Hello, I am new to these forums, sorry if this topic is not interesting.
I just need to vent. I was diagnosed with depression over a decade ago.
Back then I went to my family to hopefully talk to, they didn't agree
with the diagnosis and convinced me...
View more
Hello, I am new to these forums, sorry if this topic is not interesting.
I just need to vent. I was diagnosed with depression over a decade ago.
Back then I went to my family to hopefully talk to, they didn't agree
with the diagnosis and convinced me to go off the medication that my GP
had put me on. For years afterwards I dealt with it alone, believing
that I was just overreacting to a bad day when I felt completely useless
and worthless. I was extremely lucky to find someone to support me when
he can. I appreciate that he is willing to support me any way he can,
but he doesn't understand fully the feelings of blackness I experience.
There are aspects of our future that have become problems for me to deal
with also. I see friends and family around me getting married and having
children. While I am engaged, there are no plans for a wedding in the
near future (even though we have been engaged for 5 years). I would also
love to be a mother one day. I am nearing 30 years old, I know this
becomes harder the older you get. My fiancée told me recently that he
doesn't want to have children. This has hit me hard. We have been
together for 11 years, I love him and don't want to lose him, so I have
agreed to put it on the back-burner for now but I know I am running out
of time. My mood swings and depression have been having negative effects
on our relationship. He does his best to help me, but I can see that he
can't take much more of my problems either. I tried a couple of years
ago to go to my family again for support. One of my sisters responded
with "Stop crying, you are being silly" and proceeded to change the
subject. The others I tried talking to seemed completely oblivious to
what I was saying. I understand that people don't know how to deal with
this type of situation, but that left me with no-one else to talk to. I
am not overly close with my friends, this is not something I would be
willing to talk about with them. I went on medication again last year, I
thought it was starting to help but people around me started to say that
I was just a zombie. No real reaction to anything. It was also effecting
my health in a very negative way. I struggle to lose weight at the best
of times. While on the medication I put on 15kg. I went off the
medication a few months ago and the weight is slowly starting to come
off again. Even with this bit of good news, happiness doesn't come easy
for me. Onto the job front. I lost my job due to "company changes"
almost two years ago. No matter how hard I try and how many applications
I put in, I can't find a new job. This doesn't help my self hatred. I
have always had an excellent work ethic. When I am working, I can't
stand leaving work undone, or sitting around doing nothing. Yet not one
person is willing to even give me the smallest of jobs. I don't want a
huge pay cheque and I am not looking to get promotions and the like. I
just want to feel like I am contributing to our household again. I feel
useless. I know that my life has no big issues, and I don't really have
any reason to complain. I just feel like everyone around me would be
better off if I just disappeared for good. Does depression ever go away?
I hate feeling like this and I don't know how much longer I can keep
fighting this. Sorry for rambling. Like I said, I needed to vent.
Hello! Read this if you're not sure how to get started
