Too many balls to juggle

pelipeti · ‎27-08-2019

My daughter is currently home from overseas for 6 weeks on emergency leave with severe depression - talk of suicide. Her younger brother has always had a lot of emotional problems and we have all had a very trying time with him. He too has been living overseas but is about to come home. Dates can’t be changed. He and his sister loathe each other so timing could not be worse. She is very distressed that just when she needed some time to regroup that has been denied her. BIG arguments .. my husband has told her essentially “Take it or move out!”. She is distraught - called him some vile names - tried to apologise and he has ignored her and told her to get out. He is now being surly and vile to both of us.

Don’t know what to do - so scared she will leave and not come back. And how does this make my son and his new wife feel- initially they will have to live here till they establish themselves.

Aaagh!!

Croix · ‎27-08-2019

Dear Pelipeti~

Welcome to the forum. I'm pleased you could come here, other's perspectives can sometimes help, I do hope so.

There are so many things to talk about, how to deal with a daughter who has suicidal thoughts and depression, how to cope with a son -and daughter in law- where they may be bringing problems with them, how to get all three to live together.

Each of those would take a while to start to discuss, however reading your words it seems from the outside your husband is the current and most urgent problem.

If he could be at least cooperative and not negative it would give you a chance at the other problems (which you are welcome to discuss here too). One quick thought is your younger son and DIL might short-term rent elsewhere - would that be a possibility?

OK, as the person that knows your husband best what do you think might be strategies to make him cooperate?

In fairness it is a lot to take on board, and can seem overwhelming or even frightening but even so he needs to support you -that is what marriage is all about, and in this instance supporting you means helping in the situation, not trying to drive the whole problem away.

I do not know you circumstances or what your options are. If he was willing joint counseling might help. I'd give Relationships Australia a ring (1300 364 277) and see what is available in your area.

Does he have others he would listen to that might persuade hime to a different view?

Do you have other support, family or a friend perhaps? Having someone on your side who cares makes a big difference.

Please come back and say what you think

Croix

pelipeti · ‎28-08-2019

Thank you for your understanding and suggestions. But he sees that as a ridiculous idea - HE is fine .. WE are all the ones with problems. If everyone around you is depressed anxious and not coping maybe YOU are part of the problem !!!! I am very stressed right now 😥

Croix · ‎28-08-2019

Dear Pelipeti~

That is very disappointing, if he can see you are suffering it makes one wonder why he lets it continue - maybe I'm being a bit harsh - dunno.

I guess if he won't cooperate and you cannot change that at the moment I'd still try for outside support -for you. Relationships Australia may still be useful. Your stress levels are only going to get worse. You have to be able to live a reasonable life and cope.

Looking from the outside it is hard to know what are viable options. Can you and your daughter for instance, stay with a relative for the 6 weeks she is here?

I'd also suggest you try to reduce your own stress so as to be better able to cope, if you have a look at

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts

then follow the links you feel appropriate, perhaps anxiety. There is wealth of information, including ways to live and do things to reduce stress. They are sensible and practical.

What do you think is the next thing to try with your son about to arrive?

Croix