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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Zoe22 Ways to forgive and heal from someone with depression who has hurt and abandoned you?
  • replies: 6

I'm struggling to find ways to forgive and heal from a loved one with depression who has hurt me multiple times over the past two years. When things get too emotional, he will shut down and withdraw completely from the situation. It's hard because th... View more

I'm struggling to find ways to forgive and heal from a loved one with depression who has hurt me multiple times over the past two years. When things get too emotional, he will shut down and withdraw completely from the situation. It's hard because that's when I needed him the most. I'm finally realizing that he wasn't there for me when I needed him. Sometimes anger and sadness will come in waves when I think about all of the times I've felt let down. Everytime it happened it made me feel unloved and abandoned. Currently we aren't talking as it has gotten to the point where it is emotionally toxic for both of us as nothing seems to change. I've been trying to keep really busy and active. Sometimes I'll go to meditation or yoga classes but it's hard to quiet the mind and stop all the emotions. Does anyone have activities that have helped them forgive and heal? How long does it take to heal from all of this? Are you ever completely healed?

Debbie1561 CANT FIND A NAME FOR WHAT'S WRONG.
  • replies: 3

My name is Debbie, I'm 58 years old, and my son is 27. I love my son but I don't like him..not at all, in fact I can honestly say. I hate him, and this breaks my heart, fills me with such despair, but I have tried for so long and so hard to help him.... View more

My name is Debbie, I'm 58 years old, and my son is 27. I love my son but I don't like him..not at all, in fact I can honestly say. I hate him, and this breaks my heart, fills me with such despair, but I have tried for so long and so hard to help him. Things are just getting worse, and I really don't know what to do anymore, or if l'm honest, I do know what to do, but l'm scared of what that outcome will be. My son has always had problems, was always a bit sad, had trouble at school. We tried all the conventional help that is offered. Psychologists, therapists, speech, occupational therapy.. we got him thru school. He was never a very confident person, still isn't. People know this and take advantage of him and he thinks they are his friends, but when they have what they want they usually just leave him. Breaks my heart, have tried explaining things to him, but in his words..I don't know shit. Anyway years go by..drugs, fights at home, Avo's..lots of damage to our home, but we still allowed him to stay at home. Jobs few and far between..more drugs..ICE..very, very bad drug. And so we come to present time. I have allowed him to stay in the home as I can't see him living on the streets, also, he wont leave, and unless I forcible remove him by the police he will not leave, and then if he did, I don't trust him not to damage the house even more. He has two court proceedings atm, 1, for the assistance in selling drugs, and 2. for having stolen goods in his poccession. I thought he had stopped using ICE and was just smoking cannabis..that didn't last long. His room which had be newly painted and carpet put down is like some drug den from a bad old movie. Im his mother and the things he calls me are disgusting. For the most part I ignore as I know he wants a response, but the last 2 weeks have been so bad. I told him he didn't know the meaning of respect. Its not just name calling, lots of things going on. Why am I writing here? I'm stuck, I feel sick, Im enabling his behaviour, BUT, l don't know what to do..I am a shell of what I used to be, and I really dont know how much more I can take... I loose my son no matter what I do.. Thanks for taking the time to read, any help/suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Deb

Despairing_Dad Psychotic son
  • replies: 9

I have a 30-year-old son who left home about 10 years ago. Unknown to me, he had been taking cannabis since his late teens. He lost interest in his University course and dropped out, preferring the thrill of cannabis. He tried MDMA once but was hospi... View more

I have a 30-year-old son who left home about 10 years ago. Unknown to me, he had been taking cannabis since his late teens. He lost interest in his University course and dropped out, preferring the thrill of cannabis. He tried MDMA once but was hospitalized with a seizure. A few years ago he came back home in a psychotic state. He spent 6 weeks in a secure psychiatric unit, diagnosed with drug-induced psychosis. He was a lot better when he came out, though somewhat robotic; he moved in with a new girlfriend, started a new job, and was on low dose of anti-psychotic medication which a year later he started to taper. Since then he has had three further psychotic episodes, each 6-18 months apart. The first seems to have been triggered by an argument with his girlfriend. The second was triggered by a return to cannabis, after he convinced himself that it wasn't to blame for his earlier psychosis. Now he is psychotic again. He is too "spaced out" to say what the trigger was, but he enjoys his weekends most when drunk so this was a likely factor. After Episode 3 he left his clean-living girlfriend, forswore alcohol (but only for a couple of months), and started vaping. During the current episode he went back to his girlfriend for comfort, and she got him to restart medication. Otherwise his psychosis worsens each day; he needs to take it for a few weeks before being weaned off it. He is becoming reluctant to take it, though he denies any side-effects, and there is some doubt that he really is taking it this time. The recurring bouts of psychosis are concerning. During the current episode he crashed his motorbike, albeit unintentionally. This is not a sustainable lifestyle. Do we just wait until he or an innocent bystander gets injured, perhaps fatally? He has seen several psychologists. He likes those that absolve him of blame, and dislikes those who suggest moderation in drinking or drug-counselling. In any case, he disregards their recommendations. It might help if he had to report daily to a pathology-centre, to have a blood-test for alcohol, nicotine, or other mind-altering drugs, with a week's confinement as penalty for breach. This would eliminate the main psychosis-trigger & allow his mental state to be monitored. Is there such a facility? What do you suggest?

NahiV How to best help my husband?
  • replies: 2

Hello, My husband who has been diagonsed with paranoid schizophrenia in 2010, has not been taking his medications. To be fair, the anti pyschotic he was prescibred was not really helping him either, as he still had some episodes (some paranoia, never... View more

Hello, My husband who has been diagonsed with paranoid schizophrenia in 2010, has not been taking his medications. To be fair, the anti pyschotic he was prescibred was not really helping him either, as he still had some episodes (some paranoia, never violent but he gets depressed, anxious and paranoid about family members). We live with his family as I dont have a job yet so cant move out at the moment, He stopped taking his medications in July, and so far he's been okay, albeit withdrawn from the rest of the family besides me. He also feels angry sometimes, a bit irrationally and requires lots of space. While I am understanding enough to give him what he needs (he is a bit off with his mum and dad, doesnt communicate much with them as he feels he doesnt have anything to say to them?), his dad gets impatient. Like he is just like "Why cant he act normal?" Umm because he isnt normal? At the moment my husband isnt seeing a psychiatrist because he doesnt want to be prescribed with medications. He is sweet and loving to me, and loves being with me and is fine as long as I am with him and supporting him. But I just dont know what to do. What can i do to help him? I dont want to appear hostile by suggesting to see a pyschiatrist again, and we are trying to see a psychologist or a therapist to talk to. Somedays he's just spacey and distant, and while I never pressure him to get a job (encourage him to do what he wants to, and focus on his health), his family keep asking me what plans he has for the future. They keep asking me "Has he been good today?" which I find off putting, like him being unwell is him being bad?? His parents are lovely people, but they are not very flexible and get upset whenever my husband isnt acting "normally". Please help. I just want to be able to get a full time job and afford to move both of us out of here, but until then how do I manage? How can i help my husband? Thank you.

Tigerz Help with my child....
  • replies: 1

Hi all, like many parents I am going thorough teenage years with 2 girls. My youngest is a pretty happy child and doesn’t give me any problems. however my 16 years old has been having problems for over 2 years now. A couple of years ago she declared ... View more

Hi all, like many parents I am going thorough teenage years with 2 girls. My youngest is a pretty happy child and doesn’t give me any problems. however my 16 years old has been having problems for over 2 years now. A couple of years ago she declared to be transgender (from being a girl she thinks she is a boy). As she was having panic attacks I took her to the doctor and then a psychologist. With the psychologist we decided she would wait until the end of high school and if she then was still feeling transgender to do something about it. The psychologist diagnosed her with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. We stopped seeing the psychologist as anyway she wasn’t following the suggestions given. She is very socially awkward (probably due to the fact that she is not comfortable in her skin) and spends all her time at home. She never goes out, doesn’t practice any sport. Even when she bunked school she was still staying home. She spends way too much on social media and YouTube. I feel powerless and angry. I feel resentful towards my husband as him and his family have mental issues. However, my daughter always and only seeks my support. She never goes to her father and expresses her anxieties. Whenever she wants to talk she only comes to me. At least she comes to me, instead of keeping it inside I suppose, but it’s taking a tall on me. I am suspecting that my behaviour is that I want to refuse the reality. I don’t want her to take any medications to change her body, as I know that are side effects. I wish she was more independent and she was like majority of the kids. That she was going out and getting into normal trouble, such as being late. anyway we are going to doctor tomorrow as she is saying she feeling even more unmotivated and depressed....

NessieT Teen Son Mental Health
  • replies: 2

Hi Guys, Firstly please forgive me if this ends up long but would love some tips etc. My 18 yr old son was recently officially diagnosed with anxiety. I too have anxiety so I was not surprised exactly. He was put on medication 2 weeks ago and I am ho... View more

Hi Guys, Firstly please forgive me if this ends up long but would love some tips etc. My 18 yr old son was recently officially diagnosed with anxiety. I too have anxiety so I was not surprised exactly. He was put on medication 2 weeks ago and I am hoping this helps along with continuing to see a psychologist. What I am struggling with in his over analysis of his thoughts and feelings and his constant worry that he is a bad person. It is not unusual for him to check himself with us frequently, for instance, we have been asked; could I be a sociopath, psychopath etc, could this be cancer. He brought up a very normally developmental event from when he was little where he and another child looked at each other without clothes. Both children were of similar age and development and he started worrying if that makes him a sexual predator. This then started his thoughts going crazy about whether it meant he was sick in the head, how do you know mum, does someone just wake up and do this sort of thing? We spend time talking this through and he was like the idea repulses me but Im scared mum do people just snap and do bad things. I made the mistake of talking about my father in law one day snapping - I was referring to his breakdown due to PTSD. My son was like, what do you mean, do you just wake up and lose the plot and hurt people or do bad things. I said no he never did that, he was very sad and couldn't cope after an incident at work. Then with the recent news of the mentally ill person stabbing someone he starting having anxiety saying, mum do mentally ill people just do that, do they wake up one day and lose the plot. He has himself in knots worried he will wake up a bad person one day. He suffered with bad separation anxiety from us when he was about 11 etc whereby we couldn't move the cars around out the front without him panicking to check that we were leaving. He has hypochondria as well. He has always been a bit awkward and we have had this checked in an assessment which didn't identify much else besides anxiety. Thankfully he has a job, he has a psychologist but he has a very small friendship group that are all very 'nerdy' and don't really get out and do much. I just don't know what to do. How to guide him to becoming an independent and healthy adult and to help him stop these runaway worries. Thanks

Sweetcheeks1 Hi I’m new here
  • replies: 2

I’m looking for ways to support my partner who has depression. I don’t want to nag him

I’m looking for ways to support my partner who has depression. I don’t want to nag him

B_Jenkins My Girlfriend hates her life and it’s destroying me
  • replies: 1

so these past few months have been mentally some of the worst months of my life, not only have I been super depressed as a result of school-related anxiety etc. my girlfriend has also been crumbling along with me. I’m in year 12, and in 1 month I wil... View more

so these past few months have been mentally some of the worst months of my life, not only have I been super depressed as a result of school-related anxiety etc. my girlfriend has also been crumbling along with me. I’m in year 12, and in 1 month I will be doing my HSC, meaning this is the most frustrating, scary, anxiety-ridden experience of my life, and my girlfriend ( who is in the year below ) is also severely depressed. She has a very busy schedule, and we only get a chance to hang out on weekend nights. As a result of this she is always tired, sad, angry, anxious and so on and so forth. I try my hardest to take care of her; I listen, I care, I suggest, I comfort, but being in the midst of the HSC I’m also struggling and am finding it very hard to cope with everything going on. I’ve thought about ending the relationship, but I love her unimaginably and can’t do it solely because of a few months. Yet everyday, she gets worse and worse, and therefore I get worse and worse. She will tell me almost every night how she hates every aspect of her life, how she hates always being tired, always being sad, and straight up hates herself. I try to help but nothing I do makes her feel any better, she just shrugs it off and gets frustrated with me, hence making me stressed and having to prove my care for her. She’s not a bad person, like at all, but she is making me feel like I am because i can’t help. I’ve told her to try and free up some space; like telling her to maybe drop her dancing classes or soccer because that’s why she’s always tired and never has any time, but she’s been giving the same excuses of “it’s almost over” or “i used to be fine doing them all” for months now. I simply don’t know what to do, and because it’s not getting worse I’m scared she’s going to hurt herself

IggyPiggle BPD teenager
  • replies: 2

Hi I was wondering if there were any particular forums that helped parents with handling the stress and anxiety of raising a BPD teenager? Thanks

Hi I was wondering if there were any particular forums that helped parents with handling the stress and anxiety of raising a BPD teenager? Thanks

Emma_Dilemma Husband has bipolar/depression and won’t seek help
  • replies: 3

Hi - long post sorry I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years now & was unaware of how serious his mental health issues were until after marriage. He has bipolar depression. He has really low self esteem, no communication skills , & doesn’t think ... View more

Hi - long post sorry I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years now & was unaware of how serious his mental health issues were until after marriage. He has bipolar depression. He has really low self esteem, no communication skills , & doesn’t think counseling will help. He is on medication daily, but has told me before that he has suicidal thoughts nearly every day. He has in the past , when he was drinking heavily , been verbally abusive and often asked me to end his life for him. We have a 15 m/o who he loves, but he hates my family & I have to make excuses for him not being Around.I don’t expect him to attend all events but I do the same for his family. He can enjoy time with his family and friends but when it comes to mine- he disappears.when I ask him to talk to me about it he won’t,I feel like he is lying. I am very close to my family and this kills me. He also is very tired most of the time, he is on a sleep apnea machine, & if I need help with the baby he flat out just says no he’s too tired. In the past when I was worried he was suicidal I checked his phone once , & found messages to a family member saying how he thinks my family is crazy and how I need therapy - I have actually had counseling after having our baby because his anxiety and depression was feeding into my own anxiety. I am much stronger for it. I am now always checking his phone and he deletes everything mutual friends have messaged me & told me that he has said to them about how my family is crazy, & how I’m the one who needs counseling. When I question as to why he is talking to others & not me he can’t answer me. i feel at a loss. I loved my husband but as I was unaware of this condition until after marriage, I feel stuck. I feel like the person I thought he was - a happy social person who loved being around my friends and family with me - either doesn’t exist or was lying to me this whole time. I have been begging him for the past 5 years to seek help. I had a conversation the other night with him- a hard one , I told him that I need him to understand I can’t continue to be lonely in marriage & this is not what i thought marriage with him would be like. I told him that I loved him but that I have a lot of red flags & if he doesn’t learn how to take care of himself that I would take my daughter and leave. i know that was probably the wrong choice of words & have never threatened leaving before but I’m wondering if I’m wasting my time trying to get him to understand help