Paranoid about husband leaving me for someone else

[halo82]

Hi there. I'm new here 🙂

Recently I was camping with my husband, and as we sat by the fire listening to music, I noticed him playing on his phone. I asked 'whatcha doing' in a friendly way and he replied with 'nothing'. As he said this, his phone tilted toward me and I watched him delete a trail from Messenger, right before he turned the phone to lock mode.

I asked calmly 'why did you just delete a message trail? He replied 'I didn't'. Things then got a little heated because I knew what I had seen and couldn't understand why he was lying about it. I hate dishonesty, even when considered a 'white lie' and he knows how I feel about it. He went into full on defensive mode, and I was completely taken aback because I had never meant to argue. I just wanted to know why he felt the need to delete messages. We have been married for four years and I have never even gone near his phone or questioned what he's up to.

The next day when we'd cooled down, I explained how I just needed him to be honest. We have not been in a good place this year for various reasons and have lost emotional and physical connection. He told me that he had been messaging a mate from back home (overseas) and getting advice on our relationship. He was messaging because he needed support. I believe him and I have no issue with him talking about me and our issues to close friends as I know everyone needs someone to talk to.

However... since that night, I have become super paranoid. What else is he hiding? Who else is he chatting to? Does he talk to girls? What is he doing right now with this phone? I am becoming anxious, losing sleep, and have started worrying that he's cheating on me. My husband is very attractive physically and has an outgoing personality. I on the other hand, have zero self confidence, have suffered with anxiety and depression, went through alcoholism, have gained a lot of weight, have low self esteem, and I don't really have any friends. I know that my weight gain and lack of motivation has been an issue for my husband even though he's too polite to say it.

I am working on myself now, have started exercising and eating better and really trying to look after myself. This is for me. I just worry that I'm too late and that he'll be moving onto someone else before I can become my best.

How has one small action turned me into an anxious, untrusting and paranoid mess? How do I start trying to relax and trust again? I need some words of wisdom to help me from losing my mind.

Thx

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Well you have few options.

I would back off now and allow things to return to normal. Eventually he'll make a mistake (if he's cheating) and you'll find out.

In the meantime carry out some small checks- when does he have opportunities?, is he claiming working overtime but his income doesn't show it?, etc

If you are more suspicious then a private investigator can be employed. Sounds drastic, but it was my profession before retirement so I know how some can deceive.

Finally. I'm a little sad that you feel under obligation to become trim for him.

TonyWK

[tranzcrybe]

Hi halo82,

Welcome to the forums and I trust your premonitions are just that - a compounded convolution from a small seed of fact. I think we all get these at times - leaving the house and then wondering if I shut the front door, and then creating scenarios of my house being pillaged and desecrated by any number of passers by...

The only way to settle that feeling is to go back and check - inconvenient, sometimes costly, and inevitably a feeling of silliness when all is found to be in order; but needing to be done to resume normal operations. This may be how you feel also - ambivalent at probing something that may amount to nought, but equally unable to think of anything but dire consequences.

Remember, we have these 'gut feelings' for good reason - there is usually a grain of truth at the centre. Whether that emanates from your husband's behaviours/intentions or your own subliminal observations/criticisms, it is prudent not to let the matter fester.

I hope you can engage in more open conversation with your husband as you should reasonably expect in marriage - this would at least separate the facts from the spiralling thoughts. Together, you could seek relationship counselling to work through your differences in a respectful manner.

Regards,

t.

[geoff]

Hello Halo, and a warm welcome to BB.

Presumably, you went on a camping holiday, whether it's just overnight or for a few days because that's what you both enjoy or time by yourselves, couldn't be any better than sitting around a campfire, however, unfortunately, problems began.

For you to stop the alcohol takes incredible strength, more so than someone who doesn't have an issue with it, because what it then does is open a list of different activities that you have never considered, that's what you should be proud of because now you can achieve what you set your mind to.

If your husband was messaging a mate then there's no reason why he should have lied and then confessed, later on, is up for you to decide, and it's disappointing to even believe he might be contacting other people behind your back, especially after you have achieved, but one difficult task is to be able to join a group who are drinking and this doesn't prompt you to join them and I'm sure you have had to encounter this before.

Besides all of this, the true colours will show from your husband and hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.