Hi

[Zygote]

Hello,

I have really awful anxiety.  I think it started as a kid, I don't remember ever not having it.  It has dominated my life, affected my relationships, my education, my work life.  

I grew up in a family with 11 children and just my mum.  She was a good mum but we had a really crazy step dad who used to beat my mum up.  She would run away from him when he was at work or in the middle of the night, so we were always moving and fearful of him finding us.  Because we moved so much I got beaten up a lot at school and had to hide in the library or back of the school at recess and lunch.  

Most of my brothers and sisters have anxiety and depression too. Most of my brothers and sisters have anxiety and depression too.  My oldest sister died by suicide. She suffered from depression. I didn't feel sad about that at all, I had no feelings about it which is odd but it is what it is.

I joined up today because I'm at a loss as to what to do.  Last year I broke up with my wife and started living in my vehicle.  I had just lost my job, my life was falling apart, I had reached the point where it felt like a million different problems were crushing me an unmanageable mess.  

Right now I'm a complete failure at everything, I can't do anything, I can't find a way out of this enormous hole.  I have a ball of fear, stress, sadness, anxiety, tension in my chest.  It makes me tired, dreadfully so.  I have severe and constant insomnia, sometimes I'm unable to sleep for days, other times I sleep for days.  

I can't even tell people the truth, my doctor or anyone.  You can't even tell people the truth or they'll schedule you and put you in a mental institution for gods sake.  

I'm angry.  I managed to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, she gave me a medical certificate for 3 months, with the idea of allowing me some times to relax, I'm on Newstart allowance which means I have to look for work however I can't even go outside some days and other days I'm so tired from not enough sleep that I feel physically sick.  I have some really strong sleeping pills but they make me even more tired.

I'm waiting to be seen by the Anxiety Clinic but they have a huge waiting list I guess because its been months since they accepted me.  Today I had my payments suspended for the 8th time in 16 weeks.  Centrelink keeps booking me appointments, despite having 2 medical certificates and when I don't turn up because of my anxiety and depression they cut me off.  Its not that I don't want to turn up its that I can't physically and mentally go there.  I panic and awefulise for a week before an appointment.  I can't go into the reception area without sweating, shaking, feeling like the whole place is boring their eyes into me.  I feel afraid and so self conscious.

Last time I went despite that and ended up humiliating myself in front of the entire place.  I was so frustrated and anxious I started crying.  I'm a big guy, 41 and I was crying in front of all those people, kids, women, teens.  It was the most humiliating thing.

I asked them why I can't attend, due to my illness, over the telephone but they said they have nothing to accommodate my illness.  One of the ladies was really nice and kept calling me sweetie, I think she felt sorry for me but it seems really wrong for this to be happening.

I'm wondering if anyone knows what I can do, the last time I rang the participation team they basically told me 'turn up or no money' regardless of my illness.  I can't turn up and I have no money, no food, I'm on antidepressants which I have another weeks supply of but once that runs out the withdrawals will be pure hell.

I need some advice.  Thank you for reading if you read this far.

[geoff]

dear Zygote, I only know what this feeling feels like, so basically you are caught 'between a rock and a hard place', and this feeling is terrible, and how sorry I am for you to be in this position.

The loss of your marriage and all what your previous family had to struggle with leaves you with virtually nothing, and all of this has mounted up to put you in this awful situation, and unless we have encountered this ourselves we have no idea of the devastation it puts us in.

So you are desperate for help.

What I can suggest is that you can authorise someone else to be able to handle all the centrelink enquiries, meetings and son, which means that you don't have to go.

I have been authorised this by a couple of elderly people who were not in such an awful position as you are, but they couldn't handle anything to do with centrelink, nor rental, insurance matters, all medical appointments, ordering medical supplies for one chap and I had to do the shopping for them, bringing back to them receipts and account balances. I would for you to think about this and then please get back to us. Geoff.