Physically and mentally drained! Do I leave?
6 year relationship, 4 kids (3 step kids)
Hes lazy he doesn’t do anything & when I do ask for help it turns into an argument because he takes it the wrong way, I then try and reassure that I’m just asking a simple question, there’s times where I get called every name under then sun and then it all gets turned around on to me.
I’m physically and mentally drained and I don’t think I can do it anymore.
Im always worried about his feelings and how he would feel and how it would affect him and his life if I was to leave rather then worrying about myself and my mental health.
It’s all just hit me because I had 3 people ask me if I was okay and if I was happy, I automatically said yes and then I had time to actually think about it and then it went downhill from there because I realised that I wasn’t happy.. I do love him there’s no doubt about that but I just don’t think I can do it anymore. There’s more bad days then what there are good.
As soon as I ask for help wether it be around the house or with the kids he always responds with so don’t do anything for me or the kids and he’ll get someone else to help him with the kids while he goes to work ( I work aswell mon-fri).
I feel like I’ve failed as a parent when he says that and then don’t really see a point on being around them or living with them.
I’ve shut down, I’ve done nothing but cry for the last 4 days. I’m bottling everything up because I cannot communicate without getting abused & im constantly feeling like I’ve failed with everything.
I just don’t know what to do anymore !?!
Thank you for posting on Beyond Blue. Sometimes we carry the burden upon ourselves whereas sharing your struggle with more open minds can be enlightening.
Regarding your husband, if help is not provided of one's own volition, then requesting such will usually antagonise the unwilling participant.
Perhaps if you were the biological mother of all 4 children, you may have had time to adapt - kids can be so messy, but they do grow up and with time can be given chores appropriate to their capabilities. I guess it comes down to putting the training into place early - involve the children as doing something 'fun' (but expect little productivity); provide incentives (a treat, or pocket money, keep a wall chart with awards). Who knows, maybe your husband will also become supportive upon seeing the kids chipping in?
It sounds as though your grievance is the work imbalance - not the love you share for each other (although this is straining the relationship). Having to work also must really take its toll on you. I would seriously consider his offer of getting someone in to assist (without seeing it as a slur on your parenting skills) - a cleaner, or even a nanny might be what you need until you feel ready or things settle down for you.
Presently though, you need a break - maybe a little indulgent spa treatment or weekend away would help in the immediate term?
Hello Jk12, and a warm welcome.
A cooperative, understanding and basic balance for each person in a relationship or marriage needs to be applied for the longevity of this to remain a happy and faithful union between two people if this isn't carried out, then problems begin which will only escalate.
You can still love someone but it's not the same as when you first met, you can even care for a person which maybe interpreted as love and if asked whether or not you're happy, our natural response would be to say yes, it's much easier to say this without having to explain why you're not, but your friends know that you aren't happy, that's why they asked, to them, it's written plainly all over your face, I'm sorry to say.
You should not be abused by the mistakes he's made or unable to accomplish because of his lack of care, you can't continue on like this, a decision needs to be made and really hope you can stay with us and let us know what's happening.
Balancing the workload in a busy household is hard. My partner and I struggle with the same - both working, both tired, but the chores still need to get done.
We have had counselling recently and one thing that has resonated with me, which I think may help in your situation, is that every relationship’s “normal” is different to another’s. Your partner might have friends whose wives do everything at home, but perhaps they don’t work full time; or he might have seen it work that way in his childhood, but times have changed.
What he needs to understand is that you aren’t coping, and that you need to feel supported and cared for, instead of just caring for everyone else. If he can take the step to understanding that together you can make your own “normal”, and make it so it is just about what works for you, perhaps that will help him let go of the stereotypes.
Good luck and stay strong. You’re clearly doing an amazing job. Don’t forget to make some time for yourself now and then.