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I keep talking about my ex

Zaee
Community Member
6 months ago I split from my ex. The relationship lasted 4 years. Engaged for a year.


I stopped loving her pretty much after I proposed. It felt off and not right and was unhealthy. Lots happened and i was in a bad state mentally and physically.

I finally snapped one day and ended things. Not only for me but for her. We were emotionally hurting each other and we were not compatiable.

I got myself on the right path had tonnes going for me. Feeling way better in life.

Then randomly I met someone. I wasnt looking but our chemistry was there. Everything was perfect, we started dating and have been together for about a month. But i keep talking about my ex. I dont purposely bring her up and I realised its too much and its weird. I also realised Im suffering from some issues where randomly something will trigger in my mind as a red flag and ill freak out. Even if i know the opposite. Like my girlfriend is pretty open with me and subconciously i find myself looking at her phone while im with her. While shes msging people whether it be friends, family, her Personal trainer etc. I dont even mean to do it. She noticed and said it feels weird and she would like some privacy. Which i have no issue giving and didnt realise I did that to her. And we are only talking about this now because last night i freaked out cause her wanting some privacy made me have a weird red flag moment as if she was trying to hide something. But i know she isnt. She just wants normal convos with friends without feeling like theres a set of eyes watching. And i realised subconciously i think the trust issues i had with my ex seeped in. And I dont want to be like that. I do trust her and have no issue with her having her own convos with people and idk why i was doing it. Like 90% of the time i wasnt even reading the msgs when i looked at her phone i just subconciously was staring at it etc.

I pushed a boundary as i know she likes her own private personal space and i didnt mean to. And she isnt sure if we are ready for a relationship cause she feels like she has done something wrong for wanting her own private time to talk to people, she feels like i have to see everything. Though i reasurred her she isnt in the wrong for that and that I dont want to see everything, nor am I worried or stressed to.

What do I do.. whats wrong with me?
5 Replies 5

romantic_thi3f
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Zaee,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out and being here - I'm really glad you decided to join us and talk about what's going on for you. I hope that you find being on the forums helpful.

I don't think anything is wrong with you at all!

I think what you're going through makes sense, and if you've had trust issues before it's natural it's going to spill over into your current relationship. Logic doesn't always work in our favour sometimes, and you might 'know' that your girlfriend is being loyal and has nothing to hide, but there's a part of you that doesn't fully 'know' yet. Not sure if that makes sense; I guess it's might be like it hasn't really sunk in.

Does this make sense to you? Is this something that you've talked about with her?

rt

We talked about this and she understands. But is there anything I can do to help prevent something like that happening again?

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi, welcome

Learning a person's boundaries takes time, I'd suggest 3-4 years.

Talking about your ex is not productive and indeed will harm a new relationship as she'll think you need more time to recover. Just because a topic triggers your thought about your ex, it doesn't mean you have to mention it, try keeping it to yourself.

Have fun, enjoy her. Accept that 6 months isn't a long time to allow memories to subside. But dating a new person is a positive move.

You'll be ok, life is too short to dwell.

Google

Beyondblue topic who cries over spilt milk?

TONYWK.

romantic_thi3f
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Zaee,

That's great to hear.

I think the biggest thing in managing trust issues is trying to have a little self-awareness; seeing if you can bring that to the surface- so what are the times you find yourself questioning things? What feels like a red flag to you? What reminds you of your ex?

Once you can start to identify some patterns or triggers, you can then look at all the evidence you have - as if you were in a courtroom - so that you can find more evidence to trust her than you can find evidence to doubt her. So long as you're respecting her boundaries, it's okay that it might take a little while to build up that trust again.

Hope this helps,

rt

Guest_3256
Community Member

Hi and welcome.

I feel like you and I are very similar in situations, for me a past one though, haha.
You my friend may be somewhat insecure or more so have your guard up and for really good reasons I must add.
Red flags: when your in a committed and healthy relationship, privacy is something that is too be shared with and really, if it's not a big deal, they she shouldn't be making you feel bad by telling you that she needs privacy. Not having a go at her, however, the reason why you are hear is because you are afraid of causing her difficulties. It's you relationship too so do not feel afraid to lay out your boundaries by clearly telling her that due to the way a past partner treated you, that you want to feel safe and secure in your relationship.

Your boundary moving forward would be to tell her why you feel that way but making sure that you insist that your boundary is to be open with an ability to share (not hide their mobile conversations - no matter what anyone says, you're not guilty unless you are defensive because you don't need to be hiding things).

Anyway, my point is that you have clear boundaries and don't feel that because of her response that it doesn't stop you from getting the most out of your relationship.