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Husband emotionally and physically withdrawn

Community Member

Hi all,

Hoping to get some advice.

I have been with my husband for 13 years and married for the last 4 years. The issue is he no longer feels like having sex with me. It's been so long. We have discussed having children and they have always been on the cards but we can't have children if we don't have sex.

He thinks maybe we can do IVF instead so we have kids without having sex? I just can't believe this. Not sure if an IVF clinic would even let two people who could possibly conceive naturally do IVF? Has anyone had this experience?

He has told me this year has been hell for him work wise. With covid, his work let a few people off and then his boss quit which led him to a promotion. He was under the pump and at one stage working 12 to 14 hour days for about 2 months. Things are a bit better work wise for him now as they have hire people. He has been doing 9 hour days which is still a lot.

Aside from work he does take a lot on. He likes to manage our finances (I'm hopeless at this stuff) and arrange re-financing of loans and what not. We had our rental place up on flatmates, but this year has been hell with trying to find tenants so lots of enquiries, showing people the place, which takes up our time. At the beginning of the year we had the place rented out but the flat mates didn't get along and we became the mediators. Now we have a real estate agent looking after it to take the pressure of us.

The thing is my husband says that I'm not very emotionally supportive and don't help that much with these things. I need some advice on how to be a more emotionally supportive wife. I asked him but he always says he doesn't want to talk about it. I feel if I can improve on myself and become a better wife, then things will improve between us. I try and hug him, kiss him but he tells me I'm smothering him.

He does a lot for me, but maybe I don't do enough for him. For example last weekend I got a flat tyre. I don't know how to change a wheel so I called him and he caught an Uber and changed it to the spare one. Then yesterday he went to a tyre place and organised for the tyre to be repaired. He is on annual leave now but I'm not as I wasn't allowed to have Christmas off, so I just didn't have time to do it.

Also I do work two jobs, an office job Mon to Fri and a retail job on Saturday. I do need to quit the Saturday job to free up more time.

Any advice on how to be a better wife 🙂

Thanks all and Happy New Year!!

1 Reply 1

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi, welcome

I think you should ceased focussing on yourself, there seems nothing wrong with you fulfilling your role as his wife. Furthermore it seems he is blaming you as a diversionary tactic. The real issue here is his lack of taking responsibility for his low or non existent sex drive.

Medication is available to assist men with this problem. All he has to do is visit a GP.

Finally, "smothering him" by kissing/hugging him? I'm sorry but he is not being very caring of your needs. That alone is cause for concern let alone a sexless marriage.

While at the GP a request for you both to see a relationship councillor would be beneficial.