Hello fellow members. I should start by saying that writing the
following is me at my most vulnerable, and is not something I have even
considered doing before. I'm a 28 year old male. Please forgive me if
this comes across the wrong way, but if a st...
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Hello fellow members. I should start by saying that writing the
following is me at my most vulnerable, and is not something I have even
considered doing before. I'm a 28 year old male. Please forgive me if
this comes across the wrong way, but if a stranger were to look at me on
paper, they would probably deduce that I am happy and successful. I have
worked very hard throughout university and my career, I managed to save
up and buy a house, cars, have travelled extensively, I have an
established career and a good relationship with my girlfriend of 5
years. Throughout my early 20's I forged ahead with what I thought was
an impenetrable strength. An 'I can conquer anything' attitude. I tried
to engineer my life and plan extensively so that I would avoid
suffering, hurt or uncertainty. Some may read this and think I have
nothing to worry about. Indeed, I have tried to tell myself this many
times over. And yet, for the past 1.5 years, I have been trying to
manage my way through what is by far the hardest period of my life. It
started with health-related anxiety, which spiraled into a cycle of
anxiety symptoms feeding others, me worrying about those, that causing a
loss of sleep, which led to feelings of depression, and so on. At its
worst, I would contemplate thoughts of suicide and had no idea what was
happening to me, and how I could 'fix' it, like I could solve other
problems in my life and at work. More recently, the realities of ageing
have hit me like a freight train. I am seeing friends get married, start
families, all with a seemingly carefree ease and what feels like
unobtainable level of happiness. Good young 'Aussie blokes' following
life's path without too much care or concern. I have become extremely
worried and confused about my future with my mind spinning relentlessly
not knowing if I want children or not, worrying about my parents ageing,
and feeling very little confidence or faith in whatever path I choose.
My thinking about the future and making sure I 'get it right' has become
obsessive. I am barely mentally present at work, I can't sleep properly
(wake up with panic attacks throughout the night, getting about 3-4
hours at best), and although my girlfriend is supportive (bless her), I
worry about dragging her through my relentless sadness. I am really
struggling.