I am hoping to get some advice from people who have been in a similar
situation. I very recently left my partner of 12 years, who I share 3
children with, due to the relationship being toxic and unhealthy for
both me and the children. During the cour...
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I am hoping to get some advice from people who have been in a similar
situation. I very recently left my partner of 12 years, who I share 3
children with, due to the relationship being toxic and unhealthy for
both me and the children. During the course of our relationship he was
very controlling, very jealous and insecure (went through my mobile
daily), and I let him mold me into what he needed me to be - an
extension of him - instead of being my own self. My own opinions, views,
values, dreams and aspirations always came second to his or were
completely wrong in his eyes - he could never see my side or see a
different point of view other than his own. I could never say no to him,
because if i did it was days and days of him punishing me by being
abusive, ignoring and being horrible to me. I could never say no to sex,
because it meant i didn't love him and he would sulk for days. If he
wanted to buy something or spend money, even if it was ridiculous or we
were broke, I couldn't say no for the same reasons. I don't know when or
how it happened, but I eventually gave up. I gave up having an opinion,
I gave up having a voice, and I gave up trying. I would just agree with
everything he said. I never said no to sex, and there were times when I
remember lying there just hoping he would finish quickly. When I started
working again all the jealousy, insecurities and controlling behaviour
came to blows and we had some very violent and aggressive arguments -
some in front of the children - and I decided it was enough and it was
over. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, to split up
my family, to put my children through divorce and pain, and to cause
extreme hurt to my husband - whom i still loved but could no longer be
with. I'm now struggling to move forward, and have been so tempted at
times to go back to him so that I can stop hurting. I never wanted this
to happen. I am also struggling with finding myself, and who i am
anymore. I feel like i have lost who i really am and i dont really know
how to find that again. It has been 12 years of this abuse and I'm
struggling to break all the bad habits i have made. I'm still living my
life trying not to do things that might upset him - making sure i always
have my phone on me just incase, making sure the house is clean etc. And
i dont know how to break that pattern. I was hoping that perhaps others
can relate and perhaps offer some advice to help me get through this
tough time.