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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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mimo123 need advice- after divorce
  • replies: 2

I got divorced in feb 2021. during the process i did not kept any contact with my ex. me any my family have blocked her contatc details after 6 months my parents receive a message from my ex writing how ashamed they should be and karma will hit you b... View more

I got divorced in feb 2021. during the process i did not kept any contact with my ex. me any my family have blocked her contatc details after 6 months my parents receive a message from my ex writing how ashamed they should be and karma will hit you back... same msg was sent to me from diffrent no. also few days back one of my close friend received a msg from my ex. this has caused me nd my family stress/ breach of privicy and emotional depression. has enyone gone through similar sitiuation where in even after full and final divorce granted by court, you did receive messages from ex, where in you have no energy left to handel her and contact her....how did you handel the situation. thanks

Intoodeep Ruined trust
  • replies: 1

One night he was out drinking with friends and I told him I was going to sleep as I had work. I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach. I went to his and found him passed out naked outside. I looked at his phone and he messaged a girl saying he wa... View more

One night he was out drinking with friends and I told him I was going to sleep as I had work. I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach. I went to his and found him passed out naked outside. I looked at his phone and he messaged a girl saying he wanted to be in bed with her. I woke him up and read it out to him. He looked confused and constantly kept saying he doesn't remember doing that or why he did it. He told me it was the heavy spirits and he will stop drinking them and I took him back. He started drinking lots of beers instead.6 months later he starts drinking every day and starts being in this mood where he ignores me. Eventually he goes from drinking beers to drinking vodka. He brings up some things from my past before I even met him.I tell him it's none of his business who certain people I've slept with are. I tell him to stop.He keeps going. He starts calling me a liar constantly.Eventually he goes out and gets drunk with his mate. He comes home and tries to act like nothing happened. I'm mad and hurt from how he's been talking to me and I start to ignore him. He goes drinking all day and night again.He comes home starts being mean then passes out. I'm feeling really untrustworthy at this point and go through his snapchat. In his recents there's 6 girls names there but in the conversations list all chats have been deleted. I lose it at him. He constantly says he hasn't deleted anything. He's got nothing to hide. Eventually he says yes one girl is his friend and he deleted the convo coz he's worried I would lose my cool at him. I told him how suspicious it is that he deleted messages and if something wasn't going on why hide it expecting to not get caught out. He continues to think he's done nothing wrong. He keeps saying he's never spoken to those other girls and doesn't know why it says they've recently talked because apparently he's never spoken to them ever. I feel so betrayed. I really don't believe a single thing that comes out of his mouth...he's like I want to be with you. I'll delete snapchat. I told him deleting snapchat won't change whether I believe him.I explained how it makes me feel bcoz he tried to be unfaithful before.I'm so hurt. I'm over told he's not lying and then constantly finding out he was. I hate who he is when he drinks.I've been feeling so low for a week now. Started smoking weed again to try numb everything. He's constantly asking me to tell him if I want to be with him or not. I don't know what I want to do. Help.

Herefortheforums How do i talk to this girl who is guarded and looks for all of the males flaws
  • replies: 2

I’ve had this crush on this girl for so long now. But she’s obviously a guarded type and finds flaws in all guys she talks/interacts with I know I can be good for her (going off past interactions and conversations with her). We have got along so well... View more

I’ve had this crush on this girl for so long now. But she’s obviously a guarded type and finds flaws in all guys she talks/interacts with I know I can be good for her (going off past interactions and conversations with her). We have got along so well, like a house on fire! but now I’ve made it clear I kinda want something more and now I want to break this barrier that’s between us and I know generally once women have had bad experiences it’s hard to for them to try again, but I really like to think I’m the type of guy that’s different and will treat her right She has mentioned in the past she wants a partner but now that the opportunity is here for her, she’s not so keen. so my question is, how do i tackle this situation with this girl? I believe the strongest competition I have.. is herself?

clueless2 My parents made my siblings hate me as much as they do
  • replies: 2

I think it's finally happened. My whole family seriously hate me. Being the second oldest of 7 kids is fricken tough, especially when you've raised yourself and have seem to be forgotten by your parents. The only thing i've ever gotten from my parent... View more

I think it's finally happened. My whole family seriously hate me. Being the second oldest of 7 kids is fricken tough, especially when you've raised yourself and have seem to be forgotten by your parents. The only thing i've ever gotten from my parents were very harsh words and curses along with slaps and punches. I'm no angel yet everything i've ever said or done was in response to all the emotional, mental and physical abuse. Im not good enough for them and they don't need nor want me anymore. Im not as smart as my older sister or as loved as my younger ones so i guess that made me the odd one out. I messed up real bad by getting my dad into trouble he didn't cause and i guess putting my feeling out on the table after pissed my mother off a lot. I'm bipolar and have anger issues that have grown from my toxic family. Nobody listens to anything i've gotta say till its too late. My younger sisters have been forced to believe that im insane and that ignoring and shutting me out completely will make me go away like some sort of Bogyman. Im an 18 yr old girl but i've been forced to rely financially on my parents so when my mother declared yesterday that she'd rather have my father home and me on the streets, i was totally unprepared. She said that i had 13 days to leave and if not she's burn my things to forget about it. All that over the fact that i felt that my younger brother could've asked me nicely instead of yelling at me to do things. In no way shape or form am i aloud to talk to my siblings and neither can they. Yet they could throw things at me or even hit me whenever and im told to stay in my room. Part of me is relived that i'd finally be out of here yet I've got no place to go. Im hurt that my mother would take in my father over me but i had seen it coming months ago. I don't know why it's hard for my family to believe that i have feelings too and im not some robot and that the reason why i'm so beaten down is because of their actions towards me. That the reason i don't have self confidence is because they tell me i look anorexic and that insane and crazy for trying to validate my feelings after more than a decided of being shut up by them.

anonlover Paranoia and Overthinking About Partner
  • replies: 8

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. Our relationship started when we were still teenagers and care-free. Though, my sense of maturity creeped up on me and now I feel anxious about every little thing that I may not have control o... View more

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. Our relationship started when we were still teenagers and care-free. Though, my sense of maturity creeped up on me and now I feel anxious about every little thing that I may not have control over in my life, including my boyfriend. Somewhere along the line, my boyfriend got a back injury, which led him to be out of work for a very long time and prescribed to pain meds. This put a heavy strain on our relationship - the reality was that the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with will have a life-long battle with pain management. This thread is called paranoia and overthinking about my partner because that is all that has consumed my mind for about a year. I started noticing small things about my boyfriend, which became huge issues and completely ruined the trust I had in him for so long. Things such as his pupils being pinpricks sometimes, him being low on money, him taking a long time in the bathroom, me finding suspicious things in his room, etc - everything was pointing towards the idea that he may be doing harder drugs behind my back. This idea became an obession for me. The paranoia of being lied to by my own boyfriend gave me permission to start snooping in his room and bags. I would find things that I would not like, but he would always have an excuse or explanation or just deny my accusations. This has caused an ongoing struggle between us - we regularly have arguments and then we have same conversations over and over again, in an attempt to understand each other's frustrations. I don't know for sure if something sinister is happening behind my back or whether he is struggling with something he won't tell me about, but I am constantly in fear that my worries may be true. I try my best to believe him and ignore the fact that he sometimes looks high, because I know that he has to take certain meds for when his back is in pain, which may change the way he looks and acts. But sometimes there are inconsistencies with what he tells me, leading me down a rabbit hole of overthinking and losing sleep over it. He is the only person I can express my feelings to, but it only leads to him being upset that I don't trust him. It makes me feel like I'm ruining the relationship between us and putting him through hell. I don't know if I can go on with the stress it puts on both of us but I love him too much to just leave, especially when I could be wrong about everything.

Lolue Dealing with my self punishing thoughts
  • replies: 5

Hi, Im hoping to gain some outside perspective on my thoughts as i feel like im going to go into a pattern of self punishing myself. In 2020 i was on and off with a guy as friends with benegits and i had really strong feelings for him unfortunately w... View more

Hi, Im hoping to gain some outside perspective on my thoughts as i feel like im going to go into a pattern of self punishing myself. In 2020 i was on and off with a guy as friends with benegits and i had really strong feelings for him unfortunately we werent able to make it work due to different lifestyles he ended things. we decided to stay friends. a couple of weeks later we caught up with a mutual friend for drinks. I drank too much and misread the situation when he placed his jacket around my shoulders. I was a little bit flirty, he drove me to the station and when we said goodbye he gave me a fist bump. I message him that i was a little bit upset that he gave me a fist bump. I thought we were close enough that we would hug goodbye. He responded that i crossed his boundaries as he was there catching up with friends. i mmediately apologised and agreed that i haf crossed his boundaries. He cancelled a trip we had planned together. I ended up going on the trip alone, i wanted to do something on my own to work on my independence and in part as a punishment for what happened. We ended up hanging out in a social group but only online and i even went to visit him when he was in hospital. fast forward a year and i asked if he wanted to catch up and hang out if he was comfortable. He then said yes and could we invite our social group. Unfortunately the social group didnt want to catch up cause of covid, so i asked again if he was comfortable hanging out just the two of us. He used the covid excuse as a reason he didnt want to catch up. I then decided to be direct and i asked if he was uncomfortable so that i could understand where his current boundaries were. He replied that due to the past incident he didnt feel comfortable hanging out with me one on one and that he needs more time. I completely understand where he is coming from and i will respect his boundary. What im struggling with is my thoughts i have depression and low self esteem and my mind is telling me that im still being punished and that i deserved to be punished. does anyone have any tips or techniques on what to do when your mind is telling you, you need to be punished?

lordrainyday8888 Married and have a crush on some from work - Please help me
  • replies: 107

I am a happily married guy with a beautiful and supporting wife - However, off lately met this girl at work and gone head over heels about her - I cannot stop thinking about and miss her every second in my life. when I see this girl at I am super ene... View more

I am a happily married guy with a beautiful and supporting wife - However, off lately met this girl at work and gone head over heels about her - I cannot stop thinking about and miss her every second in my life. when I see this girl at I am super energetic and very happy when I am with her and the movement I am back home - I unable to concentrate on anything and trying everything to stop thinking about her - But unable to do so the girl from work does not even know I love her so much and she is a good friend of mine and unable to express my feelings for her. Please help me - I don't know what to do - it's just driving me insane. I am pretty much-consuming alcohol every day in copious mounts just to sleep - I am totally frustrated with this situation and even thought of telling this person i have feelings for her but way too afraid to let her know. Can someone please advised me what i need to - thanks for your'e support

Guest4204 Am I expecting too much from my parents?
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone I feel like other people on the forum have far greater problems, so I wasn't going to post anything, but I just feel so lonely and lost, thank you for listening. I am in my mid 20s, I grew up here, my family were from Taiwan. I am current... View more

Hi everyone I feel like other people on the forum have far greater problems, so I wasn't going to post anything, but I just feel so lonely and lost, thank you for listening. I am in my mid 20s, I grew up here, my family were from Taiwan. I am currently studying and living with my grandparents (dad's side) &brother. Although my grandparents love &care for me very much &I feel very grateful to have them, it is often difficult because of the cultural &generational differences. They have a very low threshold for feeling like I have an 'attitude' and I have to be so mindful of the exact tone I speak in and how I say things. They can speak some English (good enough to go grocery shopping) but can't do any 'life admin' tasks and so my brother and I check their letters, text messages &do other household admin tasks for them. I will be moving out after I finish studying next year, I worry that they won't get the help they need and that they will feel left behind. My parents are not around to support us. I know they are both kind people, I understand that they are individuals too and not just 'my dad' and 'my mum' and I want them to be happy. But it feels like they're able to live their lives while my brother and I are 'stuck' here with our grandparents. My dad used to live with us but he moved out a few years ago with his new partner, they now live on the other side of Sydney &own a small business together. My dad is a kind man &I know he tries but in reality he offers very little/ no support. I've asked for him to come &visit more often, and he tries, but it still doesn't happen. My mum lives in Thailand. Our relationship has always been strained. I've been trying (for a few years) to be closer to her but whenever I try to call her for a chat it seems like she's always busy and in a hurry to leave the conversation, our calls mostly last for a few minutes. I resent her sometimes because feel like she favouritises my brother since we were young, short-tempered and she's left us here as well. I know she is a kind woman deep down but I still feel so angry at her sometimes. In summary, I feel so conflicted and so lonely. I know my parents are kind &well-intended but they are just not here for us, even though I feel like I've communicated that we needed them. Their parents cared even less for them, so in a way they are loving/caring for us to the best of their knowledge... I hate to feel this way but I sometimes still resent them for not 'meeting my expectations'.

nib Disappointed.
  • replies: 8

My mother and father are the only family I have left, and they are so unsupportive of the fact that I choose to be in an age-gap relationship, which is likely to happen. What disgusts me about my mother in particular, is that she supports two people ... View more

My mother and father are the only family I have left, and they are so unsupportive of the fact that I choose to be in an age-gap relationship, which is likely to happen. What disgusts me about my mother in particular, is that she supports two people of the same sex to get married, yet she wont support two heterosexual people who are in love with each other, to get into a relationship. That's not to say I don't support gay marriage, because I do. My mother discovered today that I have a picture of the man I desire on my phone and she automatically assumed that I have not been "getting over" him. I used to stalk him, but I don't anymore, and my mother has automatically assumed that I am stalking him again, when I actually haven't done that in a year. She genuinely believes that I am not getting better, and that is most certainly true, and the reason being is because I AM STILL LIVING IN THIS HOUSE WITH THESE TWO IDIOTS WHO SIMPLY WILL NOT GROW UP AND LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE'S PERSPECTIVES. There's more that I could write.

Ckb Devastated and don’t know I can go on
  • replies: 12

2 weeks ago my husband of 37 years and 2 adult boys announced to me he didn’t know if he loved me and told me he had fantasies about a friend of his. She was a client and I had been warned many times by others that she was after him. I found intimate... View more

2 weeks ago my husband of 37 years and 2 adult boys announced to me he didn’t know if he loved me and told me he had fantasies about a friend of his. She was a client and I had been warned many times by others that she was after him. I found intimate messages between them. He packed up and left to stay with friends. he only contacted me today with implying I’m talking bad about him and accusing him of an affair. Also that I’m telling our children toxic things about him, which isn’t true. he asked me to let him Go. I am totally devastated and can’t function. I didn’t reply.. I haven’t eaten for 2 weeks, can’t sleep.. I’m talking to my GP who is monitoring my health. I also have a health issue where I need to have tests done to confirm if I have blood cancer or not, which petrifies me. our boys still live in our property and I feel I can’t stay here as it’s too painful. Our business was from our property and I can’t and don’t want to go back to work. So I have no income. I feel completely blindsided, shocked and in total disbelief. I have no idea what to do, he hates me and I don’t understand why. we have always had a healthy and loving relationship, and he struggles with mental health and can get paranoid. And I’ve always helped him navigate that. He is safe where he is, and I don’t want to add any pressure or questions to him, but I have been told other people are telling him untruths about me. how do I go forward ? Who am I without him? how do my boys find their relationship with him again? ive had some help with a professional, but it hasn’t helped.. I don’t know what to do..