Meds are making me worse....
- replies: 3
I'm really not doing great today. I haven't been doing great all week. i had a bit of a breakdown a few weeks ago. I'm a nurse, I work in intensive care, and my anxiety, which I've had most of my life had been growing out of control over the last few... View more
I'm really not doing great today. I haven't been doing great all week. i had a bit of a breakdown a few weeks ago. I'm a nurse, I work in intensive care, and my anxiety, which I've had most of my life had been growing out of control over the last few months.I thought I had been unlucky enough to pick up three rounds of gastro since July - but the reality is the concept of going to work and what that day will bring is making me physically ill, with vomiting and diarrhoea. My GP prescribed me a benzo, and an antidepressant. The anti-depressant was meant to make me restless, instead it made me sleepy - but bareably so (I haven't been able to sleep much lately so I thought this was a good thing). Last week on Wednesday I was meant to titrated my dose up of the antidepressant - doubling it, which I did. I had night shifts thurs /fri / sat / sun. Thursday night was terrible. I was literally propping my eyes open all night, clumsy, yawning continuously and completely petrified that I would miss something and my patient would die. But even that fear couldn't clear the fog.I am not suicidal, I haven't been in over 15 years - but very black thoughts crept in. They haven't gone away. I went cold turkey off my meds to be safe looking after patients for the rest of my night shift, and recommended on my starting dose on Monday night. But I'm just in a foggy, completely unmotivated stupor. It isn't helping me. I can't do even the simplest of things. I am hating myself so much right now. My husband wants me to take a notepad and pen out to a park and just sit and write - because I love writing - but I am petrified of what will come out - of how dark that will be. That if I read what I write.... Things may just be too dark to go on. Mathis stupid fog is as bad as Thursday night right now, a week ago. I've called in sick for work today. I told myself is get some things done. Housework, Christmas shopping, anything. But I'm paralysed. I just want to lie in bed and cry all day. I know now things aren't going to get better unless I start doing things. That the overwhelm just gets compounded through inaction, but I can't make myself do a single thing and I hate it so much. I feel weak and useless and pathetic and just so lost and stuck. Im hoping and praying my period starts today so I can put some of this blackness down to PMS, go eat a bucket of chocolate and feel better.