My mums partner had given her an ultimatum because of me

[Hopeful_18]

Hi all,

Approx 6months ago I had a falling out with my mums partner. Im 28 and she has been with him for 4yrs. I never liked him. But mums happiness was important. I got to know him & tried to include him. My sister and I always said there was something strange about him. To keep it short this man would always make comments about my weight everytime I was around (Im size 10-12 & fit, but solid) when I wasn’t he would tell my sister (22) Im manipulative towards her & always say negative things about me. We have fought heaps from the start and he’s always with my mum when I want to see her.

This fight started over something small and I made a comment that got him going, he yelled and lunge at me over the fence. He said things that no women should ever be told so I blew & went right off. In the end he told me I deserved what I get from men for the way I dress (I am body conscious so I dress pretty conservative). This man continues to tell my mum I need to apologise for something I didn’t say. I suffer from anxiety as it is and I have a very good memory so I swear what he’s saying is not true.

Anyway for the last 6months my mum has begged me to apologise or even fake one so he will help her and stop acting like this. I refuse to for what he has said, for him not willing to meet half way or acknowledge his role in the fight, for the things he’s said to mum after the fight and how he manipulates her. My life these last 6 months even through covid have been so much better with out this narcissistic man because I have not been shamed, slandered and degraded by him.

Tonight my brother told me the partner has given mum an ultimatum. Either I apologise before Christmas or he is kicking her out and leaving her.

Since the fight I’ve seen him twice and have spoken politely with a hello how are you. I have moved on, I will not apologise out of respect for myself and other women. And I will not apologise for something I didn’t say or an apology I don’t mean.

Do I cave so Mum doesn’t get dumped and let this man continue to control Mum knowing he can play her children as they will cave for her to be happy, do I cut Mum and him off or deal with him kicking mum out and knowing my own anxiety will destroy me.

When this fight happened I felt horrible and now for the first time since they met I am so much happier without him around (I live on mums and my late fathers 2nd farm hence why the he’s always around and should I leave).

Thanks in advance x

[quirkywords]

Hopeful

Welcome and thanks for your first post. I am so sorry that you are in this terrible predicament which has awful consequenses which ever way you choose.

I dont think any person would make a child choose between their own mental health and upsetting their mother.

Does your mother see how controlling he can be ? It is an awful predicament for your mother as well.

I wonder why after these months he is making this threat , has he been stewing for months hoping you would apologize.

It is so complicated. Is he bluffing hoping you will apologise so he feels in control.

If you do apologise it wont be happy families and you will feel bad about not being true to your self and you have no guarantee that he will not leave your mum anyway.

What do your brother and sister advise you to do? Are they supportive and will they back you what ever you decide. It sounds like you are being forced by a controlling person to do what they wnat, but how do you know how he will react or will he even accept your apology.

Does your mum understand what he said to you and why you said things to him?

I do wonder as I said before why now he has decided to make this ultimatum.

I have not been much help and I feel for you because it is quite complex .

Would you consider ringing the Beyond Blue support line 1300224636 that provides support advice action

Please feel free to post here as much as you like.

[Guest909]

Hi Hopeful

As quirky words has already said, the situation is "quite complex".

That being said, let me simplify things by "cutting to the chase". The central issue of your post seems to be about what your brother told you; viz "Either I apologise before Christmas or he is kicking her out and leaving her". Have you confirmed this with your mother; if not this might be a good place to start.

The animosity between you and your mother's partner is not the immediate issue here. I get the feeling the real issue is about your mother's wellbeing. I apologies if I have misinterpreted what you have said.

Please feel free to post again!

[Guest909]

Hi Hopeful

Just expanding on what I said earlier, if your mother and her partner are in a de facto relationship, she cannot be "kicked out". There are laws against this.

If your mother's partner becomes violent or unreasonable, a word to the local police will be in order. If that does not work, the police will issue a DVO, if appropriate.

As I said previously, you need to check with your mother first. Was she threatened with eviction?

[Hopeful_18]

Thankyou for all your replies. I have been struggling to find motivation to do anything today thankfully it was my day off. I do not believe he will physically hurt her but I can see the toll he has put on her mentally by carrying this on.

My sister spoke with my mum this morning to ask if this was the truth and she stated it was and that I am being “childish” for not even faking the apology to help her see if he changes his way.

My brother has told me to apologise for my mums sake but my sister who has also found herself in a similar confrontation with the partner is backing me and telling me that I need to stay true to my self and not give in to the controlling man. If a apologise in the end he’ll know that he can threaten my mum so she can make us kids dance.

when the incident first occurred my mum spoke to her friends and told me she felt he has manipulative tendency and I have tried to tell her on many times that he is manipulative and controlling of her that’s why he attacks me knowing I’m her emotional support. He knows I suffer from high functioning anxiety so he can easily get to me. It has been happening from the start of their relationship. But you can only tell someone this so many times before they stop listening.

I believe he is stewing after all these months because I refused to apologise which keeps him unable to control me and the situation. He has only just rekindle with his son after not speaking for 12 years due to their argument. So I know he is the kind of person to not see him being in the wrong.

I have greeted him twice since I’ve ran into him. I’ve moved on with it all as I choose not to have him in my life but remain pleasant for when he is with my mum and I see her. He continues to tell my mum that I need to apologise and now he has made the ultimatum.

He is dating her and not me and doesn’t need to see me. But mum just won’t listen.

I’m not worried about the eviction because my mum does have a place to go as we have three houses in the family if she needs as she was prepared to leave him when it first happened but again it’s the “but it’s good when it’s good” quote.

seeing my mum upset and hurt breaks me and explaining to my mum Originally why I retaliated was heartbreaking as she found out things I have never spoken before.

My life has been amazing since I havnt had to see him, then mum brings it up & it throws me back into the hole. I want mum to be happy but I need to stand up for myself when no one else does.

[Guest909]

Hi Hopeful

Things are a little clearer now. I can see the three-way link between your mother, her partner and you. This is a form of manipulation called, "Triangulation".

"Triangulation in psychology is the name for a rather heartless form of manipulation in which one person seeks to control a three-person interpersonal situation for their own benefit. It often involves the use of threats of exclusion or strategies that aim to divide and conquer".

If you want to know more, google "narcissistic triangulation".

There is an old proverb that says, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". I think that this proverb is relevant here. Your mother is aware of the manipulation, but will not act on that knowledge. The best you can do is be there when she needs you. If you interfere, matter may only get worse.

I'm no expert in this field, but I would not be apologising to this man. You need to break the "triangle", if possible.

Stand back and let time do its magic. When your mother is ready, she will come to you for help. In the meantime, do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from this manipulation. Don't play his game, you will not win.

I hope other members on this forum can give you a female perspective. Stay in touch!

Paul

[quirkywords]

Hopeful

just wondering how things are going.

take care

[BOC64]

Hi Hopeful

I am sorry to hear about the position you and your family have been placed in by this "man" (debatable). It does sound that he may feel jealous of or threatened by you in some way.

I noticed in your initial message you said you live on your mum and my late fathers 2nd farm so I assume your mum and her BF live on the first. Is this now owned by your mother given he has threatened to "kick her out"?

Apologising to this person will in my view just give him a greater sense of power as it would seem that he needs to feel powerful towards women.

Please stay strong for your mum and yourself.

BOC