotes' on... View more

My male partner of 21 years has become 'best friends' with a female we have both been friends with for about 10 years. He assures me and also his mother that there is absolutely nothing more however I have 'broke into' and found 'love type quotes' on his phone that he sent to her, but says he is not in love with her. She is married and has told me she is not interested and does not want him. I just cant get over the fact that he considers her 'his best friend'. He told me if I cant accept that, then our relationship is finished. I am at the point that I think I want to put an end to our relationship and leave. Am I over reacting?

CelestialSeth How do I leave my codependent mother?
  • replies: 1

Hello, I’m 22, and currently I am living with my father who I do not speak to, my mother, my cat and myself in a small apartment. My living situation is not great, my mother has been stuck with my father for many years and has plans to move out. Howe... View more

Hello, I’m 22, and currently I am living with my father who I do not speak to, my mother, my cat and myself in a small apartment. My living situation is not great, my mother has been stuck with my father for many years and has plans to move out. However, my mother is heavily relying on the fact that because she is not eligible for public housing (low-income housing), she wishes for only me to put my name down on the lease because I am eligible for public housing. Many of my therapists have told me she is codependent and I agree, she is incredibly against/cynical about the idea I will move out because she believes I don’t want to be responsible for her. I don’t want my name on that lease however. My mother can be quite nasty when angry, when she does not get her way she does anything, she guilt trips etc. and I don’t want to have to be trapped in that home with her. I also, have plans to move out eventually and feel this is a way to stop me from doing that. However, I cannot say no to putting my name on that lease, she does not take no for an answer, and she will be incredibly angry. I am afraid of what she will do if I deny her her escape from my father, because I know she will be mean to me about it. My boyfriend tells me I should move into student housing, however I am afraid of the backlash I may get from that, I am afraid of what will happen and the anger I will receive from my mother seeing me as betraying her. So I am writing this in hopes someone will help me decide what is the safest option for me, what should I do if I am afraid of the anger I will receive? And which option is better?

M90941 Fiance left me, my fault, and she is my other half
  • replies: 3

My fiance of 10 months left me this week. Our story is unique & painful. My mental illness (recently diagnosed) caused this situation. – We met 7 years ago, based on a lie. That lie lasted around 1 year, when the truth eventually came out. It broke u... View more

My fiance of 10 months left me this week. Our story is unique & painful. My mental illness (recently diagnosed) caused this situation. – We met 7 years ago, based on a lie. That lie lasted around 1 year, when the truth eventually came out. It broke us, but we never separated. We pushed ahead and tried to move on. We never sought professional help (probably a mistake on both parts). That lie encompassed all she knew about me in those early days; we never cleared the air properly. – During arguments, I would get angry, call her names/insult her, saying things I did NOT mean. We both now realise this is part of my illness. In the past 12 months, whilst we still fought, it wasn't as bad. – I proposed to her 10 months ago, it was the best day of our lives, she said yes. – 7 Weeks ago she suggested I seek mental health; I did. This was the first time it was brought up/taken action. I've been diagnosed with OCTB + PD, one core symptom being that I lie when I'm anxious, stemming from trauma. The root causes are being identified, I have meds + therapy weekly now. I'm on a positive path to making a full recovery, I feel like I have solutions to my illness; the most in control I've ever felt. – We share a 2 year old dog, who we both love (our 'kid'). – She said she needs to work on herself, that she does not see us together anymore, but still wants to be friends. She said she still loves me, but to what extent I don't know. – She agreed to couples therapy with me in 3 days, but I have no idea how she will go or if she will stay committed. I'm 100% committed, I'll talk openly, I accept responsibility & I'm already on a positive path. She told me she thinks therapy wont work. – My birthday is this week (30) & she is still coming to my party (which she organised). Her birthday is in Sept (26). – We were supposed to get married in 2021. She already has her dress/shoes. We even have a deposit on the venue. – She likes my family, they have a good relationship. Not super close, but ‘good enough’. I love her. She is the love of my life. I never stopped loving her, even though I let her down. She moved out this week; I told her I will support her. She knows I love her and I'm sorry. I can't repeat that again. She said I've given her the best and worst memories of her life. I know I broke her trust. My therapist says that I have every chance to make a full recovery & be a totally different person. Is there a chance for us through therapy?

LovelyLinda Coping with resentment in a sexless marriage
  • replies: 5

How does one cope with the feelings of resentment when you are in a beautiful happy relationship with your partner/husband but they have lost their libido and are so busy with work. We had an exceptional sex life. And then it stopped. We are so in lo... View more

How does one cope with the feelings of resentment when you are in a beautiful happy relationship with your partner/husband but they have lost their libido and are so busy with work. We had an exceptional sex life. And then it stopped. We are so in love and always want to be together, we are not looking to change that (it’s a perfect relationship in all other aspects). He is very happy with me and our life together and doesn’t need sex. However it is like oxygen to me and essential to my soul and my sexual nature. It is so very hard to not make love to the man I love and adore. It’s so difficult for it not to be as important to someone else that I am connected to. We are in an open relationship, and I can seek a sensory connection with others (but out of respect to my partner I am not seeking sex with another man). I don’t want to be with anyone else, I only want to be with my wonderful man. How do I get over the resentment I feel that there is no effort on his part to connect with me? How to I get over the resentment of needing something so important to me and I am not able to get it? I’m a happy vibrant person and I do things that I enjoy, and don’t let things upset me, but I am struggling with feeling so disconnected without intimacy. Your thoughts and experiences please.

cleo1988 Afraid, anxious and shocked by his behaviour
  • replies: 11

Hello, I'll do my best to keep this brief. I ended a relationship with a man (34 Yo) about a month ago, we were together about 5 months - so not that long. I asked for space and said I didn't want to communicate for at least a month. He has been text... View more

Hello, I'll do my best to keep this brief. I ended a relationship with a man (34 Yo) about a month ago, we were together about 5 months - so not that long. I asked for space and said I didn't want to communicate for at least a month. He has been texting me which i've tried to ignore (i feel bad by ignoring his tests or anyones for that matter). I ended our relationship because I felt he was very draining - he has a history of drug addiction, ADHD and some other very intense traumatic experiences. I was tired and needed to put myself first. He's told me today in a message that he is moving to where i work, literally 500m down the road. I am so shocked and frightened by his behaviour in doing this. I am afraid that he will come to my work and look for my car etc. He used to say "if you leave me I'll find you" and I always felt this was a joke, but i'm frightened. And anxious. I know I'll be anxious when I am at work - and be on the lookout for him. I haven't replied and I don't know what to do. He constantly says he misses me, wants to see me and thinks of me all the time. I need help, I feel pretty isolated and I'd love a nice man and relationship, but this is shocking to me. I have lost hope -

Rhianna_n Pregnancy and emotionally abusive ex partner
  • replies: 9

Hi everyone, I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. The father is very excited and wants me to continue with the pregnancy. I appreciate and respect how he feels, and I’m very open to listening to his feelings. I’ve been having a diffic... View more

Hi everyone, I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. The father is very excited and wants me to continue with the pregnancy. I appreciate and respect how he feels, and I’m very open to listening to his feelings. I’ve been having a difficult time deciding whether or not I want to continue with the pregnancy. I love this baby and I feel very connected to it already, but I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I’ve also had an extremely difficult year. I lost my job back in March, and my ex lost his a week ago. A few other major life changes apart from the pregnancy have happened also. I raised the possibility of terminating the pregnancy but he wouldn’t have it. He basically told me that if I go through with it he’ll resent me, and that it’s not even an option for us. Today I was supposed to meet with a doctor and social worker at the abortion clinic to discuss our circumstance and he refused to pick me up. My car is currently getting serviced and we planned for us to go together and have him pick me up a week ago. I don’t have much to do with my family and I’m struggling beyond belief. I already feel guilty about considering abortion, but I’m trying to do what’s best for the baby. He refuses to speak to me and makes me feel like dirt when I discuss the situation. I’m not for or against abortion, but I believe in our circumstance it should at least be discussed properly. If anyone has any insight or advice that would be much appreciated, because I have no idea how to deal with him anymore. I’m organising to see a counsellor in the near future to discuss the issue and others I’ve been having, but for now I feel so lost and scared.

Clarksonxoxo Unsure on my relationship
  • replies: 5

Hi all, I’m new to this... & there’s a few things that I need advice for. Im with a guy who I’ve been with for almost a year & a half now. He has 2 kids & an ex wife Of 10 years. They are recently divorced. My partner is 15 years older than me (I am ... View more

Hi all, I’m new to this... & there’s a few things that I need advice for. Im with a guy who I’ve been with for almost a year & a half now. He has 2 kids & an ex wife Of 10 years. They are recently divorced. My partner is 15 years older than me (I am 25). I’ve never been with anyone who has had children and an ex wife before but I’m finding it extremely hard to cope with especially because he has to talk to his ex daily to get to his kids which I understand. I get very anxious that he talks to his ex because there has been times where he has spoken badly about me and calls her when we have arguments etc. I have found this out by going on his phone or his ex telling me what’s he’s been saying. This has caused me to be paranoid when he talks to her because I’m scared he will do it again! I have found out he has lied to me by denying it. I always fear that he will go back to her also because he has kids to her which makes it harder. He gets very angry at me when I ask him what hes saying to her, and always threatens to leave me because it agitates him but then the next day he’s nice again. I’m now on anti depressants because it getting to me now. Not only that I feel down most days because I’m scared of what he’s doing behind my back, I don’t feel good enough, he speaks down on me when we argue and looks at other woman. This makes me feel worthless. I’m a very loving person and very affectionate but he detaches himself from me and then somedays he makes me feel special but recently we have been arguing nearly everyday and I have been crying most days too. Im just so confused because I’ve never felt so in love with someone & at the start it felt so amazing but I feel like it’s going down hill now. I am from England and I have no one here to talk to & he is from NZ. I feel so stuck because sometimes I think I’m too young to be going through this and have sacrificed so much to be with this guy. I feel the need to go on his phone behind his back and check his messages etc and I don’t want to be like that. I want to be able to trust him but I just don’t know how and so scared of getting hurt. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you

XuanS Relationship affected by anxiety
  • replies: 1

Two months ago my boyfriend said he did not want to be in relationships with me more because he had a lot of issues. At that time I just knew he had some issues with his stomach quite serious. So I said i was ok to do as what he wanted but I will wai... View more

Two months ago my boyfriend said he did not want to be in relationships with me more because he had a lot of issues. At that time I just knew he had some issues with his stomach quite serious. So I said i was ok to do as what he wanted but I will wait for him until he sorted his issues out. Then last month he told me he have had anxiety and now it comes back and more serious that is why he did not want me to be in such hard time with him. After a talk we agreed to get back together because I said I wanted to be besides him to overcome this hard time. His anxiety seems getting worse as he has just had a talk to his psychiatrust but he does not feel helpful and he also doesn't want to use the current medicines but his doctor still decides not change it. So just today he tells me he wants us just be friends now because when he thinks about the relationship it makes him stress very much. I would like to have your opinion what I should do the best for him this time? I love him don't want to leave him in this situation when his anxiety is getting worse now. Thank you very much everyone, Xuan

something_missing something missing
  • replies: 10

hi everybody, havent been on here for ages.just want to say to everyone out there who is struggling that there is always support for you.and dont b afraid to ask for help. (dont even know if i am in the rite section) .our way of life has changed and ... View more

hi everybody, havent been on here for ages.just want to say to everyone out there who is struggling that there is always support for you.and dont b afraid to ask for help. (dont even know if i am in the rite section) .our way of life has changed and it is not going away any time soon.it has been good to hear about people that have changed there mind set and have discovered things like gardening ,growing ur own food ,taking up different interests,and discroving more about themselves. wat has happened since september last yr with the droughts then fire ,flood and now covid 19 noone could have predicted it would get to this stage. to everyone out there who has lost jobs and r struggling financally .and r worried about there future i feel for u,the retiries and the young people who had hopes and dreams.u can still have hopes and dreams ,they just may change a bit.remember to talk to people ,take up new interests, surf the net for new ideas,most of all keep ur family and friends close. i have just lost a family member (heart attack) and a lady friend of mine ( of 40 yrs) has just been diagnised with brain cancer. i dont get to see her much these days but hope to make the 5hr journey to see her soon.i feel as i havent been a every good friend over the latter yrs and idont know weather it is guilt or just sadness but i wake up crying about it.just not to sure if this is a natural thing, so keep everyone u love close, hope this helps a few people out there

DJ5 I love my partner but or relationship is ‘blah’
  • replies: 2

I have been with my partner for 4 years, I’m recently 21 and his 23 almost 24 (young I know). After an amazing start to our relationship things went south around the 3 year mark or so. We have been rekindling ever since, it’s very a very bumpy road. ... View more

I have been with my partner for 4 years, I’m recently 21 and his 23 almost 24 (young I know). After an amazing start to our relationship things went south around the 3 year mark or so. We have been rekindling ever since, it’s very a very bumpy road. He is amazing and try’s his best to help me through what ever mental state I’m in, as do I in return. We have lived together from very early stages (reasons not willing to share). Could this have effected our relationship to go to ‘old married couple state’ as people say? It feels as if we have hit a brick wall and are just at a stand still. I know he loves me very much but I just can’t help but feel blah about our relationship. Yes we have talked about it but nothing ever seems to come from it. Neither of us have ever cheated nor has anything really bad happened but sometimes I question his loyalty and feel as if he deserves better. Is this normal? In COVID times it makes it extremely difficult for us to do anything and to get out the house to do something that we enjoy. We now are back in stage 3 lockdown with fear of stage 4. I feel this could have put a strain on the relationship as well as both our mental health as we are both very adventurous people. Recently I’ve found it very hard to be attracted to him and get intimate. Which I know really hurts him, seeing him hurt really hurts me. We argue more often or just don’t speak at all. I don’t understand why I don’t enjoy being intimate or even around him sometimes anymore? I feel like it’s a choir rather then fun. I know that I love him but I can’t help but to question is this ever going to get better and will that spark come back?