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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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white knight Fortress of survival
  • replies: 23

Xmas tests us folk. Its a time every year that has the most stress, sadness due to family divide and the close of the year has us reviewing our relationships. Fear not for its actually a great opportunity. Only you can take control in the new year to... View more

Xmas tests us folk. Its a time every year that has the most stress, sadness due to family divide and the close of the year has us reviewing our relationships. Fear not for its actually a great opportunity. Only you can take control in the new year to ensure that Xmas next year will be a better one as will 2017 overall. We need to take control by making hard decisions. We are soft people that don't have the hardened mentality of others. We need to draw a line in the sand and build a wall to self preserve. Im into my 7th year of doing thus. Each year I fine tune my relationships. People know now that my dealings with them are conditional. They know if they are disloyal, manipulative, uncaring, demanding or inconsiderate...their time with me is limited or even terminal. The way they've seen how I've removed some from my life...even my mother. In fact my now 85yo mother is the best example. Likely with chronic BPD with heavy narcissistic and manipulative tendencies she ruined my first wedding, lied about her health and would not assist me with my mental health struggles as her issues were always more important and severe. The line was drawn. The wall was erected. The cost has been loss of relatives that she was able to convince of my wickedness. So be it. As I say to some "my mother has some good points...its the bad points I cannot live with" and "only a child of my mother knows what that is like". But most importantly, those that you keep around you also need care. Having a mental illness isn't a one way street, we need to, when able, reach out and show appreciation. I have a dear friend a single grandmother. She told me quietly she was depressed a few weeks ago. Since then I subtlety sent her a beyondblue link about depression and asked how she has been. Last night she had recovered and thanked me for my input. She knows of my struggles. It was a good feeling helping someone that has been there for me. Reach out to the right people but save up your bricks for that wall to hold back the intruders. Forgive them for they not know what they do. But don't feel guilty when you mortar in that last brick. Those types don't know how to treat you or help you. Let those birds of a feather flock together. Then next year you can learn to fly around with your own, because you've created a "safe mode" of your own life. You would have in effect taken action as important as some medical treatments You were decisive to ensure a happier survival... Tony WK

ReeCar123 Partner's hard time is affecting me
  • replies: 1

Hello All, My partner is currently finalising his financial separation from his ex-wife (nearly 2 years after the separation). He wants this all to be over and free but it emotionally stresses him. He also has a lot of stress at work. We are coming i... View more

Hello All, My partner is currently finalising his financial separation from his ex-wife (nearly 2 years after the separation). He wants this all to be over and free but it emotionally stresses him. He also has a lot of stress at work. We are coming into the "hot phase" where he needs to get the final paperwork, house vsluations etc. dond and submitted to the lawyers. I have noticed the last 1.5 to 2 weeks that he has an incressingly shorte fuse and he has noticed himself tha he has this anger that comes out at times and he doesn't like it. It's nothing violent, just really edgy. Also, he withdraws a bit and doesn't get in touch as much as he used to. I try my best to understand and give him space but after 2 years of constantly going through his emotional turmoil, I cannot help but get triggered sometimes. It makes me anxious and a little sad that I feel on the back seat again and also that there seems to be nothing I can do. I am not sure how to deal with this. I will see him tonight and I even asked him whether he thinks it's a good idea or whether he would prefer to self-soothe and be alone this weekend. He said no, that he is looking forward to it and that he needs a positive "distraction". He probably meant this nicely because sitting alone in his house brings all the negative feeling but the label of distraction does not sit well with me. He distracted himself with us when he first separated and then the grief and attachment issues got hold of him. We subsequently split and only rekindled because he was in a much better and aware space. I believe this is just the last big hump, but my experiences with him in the past make me hypervigilant now. I don't know how to best manage this situation. We have a long weekend trip planned next week and he is very much looking forward to it. But I also told him that tomorrow, I will leave his place early so he can dedicate enough time to get his things sorted. I told him that his situation affects me too and that I cannot live like this forever but that it needs to be done now. For his health as much as mine. Is there anything specific I should/could do to support him but also look after me. I tend to put my needs behind others', so I don't want to do that again. But I also want to be understanding because he probably does the best he is emotionally capable of right now. How can I meet his and my needs in this situation?

itsagamble Confused after breakup
  • replies: 11

I recently came out of a six-month relationship following a year or so of loneliness and depression after my marriage break-up. I met a wonderful lady in February this year and over time we became close and fell in love. She said I was the nicest per... View more

I recently came out of a six-month relationship following a year or so of loneliness and depression after my marriage break-up. I met a wonderful lady in February this year and over time we became close and fell in love. She said I was the nicest person etc she had been with and she loved me more than I could know. But she and I live about an hour and a half away from each other (which I don't think is a problem) and she had concerns about the future. We discussed this several times, and I made a commitment to her that I would in time move to be with her and work my custody arrangements around that. She seemed to be OK with this for a while and the relationship continued at the same intensity. We began telling loved ones about it etc only a few months ago, about 5 months into the relationship. My children and hers (2 each, similar ages under 6) are still struggling with our respective marriage splits (me nearly 2 years, her almost a year now - about 5 months when we met) and we had agreed not to say anything to them, which made seeing each other a casual type thing and I was dying to give her more, which she often said she wanted, but was too worried about telling her kids and ex. Anyway, long story short, after my most recent visit to her, now almost a month ago, she broke down in tears and said she couldn't do it anymore knowing that she could be the reason for me moving away from my kids and perhaps damaging them more. She has told me as early as yesterday that she does love me the way she said she did, but can't be with me (because of the above) and she's sorry for me and for her, and that I am amazing and wonderful etc. and I should move on and give that love to somebody else. I don't understand. I tried everything and always had the idea that if you loved somebody you try and do everything to be together. I'm really struggling now as to how I will find somebody remotely close to her and how I can move on from this and trust again to start a relationship. I also can't fathom how somebody could find the perfect person but give up.

LostAquarius Life is giving me two paths
  • replies: 1

Basic summary of my current position: - I'm 32 yo, daughter 9 yo, separated from her father when she was 10 mths, he passed away suddenly just under 2 yrs ago - Married my husband 7 yrs ago, after being together for 1 yr, & not having lived together ... View more

Basic summary of my current position: - I'm 32 yo, daughter 9 yo, separated from her father when she was 10 mths, he passed away suddenly just under 2 yrs ago - Married my husband 7 yrs ago, after being together for 1 yr, & not having lived together until after marriage - 4 mths after our wedding I discovered that my husband & my sister had been seeing each other behind my back, it was earth shattering and my sense of self, my confidence, my everything just disintegrated...but we stayed together, although now family gatherings exclude my husband - Things continued to get worse, he fits the description of a narcissist almost perfectly - About a year ago my husband moved to Melbourne to care for his grandparents and to work for his father with promises of making fast money & getting us out of debt and into a home (we've lived in a run down unit since getting married). Then COVID-19 hits and he has been stuck there. We haven't seen him since Boxing day last year. Early in the year he said he didn't want to come back because he thinks my daughter gets in the way of our relationship. I disagree with his parenting style and although I tried to work on the same page, I often felt the need to step in and protect my daughter (from emotional harm not physical) - Before I had my daughter, about 14 yrs ago, I happened to meet a guy & we fell madly in love, but at the time for whatever reason, I chose to be with someone else (my daughters father). Both of us, even though we've each been with different people have never fallen out of love. But we always push it away for various reasons at the time. We don't have regular contact, maybe a couple times a year we check in with a text. But we promised to always be there for each other when needed. My husband &I have been arguing so much over the phone. I feel scared of him and I feel like I don't love him anymore, I feel confused. We have great memories, but there is a lot of hurt there, he tracks my location & I get in trouble when I'm at the neighbors unit (a single mum with 4 kids) Recently the other man reached out to me for help, he knew I was the only one who would understand him. He made dinner for my daughter and I and hung out a bit, we loved it, it was fun, I felt alive. We spent some time alone recently to discuss our feelings. We still have that same amazing connection but we both agree that we cannot act upon this because I am married. - Try to repair my marriage? or - Give up my marriage for a fairytale? :'(

RJazz Scared that relationship is crumbling.
  • replies: 1

Here I am in bed alone and my fiancé has decided to sleep in the spare room. He has done this recently anyways citing that he has trouble sleeping and doesn’t want to disturb me. Recently I have been turning into bed before him and then I often wake ... View more

Here I am in bed alone and my fiancé has decided to sleep in the spare room. He has done this recently anyways citing that he has trouble sleeping and doesn’t want to disturb me. Recently I have been turning into bed before him and then I often wake up in the night realising that he has chosen to sleep in the spare room. The vibe between us just doesn’t feel “right” though he assures me that it is not because he doesn’t want to be in bed with me but rather doesn’t want to wake me when he comes into bed. Earlier this year we actually seperated (his decision) for a short while before he changed his mind. Prior to meeting my fiancé I was a single mum. My son is now 5 years old. The relationship between my sons dad and I ended poorly with me finding out that he was cheating on me and in the end he chose to be with the other person rather then me. Between that relationship ending and meeting my now fiancé I picked myself up and was really settled and set myself up with just my son and I. I feel like I am constantly anxious about where my current relationship is going. The thought of possible being a single mum and having to pick myself up and set myself up again frightens me. I know we have differences and we have spoken about it quite openly but I don’t know if we are able to overcome them anymore or more correctly, if he is wanting or willing to. He has said that he feels like he can’t be himself around me because of how I react to what he says or some of his views. This just makes me blame myself and I feel like maybe it’s too late for me to fix this. I am 40 soon and just feel so absolutely disillusioned with how my life has turned out. I’m just struggling and my thoughts and feeling and anxiety are just so heightened and I’m just struggling.

Mr K Separated, not by choice but now willing to move on.
  • replies: 2

Hi, Earlier this year I separated from my wife of 11 years, we have 2 kids 5 & 9 and have 50/50 care of the same. Although the separation wasn't my idea and something that at the time almost broke me I've rediscovered myself and in hindsight realised... View more

Hi, Earlier this year I separated from my wife of 11 years, we have 2 kids 5 & 9 and have 50/50 care of the same. Although the separation wasn't my idea and something that at the time almost broke me I've rediscovered myself and in hindsight realised just how restrictive/abusive my past relationship had been. What I want to know is, what is considered an appropriate timeframe to begin a new relationship? Are there any pitfalls to this I might not be aware of? What does society think? when and how do you introduce your kids/ family and or ex partner to your new partner? Are there any other implications? I want to be happy and share my life with somebody as well as the special and precious time I spend with my kiddos. After a unloving marriage of many years ended a new life began. Thoughts?

Ann776 Toxic sister
  • replies: 2

My sister the drama queen has struggled with her life since she was 17 , me 15 only the one sibling . she went off the rails young they tried to help her the best they could. She dabbled in drugs wrong crowd… bikie clubs .. dropped her to rehab she r... View more

My sister the drama queen has struggled with her life since she was 17 , me 15 only the one sibling . she went off the rails young they tried to help her the best they could. She dabbled in drugs wrong crowd… bikie clubs .. dropped her to rehab she ran off. She has always had problem Had her first baby when she was 19, the father was my dads age and then she met another guy who was a bike club member.. in/out of jail… got pregnant to him. I think they were both doing drugs at this time also. Domestic violence involved There is always a drama with her. You cant have a normal interaction as I believe she doesn’t want to. she always seems to be attracted to the bad/trouble. she is 47 now and we are still struggling with her… never had a job really, always losing her car licence for one reason or another so many times.. living in housing commission. Her daughter is 24 ( has been arrested twice for assault andhad drug issues despite being in navy).. I had my neicestay with me and my husband for about 6 months to try to help her… Her son who is 19 has been in jail for assault not first offence…(always whilst drunk). I have had him here on bail to try to help him. My parents.. my father likes to put his head in the sand and sort of pretend that she doesn’t have issues and always trying to save her, my mother cant handle her outbreaks. And me I ended up blocking her again as she was sending me messages every week that she cant take life anymore and shes going to end it all. (she has been threatening suicide since she was 20) She never contacts anyone to see how we are.. you will just get a random ranting and a thousand text messages at strange times. I do know that she still smokes drugs… I know she was taking another kind of illegal drug for a lot of years… I had tried to tell her many times not to send me those sorts of texts and to go see dr for antidepressants etc. but she wonthelp herself and keeps unloading onto me … Her rants will be.. *someone stole my car, someone broke in, ATM stole my money, Im ugly I cant stand aging, I cant live anymore I cantstand our mother etc… My neice has given birth to a son (to unknown father ) and didn’t know of pregnancy till 6 weeks before due and seems cycle repeating itself.. child protection has taken child as my neice was drink driving with baby in the car. Now my sister is raving on about her lose as a grandma… has anyone else had similar… She has never taken responsibility for her life or lack of and loves to play victim

Dejected_Liar Dejected Liar - Missing Family
  • replies: 43

Hi all, I'm new to this so I do apologise if I rabble on. My name is Con and I'm in trouble. Besides being an anxious person I'm a compulsive liar and I feel that I've ruined my marriage. I don't know why I do the things I do (I hate it) and I hate I... View more

Hi all, I'm new to this so I do apologise if I rabble on. My name is Con and I'm in trouble. Besides being an anxious person I'm a compulsive liar and I feel that I've ruined my marriage. I don't know why I do the things I do (I hate it) and I hate I cant be open to my wife of 13 years. I know I've burnt her trust on more than one occasion and it kills me inside seeing her like this. We agreed that my wife and my 2 young boys would go to Sydney to see her parents and get away from COVID lockdown in Melbourne but also to give my wife space from me. I don't want my boys to think that lying is the right thing to do but I don't know how to show them when I can't do it myself. I'm currently seeing a Psychologist every 2 weeks, I've given my wife access to everything I have, phone, bank accounts, email everything. She is going to be speaking with her parents about everything and I don't blame her but concerned that her parents are going to tell her to leave. Whilst I have no control over this I want to put in place measures to show her I'm serious about change, but am stuck how to. I've been told she loves me and wants to work through it but after speaking with her during the past 2 weeks I don't get that feeling. I love my family and miss them so much I want to fix me but I don't know how to or what to do to show my wife I'm serious about doing what is right.

38years I love him, but is it enough to stay married after his cheating?
  • replies: 16

Never EVER thought this would happen. We were the golden couple. Everyone has always remarked on our perfect marriage of 38 years! Our kids have put our relationship on a pedestal. We have the perfect family dynamic! He was my best friend, my soul ma... View more

Never EVER thought this would happen. We were the golden couple. Everyone has always remarked on our perfect marriage of 38 years! Our kids have put our relationship on a pedestal. We have the perfect family dynamic! He was my best friend, my soul mate. Childhood sweethearts...And then BAM! All this exploded two weeks ago when i found out he had been having a 9 month relationship with a co-worker. Needless to say, he broke down, he is distraught, ashamed, a broken man who has begged for forgiveness and....has threatened self harm. I have been on auto-pilot for the past two weeks, in survival mode making sure that he is ok - booked him into hospital (to ensure that he wouldnt go through with the self harm), have sent him to an air bnb to go and recoup, making sure that he checks in every two hours to tell me he is fine - all because i LOVE him dearly and could not imagine how devestating it would be for our family if he did do something to himself! As for me, I am empty. Empty of everything, especially emotions, which is the worst thing of all. I think i have spent so much focussing on seeing he is ok, that i have forgotten about myself. Bottom line, i dont know what to do. Quite honestly, I am petrified to start over at my age (early 50's), cant imagine being single (hell i was blissfully happy two weeks ago!) and unfortunately if things couldnt get any worse, I became a victim of Covid, having been retrenched a week ago! So...no jobs, no prospects for me to even have a choice in moving on. To make matters worse, the OW still works in the same department as he does, and although he says that he will move into a different section, away from her, to minimize contact, and swears blindly that it is over between the two of them, the fact of the matter is that she is still there. I have asked him to resign, but he says that he cannot, because he needs to be able to provide fo the family and it being Covid, he will never be able to get a job elsewhere, earning what he does.... So what do i do? Rational side says, we need the money, so he needs to stay in the job even with the OW being there. The emotional side of me says NO way! I am in a catch 22 either way! Please help...........

Eeyore11 Relationship Worries
  • replies: 2

Hey guys, My partner and I have been together about 3 years, we bought a house together (with my deposit) about 15 months ago. But about 3 months ago we both started having mental health issues and its really taken its toll on our relationship. I don... View more

Hey guys, My partner and I have been together about 3 years, we bought a house together (with my deposit) about 15 months ago. But about 3 months ago we both started having mental health issues and its really taken its toll on our relationship. I dont feel the same towards him, but he has never physically hurt me or anything, or ever would. When we started seeing each other we made it clear that we didn't want to be in a relationship, friends with benefits was perfect for us at the time. Things progressed from there and I eventually told him i loved him after about 12 months of sleeping together. We're currently on "a break" because i really don't know what i want out of my life right now. I am trying to better myself mentally, with medication and psychology appointments. I have become interested in another man however. I feel almost obsessed with him and can't stop thinking about him. My current partner and i both don't want kids or to get married (so I thought i didn't anyway) but after spending time with this other man, ive reconsidered things like kids and marriage. This whole situation is so hard to deal with. My thoughts of leaving my current partner are making me so stressed out. I cant help but feel guilty that im going to break his heart and he would have to move out. Theres no hard feelings between us and i would wait for him to find somewhere to live, I would never just kick him out. But what if leaving my current partner was the worst decision I've ever made? But what am I missing out on if I dont start something with this new guy. Im absolutely lost. Has anyone ever found themselves in a similar situation and have any guidance for me please? Would appreciate any advice. Thanks x