Hi
Hello,I have really awful anxiety. I think it started as a kid, I don't
remember ever not having it. It has dominated my life, affected my
relationships, my education, my work life. I grew up in a family with 11
children and just my mum. She was a go...
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Hello,I have really awful anxiety. I think it started as a kid, I don't
remember ever not having it. It has dominated my life, affected my
relationships, my education, my work life. I grew up in a family with 11
children and just my mum. She was a good mum but we had a really crazy
step dad who used to beat my mum up. She would run away from him when he
was at work or in the middle of the night, so we were always moving and
fearful of him finding us. Because we moved so much I got beaten up a
lot at school and had to hide in the library or back of the school at
recess and lunch. Most of my brothers and sisters have anxiety and
depression too. Most of my brothers and sisters have anxiety and
depression too. My oldest sister died by suicide. She suffered from
depression. I didn't feel sad about that at all, I had no feelings about
it which is odd but it is what it is.I joined up today because I'm at a
loss as to what to do. Last year I broke up with my wife and started
living in my vehicle. I had just lost my job, my life was falling apart,
I had reached the point where it felt like a million different problems
were crushing me an unmanageable mess. Right now I'm a complete failure
at everything, I can't do anything, I can't find a way out of this
enormous hole. I have a ball of fear, stress, sadness, anxiety, tension
in my chest. It makes me tired, dreadfully so. I have severe and
constant insomnia, sometimes I'm unable to sleep for days, other times I
sleep for days. I can't even tell people the truth, my doctor or anyone.
You can't even tell people the truth or they'll schedule you and put you
in a mental institution for gods sake. I'm angry. I managed to get an
appointment with a psychiatrist, she gave me a medical certificate for 3
months, with the idea of allowing me some times to relax, I'm on
Newstart allowance which means I have to look for work however I can't
even go outside some days and other days I'm so tired from not enough
sleep that I feel physically sick. I have some really strong sleeping
pills but they make me even more tired.I'm waiting to be seen by the
Anxiety Clinic but they have a huge waiting list I guess because its
been months since they accepted me. Today I had my payments suspended
for the 8th time in 16 weeks. Centrelink keeps booking me appointments,
despite having 2 medical certificates and when I don't turn up because
of my anxiety and depression they cut me off. Its not that I don't want
to turn up its that I can't physically and mentally go there. I panic
and awefulise for a week before an appointment. I can't go into the
reception area without sweating, shaking, feeling like the whole place
is boring their eyes into me. I feel afraid and so self conscious.Last
time I went despite that and ended up humiliating myself in front of the
entire place. I was so frustrated and anxious I started crying. I'm a
big guy, 41 and I was crying in front of all those people, kids, women,
teens. It was the most humiliating thing.I asked them why I can't
attend, due to my illness, over the telephone but they said they have
nothing to accommodate my illness. One of the ladies was really nice and
kept calling me sweetie, I think she felt sorry for me but it seems
really wrong for this to be happening.I'm wondering if anyone knows what
I can do, the last time I rang the participation team they basically
told me 'turn up or no money' regardless of my illness. I can't turn up
and I have no money, no food, I'm on antidepressants which I have
another weeks supply of but once that runs out the withdrawals will be
pure hell.I need some advice. Thank you for reading if you read this
far.
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