30+ anxious++ binge drinker ruining her good life!!

fuschia · ‎27-04-2014

I'm a 37 year old female. I'm fairly attractive (whilst I have put on weight in the last few years) and have a lovely home and garden I take pride in. I have a professional job, and work around doctors, health professionals and even physcologists and if you asked them they would all say I have a good head on my shoulders and that's the way I try so hard to keep it. I work hard and get the job done with mostly moderate anxiety I try very hard to mask so long as I don't have to engage in too much personal conversation or heavens above attend a staff meeting (where the walls close in on me). None of them know I am a binge drinker outside of work who gets herself so drunk she often puts herself in seriously dangerous situations, been sexually assaulted, injured myself, taken illicit drugs, gone home with and travelled in cars with strangers, got kicked out of pubs and mostly offend people, all whilst planning a wedding to my loving, caring, supportive, patient fiancée and succeeding at a job I really love. I have had severe anxiety ALL MY LIFE and started medication at the age of 17. I've tried them all. I attempted suicide for the first time a month ago whilst I was drunk. Whilst I am far from religious I swear someone must have been looking over me as I have no idea how I survived. When anxiety get's to me and I can't settle it, or eating doesn't help, I'll drink until I vomit or pass out. My 14 year old son has unfortunately witnessed some of it though I hide it as much as I can and try to have my splurges when his at his dad's (now living there 4 nights a week). I have done extensive physcotherapy in previous years including cognitive therapy so I am very mindful of what is going on but can't seem to stop it. Anxiety is hereditary for me, and unfortunately my son was diagnosed at the age of 10 when he became suicidal himself. I guess I have come to this forum to feel like I'm not the only one and to try and work through some of the guilt I feel for the things I have done in the past which are simply outrageous and uncharacteristic of me. I'm avoiding social situations like the plaque and I have my wedding next year. I have pushed away any close friends I have as I prefer to have acquaintances and work colleagues which I can keep at a distance as I consider myself a massive introvert (except when I'm drinking). I can see how much I am hurting my fiancée by my behavior and my son and I no longer want to hurt or punish myself anymore but I simply do not know where to go from here!!!!

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Scotty2013 · ‎28-04-2014

I know arn't we just the best Actors! We could win Oscars!.....I can be sensible me, and i can also be destructive me!..Just want those feelings of crap to stop!!! 😞

fuschia · ‎29-04-2014

Me too Scotty. How is this done though? Everyday is getting a bigger and bigger struggle for me and I feel so selfish because I know there are a lot of people worse off than me. Is it weird that I have day dreamed of just becoming a homeless person so I don't have to deal with anyone anymore? It's been a serious thought. The alternative is living in a cupboard but that's a bit hard because someone would drag me out eventually. I guess this would be easier if I had people to talk to but I'm so paranoid of people judging me that I can't talk to anyone.

Scotty2013 · ‎01-05-2014

Hi Fuschia I think many of us have had those thoughts, I think homelessness would be ok for a while, but have it's own challenges. It's easy to get overwhelmed with the smallest of things running a home, things is we are though we need to now and again pat ourselves on the back, for not chucking it all in. 🙂

geoff · ‎01-05-2014

dear Fuschia, I want to thank you for joining us on this site.

I wonder how many people are in the exact same position as you are at the moment, and I'm sure that it would be dozens of people, and this includes myself many years ago while depression ruled my life.

What I can say is that your mask is so strong that not even the professionals you work for can not even pick your hidden mood.

We don't judge or criticise anybody on this site, because we have been through the same dilemma, self medication, as well as depression, so we know what's it like to be in your situation.

There are also many of us who are struggling with using alcohol as a back stop, I was one who also drank everyday until it made me fall asleep, because I couldn't find any solution on how to help myself, even though I trusted my psychologist and felt comfortable talking to her, but it still didn't stop my alcohol abuse, I needed it and relied on it everyday, and by saying this doesn't include the days when I abstained, because these days I might have had to drive.

My sons hated to see me when I was drinking, but at that stage I had to put the alcohol before anything else, as this was my only salvation, this and nothing else, which now I really regret, but that's in hide-sight.

Forget about going to AA as I found this not to stop me from drinking, but listen to a few old crocks who told the same story every week, but that's how I feel, it may help other people though.

There seems to be a void that is missing in your life, and because you don't know what it is, or where to find it, alcohol is a substitute, where this can work for awhile, but now you are at a cross road now, so which direction do I take, or how can I find this elusive void, but maybe it's because of your son, as you know yourself that you are a capable, hard working person, and wonder why all of this happening to you.

I don't know but it could be that you aren't sure about getting married, and want to stay single, because of your beauty you don't want to be tied done again, just saying.

Hope that you reply back to us, I maybe well off the mark here, so please let me know. L Geoff. x

fuschia · ‎03-05-2014

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for the kind words.

I have gone to two separate meetings on two occasions over the years and no its not for me. I'm glad it works for others but I am not religious and I didn't feel like it was going to help me as you have said above.

I seriously don't know whats missing from my life. I have had anxiety and depression even as a child so I think its something I may have been born with or genetic or maybe due to some trauma I witnessed as a child and living in a violent household until the age of 4.

One thing I know for sure is that I DO want to get married. My fiancée is 110% supportive and never judges me and goes out of his way to help me without enabling me if that makes sense.

I've been engaged twice before (the first one ended up a drug addict that I spent 2 years trying to fix and ended up taking my 2 year old away from it all) and the second one was very emotionally abusive so I have hit the jackpot this time.

I guess its been a big motivator to get myself better and I am giving myself a time line of 12 months for the wedding (probably more unnecessary pressure I could do without) BUT I guess its a goal I have to hopefully stable myself enough so I'm not getting paraletic. I do want to be a "social" drinker but it remains to be seen.

I truly believe alcohol is not my problem but a bandaid. I believe if I can control my anxiety and depression I will no longer feel like getting so wasted. we will see.

Hope your doing well.