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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Green_Glade Daughters Despair
  • replies: 3

Hi - I'm new to the whole online thing so please accept my apologies if this is not the correct place and thank you for allowing me to share. I have a daughter who is going through a rough time at the moment. She is 15. She has a good (or what seems ... View more

Hi - I'm new to the whole online thing so please accept my apologies if this is not the correct place and thank you for allowing me to share. I have a daughter who is going through a rough time at the moment. She is 15. She has a good (or what seems to me to be good) friendship group at school - majority of them are boys with the only two females being her and her friend. Recently one of the boys has said he would like a relationship with my daughter who has politely told him no but has found it very awkward with him being "one of her friends". This young man has consistently pushed my daughter to try and get her "to go out" with him but only by private messaging her - never says anything to her at school. Our concern is that he is now saying he is struggling and wants to die and has been thinking of doing so for a while - but by her entering a relationship with him it would make him happy. My daughter is beside herself as she is so scared that he will harm himself if she is too firm with him about no relationship. I suggested that for now we take off his personal Instagram messages to her so that she isn't receiving these unwanted advances. It is really affecting her now - she's not sleeping, I noticed her eating less than normal and I am now also taking her to school and she's not getting the bus in order to avoid him. It is just so so terribly distressing seeing her like this and we just don't know what to do as neither of us have the tools to deal with this. We don't want to be really abrupt with him and push him over the edge but he's not taking no for an answer either. We sat together and drew up a message to send to him when he mentioned about wanting to die, telling him that if he really feels that way he needs to speak to a trained professional if he can't talk to his parents (who I don't know). Has anyone else had similar experiences and how did you deal with it? I am trying at the moment to get her into speak to a youth counsellor as she has asked to speak to someone. Thank you from a very stressed mother

SteamedZucchini_CousCous How to be a good wife...?
  • replies: 4

Hi there, so I am struggling being a good/productive support for my husband. I believe he is battling a decent bout of depression and anxiety and actively self medicates daily with alcohol. When we were younger, both of us would drink pretty heavily ... View more

Hi there, so I am struggling being a good/productive support for my husband. I believe he is battling a decent bout of depression and anxiety and actively self medicates daily with alcohol. When we were younger, both of us would drink pretty heavily so I feel he doesn't see this as an issue (I don't really drink now). We are relatively new parents so I guess I end up feeling alone in our journey and that he doesn't care. Which, deep down, I know isn't the case. Recently, my husband has started to smoke on occasion which is upsetting because he did such an amazing job quitting while I was pregnant - he hadn't smoked in over a year. I find this especially difficult because I feel he is choosing smoking/drinking/himself over our baby and myself. Almost daily I end up becoming pouty and sullen and he reacts saying that he doesn't need the judgement or the disappointment. Usually resulting in 'the silent treatment' which can last up to a week. (He's just started another round after not coming to bed last night...) I am finding it difficult to keep positive for him as well as caring for our baby 24/7. He then goes on to react saying that he doesn't need to live with my negativity and threatens to leave. It has noticeably become worse since having our daughter and has morbidly affected our physical relationship as well as our emotional. Please, I would be so appreciative for some advice or anything to be able to actively support my husband. I think I need to be told exactly what to do or say (so I don't deviate and make it worse, like usual...). I should also mention that he is the sole breadwinner in our household and we run our own business. He has told me that he is struggling with extreme feelings of anger at work and says it's only a matter of time before he acts out. He is not happy with where the business is either. I miss my husband and I am worried that he is missing out on our baby. I love him so much.

trying-to-find-peace Break up or not break up?
  • replies: 2

Hi, first time poster here. I should start by explaining some background. I have been with my partner for over a year now. We share a fun and loving relationship most of the time and share a lot of aspirations for our future together. However not eve... View more

Hi, first time poster here. I should start by explaining some background. I have been with my partner for over a year now. We share a fun and loving relationship most of the time and share a lot of aspirations for our future together. However not everything has been rosy. My partner struggles with intense Depression. He has been medicated but often in the past has been off and on his tablets. For a long time he has tried to self medicate with drugs and alcohol. Spending time with the “wrong crowd” That itself has put a lot of strain on us in the past.. as I am very anti-drugs. I have been his rock. I truly have always tried to be as supportive as I can, because I love him. Some background on myself, I used to struggle with bad bad depression when I was a young teenager. Nowadays it’s more anxiety that gets to me. I have always had issues with myself but I have always found myself in friendships/relationships.. trying to help someone else rather than care for myself too. Two years ago - My mother died by suicide. This is an obvious pain in my heart that is always there. She was my bestfriend. A month ago - my partner tried to do the same thing. My partner was admitted to hospital (special care unit) He has since been released and had all these wonderful goals to turn his life around. Fast forward to now, ever since he left hospital, he’s been back on the drink. Drinking heavily with his medication. Lashing out and getting very verbal. I am frustrated. I am angry and disappointed that he is not trying to better himself. I have tried to help him but all this is taking a massive toll on my mental health now too. Everyday I wake up sick to my stomach and I can feel the stress crushing my body. I am scared that it won’t get better. I am scared he won’t keep up with his therapy programs or make healthy life choices when I am not there. I am scared one day with a mix of alcohol and drugs in his system, he could try to harm himself in front of me... or maybe even hurt me too. Although there is no past of physical violence, the way he speaks and gets angry is enough to scare me. I love him with all my heart... but when is enough, enough? When do I need to draw the line and start looking after me? How could I care for me when I spend so much time and energy on him? Thank you

Anroca78 Mr and Mrs Panic and Manic. 14 yrs. The high and lows
  • replies: 1

Hi, So I met my man 14yrs ago. I was 27,he was 47. Many thought our age gap would be challenging. They were wrong. First 4 months of relationship, he was hospitalised for Severe Anxiety. He was suc6a great guy but the illness robbed him of many enjoy... View more

Hi, So I met my man 14yrs ago. I was 27,he was 47. Many thought our age gap would be challenging. They were wrong. First 4 months of relationship, he was hospitalised for Severe Anxiety. He was suc6a great guy but the illness robbed him of many enjoyable moments for a few months. I was told many times by him that I can leave. I loved him more. The next few months was getting him back and I got to finally see the guy I knew exsisted. Our sense of humour was awesome when were together. MI is unpredictable so when things are stable you have to make the most of the time. Many people saw me as young and having to look after him. My mum was worried that I would have a carer relationship only with him. It had been 7yrs since I lived with mum. She wasn't aware that I had problems too.

mysonneedshelp My son needs nelp
  • replies: 2

My son is about to turn 20, he doesnt smile any more, has pushed his mates away and alienated his family. He just quit his job. Sleeps all day. Drinks and smokes when he is awake. He is angry at the world. He used to see a psychologists when he was i... View more

My son is about to turn 20, he doesnt smile any more, has pushed his mates away and alienated his family. He just quit his job. Sleeps all day. Drinks and smokes when he is awake. He is angry at the world. He used to see a psychologists when he was in primary school, we have always had behavioural issues growing up. I think he needs medication now as he is a harm to others and possibly himself

worriedwife8786 I don’t know how to help
  • replies: 2

Hi My husband has had depression and anxiety our whole relationship which I’ve always tried my best to be there for him. It is very hard for me to get him to open up as he typically bottles all his feelings and emotions and will eventually just snap ... View more

Hi My husband has had depression and anxiety our whole relationship which I’ve always tried my best to be there for him. It is very hard for me to get him to open up as he typically bottles all his feelings and emotions and will eventually just snap and see red with anger. In our whole relationship (11 years) there has only been 4 occasions that I have been on the receiving end of his anger, and I’ve always been forgiving as I know he can’t control himself. However, we have recently just had our first child together and he had one of these fits of anger where our child’s safety was compromised. Since then, I have pushed him to open up with me regularly about how he’s feeling as I’m at a point now where I feel our relationship (and his relationship with our child) is dependent on it. What I am really struggling with now is what to say to him to help. He gets very low some days and has suicidal thoughts, and when he tells me about them, I don’t know what to say or how to help him feel better about himself. Also, as he has no sense of self worth or self love, he tells me his happiness is dependent on me, which puts a lot of pressure on me. I’m just feeling a bit lost in my current situation as I don’t know how to help him when he is low as well as communicate my frustration with him without risking him feeling worthless again. Thanks I

J0sh Older Brother finally agreed to see a psychologist but he has conditions
  • replies: 1

Older brother is 33 and is a strong silent type, he is natural intellect and has a thirst for knowledge. I have always believed he has been somewhat depressed for essentially his entire adulthood. I have noticed major changes over the last 7 years in... View more

Older brother is 33 and is a strong silent type, he is natural intellect and has a thirst for knowledge. I have always believed he has been somewhat depressed for essentially his entire adulthood. I have noticed major changes over the last 7 years in which he started his family and now has three young daughters. I wont go much into his story but he is incredibly intelligent and a wonderful man, he came to me over a year ago telling me everyone has high and low days high and low happiness etc but he never has happy days. That he is ready to end his life and start a fresh. He is the sort of person who refuses to use anyone for help let it be tradespeople for his house or a doctor for a injury, he researches what the problem is and how to fix and it does exactly that. Around 5 years ago he got into drugs and psychedelics and brought it to me, we dabbled in it over 12 months or so picking mushrooms, and buying acid because he believed what he read that it would free his mind remove his inner monologue etc but to be honest I think he was just very interested in it and the prospect of understanding what life is and why we have to play. One day he was sold something an incredibly dangerous drug. He overdosed on it and it is still to this day the most scary thing that has ever happened to me to have to witness it ( and we took the same amount!). Anyways he has never been the same and to give some insights into some of the pain he is in he tells me that certain content or things in his day to day can trigger that memory of over dosing and that he has had to run full pelt down the side of the highway to keep it from taking him over again is one example. Whenever we drink together I bring all conversations back to making him see a psychologist even if only to humor me, as of course he does not believe a psychologist has any clue how to fix him. Finally I have gotten an agreement that he will see one but on the condition that the psychologist has taken psychedelics before.... can anyone recommend someone? Maybe someone knows someone who has had a drug and substance problem and turned their life around? Just looking for recommendations Thanks alot Josh

Zoe22 Ways to forgive and heal from someone with depression who has hurt and abandoned you?
  • replies: 6

I'm struggling to find ways to forgive and heal from a loved one with depression who has hurt me multiple times over the past two years. When things get too emotional, he will shut down and withdraw completely from the situation. It's hard because th... View more

I'm struggling to find ways to forgive and heal from a loved one with depression who has hurt me multiple times over the past two years. When things get too emotional, he will shut down and withdraw completely from the situation. It's hard because that's when I needed him the most. I'm finally realizing that he wasn't there for me when I needed him. Sometimes anger and sadness will come in waves when I think about all of the times I've felt let down. Everytime it happened it made me feel unloved and abandoned. Currently we aren't talking as it has gotten to the point where it is emotionally toxic for both of us as nothing seems to change. I've been trying to keep really busy and active. Sometimes I'll go to meditation or yoga classes but it's hard to quiet the mind and stop all the emotions. Does anyone have activities that have helped them forgive and heal? How long does it take to heal from all of this? Are you ever completely healed?

Debbie1561 CANT FIND A NAME FOR WHAT'S WRONG.
  • replies: 3

My name is Debbie, I'm 58 years old, and my son is 27. I love my son but I don't like him..not at all, in fact I can honestly say. I hate him, and this breaks my heart, fills me with such despair, but I have tried for so long and so hard to help him.... View more

My name is Debbie, I'm 58 years old, and my son is 27. I love my son but I don't like him..not at all, in fact I can honestly say. I hate him, and this breaks my heart, fills me with such despair, but I have tried for so long and so hard to help him. Things are just getting worse, and I really don't know what to do anymore, or if l'm honest, I do know what to do, but l'm scared of what that outcome will be. My son has always had problems, was always a bit sad, had trouble at school. We tried all the conventional help that is offered. Psychologists, therapists, speech, occupational therapy.. we got him thru school. He was never a very confident person, still isn't. People know this and take advantage of him and he thinks they are his friends, but when they have what they want they usually just leave him. Breaks my heart, have tried explaining things to him, but in his words..I don't know shit. Anyway years go by..drugs, fights at home, Avo's..lots of damage to our home, but we still allowed him to stay at home. Jobs few and far between..more drugs..ICE..very, very bad drug. And so we come to present time. I have allowed him to stay in the home as I can't see him living on the streets, also, he wont leave, and unless I forcible remove him by the police he will not leave, and then if he did, I don't trust him not to damage the house even more. He has two court proceedings atm, 1, for the assistance in selling drugs, and 2. for having stolen goods in his poccession. I thought he had stopped using ICE and was just smoking cannabis..that didn't last long. His room which had be newly painted and carpet put down is like some drug den from a bad old movie. Im his mother and the things he calls me are disgusting. For the most part I ignore as I know he wants a response, but the last 2 weeks have been so bad. I told him he didn't know the meaning of respect. Its not just name calling, lots of things going on. Why am I writing here? I'm stuck, I feel sick, Im enabling his behaviour, BUT, l don't know what to do..I am a shell of what I used to be, and I really dont know how much more I can take... I loose my son no matter what I do.. Thanks for taking the time to read, any help/suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Deb

Despairing_Dad Psychotic son
  • replies: 9

I have a 30-year-old son who left home about 10 years ago. Unknown to me, he had been taking cannabis since his late teens. He lost interest in his University course and dropped out, preferring the thrill of cannabis. He tried MDMA once but was hospi... View more

I have a 30-year-old son who left home about 10 years ago. Unknown to me, he had been taking cannabis since his late teens. He lost interest in his University course and dropped out, preferring the thrill of cannabis. He tried MDMA once but was hospitalized with a seizure. A few years ago he came back home in a psychotic state. He spent 6 weeks in a secure psychiatric unit, diagnosed with drug-induced psychosis. He was a lot better when he came out, though somewhat robotic; he moved in with a new girlfriend, started a new job, and was on low dose of anti-psychotic medication which a year later he started to taper. Since then he has had three further psychotic episodes, each 6-18 months apart. The first seems to have been triggered by an argument with his girlfriend. The second was triggered by a return to cannabis, after he convinced himself that it wasn't to blame for his earlier psychosis. Now he is psychotic again. He is too "spaced out" to say what the trigger was, but he enjoys his weekends most when drunk so this was a likely factor. After Episode 3 he left his clean-living girlfriend, forswore alcohol (but only for a couple of months), and started vaping. During the current episode he went back to his girlfriend for comfort, and she got him to restart medication. Otherwise his psychosis worsens each day; he needs to take it for a few weeks before being weaned off it. He is becoming reluctant to take it, though he denies any side-effects, and there is some doubt that he really is taking it this time. The recurring bouts of psychosis are concerning. During the current episode he crashed his motorbike, albeit unintentionally. This is not a sustainable lifestyle. Do we just wait until he or an innocent bystander gets injured, perhaps fatally? He has seen several psychologists. He likes those that absolve him of blame, and dislikes those who suggest moderation in drinking or drug-counselling. In any case, he disregards their recommendations. It might help if he had to report daily to a pathology-centre, to have a blood-test for alcohol, nicotine, or other mind-altering drugs, with a week's confinement as penalty for breach. This would eliminate the main psychosis-trigger & allow his mental state to be monitored. Is there such a facility? What do you suggest?