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Should I leave with 3 kids

atreljjj
Community Member

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years next month, we have 2 children together I had 1 child before we met, whom he adores and tells everyone he knows that she is his, which is one of the reasons I married him, he is very much a materialist, and I am careless, and very forgetful I have to keep replaying my drivers license because I swear it has legs, long story short, he buys the kids clothes and god forbid if I loose it at daycare he’s furious, I have lost gold he has given me, I have lost car keys many times, thankfully he always keep the spare, I have lost a brand new blanket, I have lost money that was literally in my hand, I have even lost my wedding band, all these things I have lost, I’m wreckless and careless, I can admit that I take full responsibility, but the thing is, all these things can be replaced, more money can easily be made, but his reaction and what he’s says when I loose things is driving me to negative thoughts. He tells me I’m useless, I’m worthless, I’m a bad mother, I don’t deserve a single tear at my funeral,

he can do soo much better on his own, I’m not needed in this house, I’m not even wanted in this house and many more, I work soo hard I have a full time which may I add is quite physical I work mon-Friday 8-5 but I get up early and get all 3 kids ready as they are all under 5, I get them to daycare, I go to my job, I pick them up, I feed them all, shower them all, try to shower myself but it’s never peaceful, I do all the laundry, I cook our dinner, and I repeat, the weekends I get up for the kids make their breakfast change them drive us to do whatever unload all the kids unload our shopping put it all away and still it is not good enough, he always has something to complain about, weather it’s the kids but it’s mostly me, he constantly brings me down, tells me daily look how beautiful this lady is (someone on tv) I heard it maybe 3 times since we’ve been together, he tells me he can make it better than me when I’ve cooked dinner, he tells me he cleans it better, which he does because I take the kids so he can clean, but when I clean I have to hold the kids as well, here’s the kicker, when I had our first kid not even an hour old while I’m still in a pool of my own bl**d he asks if he can go home, seriously, then our second kids I had to beg him to pick us up from the hospital I wasn’t worth the 30mins travel after giving birth to his child, that should have been my que to leave, I knew then I wasn’t truly worth it, but because of them I fought everyday to make it work, now I’m just depressed every day, he doesn’t listen to what I have to say and i drive for a living and I recently scared myself, but I’m still here to fight another day, any advice on what to do? I feel I need professional help 

3 Replies 3

Carus
Community Member

He definitely says a lot of REALLY nasty things. Gosh!

My take is that he still has love and care for you and the kids, but he's definitely fallen into a pattern of taking it all for granted....Still doesn't justify his behavior though....

Many marriage counsellors believe that by the time you walk through their door it's already too late. And in many cases they're right....

 

It takes a BIG shake up and a lot of work for people to change their ways.....

So perhaps trying a marriage counsellor or even you on your own might a good first starting point....But you as a sovereign being on this earth do NOT deserve to be living this way, kids or not....

 

I always remember one client I had where I did indeed help to save his marriage yet I never met his wife. I only ever worked with him....

 

I'm not reading in your post that you've ever brought up his behavior or how it makes you feel. Is that right? I understand you worry about that. I've never been great with setting and maintaining boundaries or  confrontation myself, but I'm working on it 🙂

 

And I guess you shouldn't jump too early, but as for his behavior and treatment of you, we never miss our water until the well runs dry.....just saying....

 

You have more power than you believe*

Hope this helps.

Regards

Carus*

Thank you for your reply, means a lot and sure does help me, I guess all I needed was the slightest validation that it’s not just in my head.

 

I don’t think I brought up this behavior but I do believe that my actions trigger it most of the time, I noticed most of the time if I don’t do things the way he does it then it’s wrong, ie boil the water before adding the pasta, if I don’t wipe the surfaces with the micro-fiber cloths, if I don’t sweep the carpets before vacuuming, silly things like that, we have to do what he wants never what I want to do, I pay half the bills, I do the kids 100% even paying their child care so we can make our income, Im just soo drained and under appreciated and made to feel worthless daily

 

But I don’t want a broken home for my kids nor do I want them to see that is a healthy marriage, I would do anything to communicate with him and try to fix it but he doesn’t show me any courtesy of listening to what I have to say or how I am feeling 

You are right, they are silly little things. Certainly not big enough issues to be getting all stroppy about. But they do show deeper underlying issues....like taking his wife and marriage for granted....and sorry to say it, a loss of love and attraction....

Yes difficult situation with the kids. I'm not from a broken home myself so can't really comment on that one, but definitely agree that you don't want them growing up thinking that this is how married life is s'posed to be!

 

I understand that (most) parents will try to do all they can to protect and raise their children, however, healthy parents breed healthy kids so we need to address YOUR needs and concerns now ya.

 

It's not going to be enough to post on a forum like this (although it's a great first step). Something needs to change otherwise it's not going to improve. And it will eventually get to a point where it either wears you into the ground and you become a depressed mess, or you realise "That's it! I've had enough!"......And by the sounds of it, the first changes are going to have to come from you*

So let's start with this: Are you physically afraid of your husband? Perhaps you need to schedule a time to actually sit down with him and (calmly) discuss how your feeling....How does that make you 'feel'....?

If you can somehow break through his glass house, I would assume that he mostly doesn't even realise how he behaves or the effect it's having on his wife.....

As an example: I hate it when couples bicker in front of me. You know those snide little jabs they take at each other.....And when I pull them up on it, most of the time they're like "Gosh. Didn't even realise we were doing that!".....because it has become a habit slowly over time right?

Sending You Strength JJ*
Regards
Carus*