Does anyone have any advice on how to get the words out and allow someone who truly does care in?

[brownhairedgirl]

hello

discovered these forums last night during a sleepless night that seems to be a thing with my current depressive episode.

i've never been successful in long term relationships. They get to about the 2-3 year mark and dissolve. My boyfriends are always lovely blokes, we don't fight and scream at each other and the relationships have ended amicably. After 5 years single, concentrating on staying well, living life and building my small business i met a wonderful man with 2 children about 18 mths ago. We all adore each other and i actually felt that for the first time in my life i was part of a wonderful happy functional family and that i had a happy future ahead.

In October my beloved Dad passed away. The earth stopped spinning and my internal world imploded.

He was elderly but in general good health for his age. His decline was rapid and his passing was a shock.

Rationally i know that is the trigger to my current depressive episode. I am very very sad and can't seem to get passed his death.

My sadness and emptiness has been going on since then and it is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend and his children.

I'm no fun to be around, mostly low in mood and not chatty so i usually end up going home to my place so as not to make everyone else miserable. Sometimes i can fake a more positive mood but it doesn't last more than a week or so then i'm back low. i just want to be by myself.

My boyfriend and his children have been pretty understanding giving me space and time to get over it but i can tell that he is getting frustrated with me and is almost at the end of his tether. The up and down of my moods are taking their toll on our relationship.

I've tried to open a dialogue with him to explain how i'm feeling and whats going through my mind but i don't know how to really get it going into any depth.I feel that he also doesn't know what to do with me or how to deal with me. he says go to the doctor and get it sorted. Im in the process of that but it is taking time to get into an appointment via the ATAPS . I'm trying to get myself sorted but i'm very fearful i'm ruining a relationship i love very much and i don't know if i can live with myself if i do that. It would be the biggest regret of my life and crush my already bruised and battered heart. I don't want to lose another good man in my life.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get the words out and allow someone who truly does care in?

Peace x

[white knight]

Hi BHG, welcome

I very much understand. I lost my dad in 1992 and it rocked my world. He was the salt of the earth as they say. To release my grief I resorted to poetry on of which I've posted a the end of this post.

And therein lies one answer to your problem. We think talking to others is the way to go but writing a note for others to read is more effective as it allows you to edit before you give and it allows others to re-read it and let it sink in. It also allows you to express your love and appreciation, things that are hard to do vocally.

Even "I love you, thankyou for your patience" is gold. Put it in the fridge next to the milk, on someones dashboard etc. A surprise of love is wonderful. For a female its like unexpected flowers.

Grief time is a personal thing. If it takes a decade don't feel bad. but try playing games like monopoly or other distractions with your step children. Have bursts of fun. You can do it. then go to bed for a lie down.

Praise- praise them all the time. Even if you feel fake because you are depressed. It's important to find this energy.

Google

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: coping with grief- beyondblue

Topic: switching mindsets- beyondblue

TO KISS HIS TEMPLE

There were some things I knew as taboo

to express my love but to question who?

to touch the pale face of my dad back then

when touching taboo...when "men were men"

For boys were male and "you cant do that"

jealous of my sister and that is that

that man couldnt hug his son for how he was seen

nowadays if you hugged your son- well, you'd be relieved.

And so my dad the salt of the land

wouldnt touch me even by hand

he knew he loved me and I him

with a wink of an eye from under his brim

Then that day we all regret came along

where watery eyes was met by song

and there he lie with an eerie smile

I be alone with him for just a while.

As I stroked his forehead cool to touch

I raised my head automatically as such

to kiss his temple of which I dare

I knew his mind was well aware.

Of all the kisses I missed

they gathered together in just one kiss

finally as his spirit rose and went

he left his love and hugs were spent

I never craved again heart be blessed

that tradition of males their love expressed

a kiss on his forehead way back then

ended an era when "men were men"....

Repost anytime in those threads or here. We are here to help.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Brownhairedgirl, please let me welcome you to the forum.

I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your dad because there is never a good time for this to happen, it's always very upsetting and such a shock and that's why your world stopped spinning, so my condolences to you for this very sad event.

It's impossible to keep pretending that everything is OK, that's hard work and it's too exhausting to keep faking your mood.

Don't think of the end result like your other relationships, believe that this will turn out to be successful, but your partner needs to understand what depression is and that it can happen to anybody, so perhaps you and your partner can sit down and read the black tabs at the top of this page, and if one particular point raises concern then talk about it.

I would also click onto 'Get Support' and scroll down till you find 'Publications to download or order', maybe order it so that the booklet can be taken with you so that it can be browsed through anywhere.

Start with your local doctor, they may know a psych who bulk bills, plus they may want to give you some medication which will help you. Geoff.

[brownhairedgirl]

Hello Geoff and White Knight,

It's been almost a month now since i reached out on this forum and the both of you gave me some wonderful advice. I thought i'd give you an update on how i'm doing.

Your wise and soothing responses to me during a time of great anxiety that night, calmed me down and gave me the space to breathe and reorder my thoughts. So i send to you both a HUGE Thank You!

I finally got into some appointments with a psych which has been great. She has helped me unblock the words and i have been able to express my thoughts. It feels like such a relief to be able to say the words out loud and be able to talk about it. She has given me strategies on how to cope when anxious thoughts and grief threaten to overwhelm me.

Since my appointments with the psych, my boyfriend and i have been able to have a couple of good honest and open conversations which has brought us a better understanding of each other and strengthened our relationship.

I've reached out to a friend who is also having a tough time and we now do a regular 1 hour walk once a week where we both get our frustrations and worries out of our heads if we want to and also chat about general day to day stuff. This has been a godsend. A month ago I struggled to motivate myself to even leave the house.

Having him there expecting the walk every tuesday morning makes me do it even if i don't feel like it. i don't want to let him down so i drag my ass there no matter what! i always feel full of energy for the rest of the day after our walks.

Over the weekend just gone, i started a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle with the kids. Everyone got involved (even kids down the street who dropped by at different times) as the weekend progressed and it was genuinely a lovely bonding time as a family. We were able to chat about lots of stuff in a no pressure situation.

I also spent time with the kids cooking a meal and going croc spotting at the local lake at night. It was a lovely weekend.

I know i'm still going to have ups and downs over the next months and years but i thank you, Beyond Blue and my 2 wonderful forum friends, Geoff and White Knight for being there when i needed support and for all the wonderful work you do. You help so many people and it is appreciated.

Peace,

BHG

[white knight]

Hi BHG

wow! Your reply stunned me, so unexpected and beautiful.

It doesnt happen often but such a reply is gold and uplifting.

Thankyou

Im pleased you've turned things around.

Life is grand

Tony WK