Father of Two Sons in trouble

[Froffies94]

G'day Everyone,

im looking for some help and hopefully somewhere to start.

Ill try and be quick, My 60+ year old father has been dealing with depression for along time but over the past year has had a few things come up which have sent him into a dark dark place.

He had a stroke back in November, gave up the cigs and hasn't looked back. (So happy for him on this)

But since March or so he has been very dull and starting to separate himself from his friends and family. We spoke every morning on the way to work since 2012-2013 and lately its a quick 60 second call and he cant get off the phone to me quick enough.

He is on anti depression drugs and other medication prescribed by his dct. for his blood and whatnot but is taking them with a few glasses of wine every night to make sure they kick in quicker.

He has seen a psychologist twice and has now stopped because he said he gets nothing out of it and its a waste.

He used to speak with his best mate on the phone every morning and now has been ignoring his calls for the past month and we are all worried about what to do to help him.

Sorry for the long rant but just getting started seems such a tough place at the moment.

Cheers,
Froffies!

[Swan_13]

Hey Froffies,

I just wanted to say first off that your dad is very lucky to have you looking out for him. It would be extremely hard to see him begin to distance himself from people that were so important to him.

Do you think he may be having a hard time transitioning into this next stage of his life and making adjustments? Maybe he fears the uncertainty of what the next few years might look like for him…

It sounds like he has support around him, which is great, even if he doesn’t want to engage right now. I know you're worried about him and want to take action, but for now, it might be helpful to just validate his feelings and reassure him that you’re there for him. Perhaps, he might want to see another psychologist when he is ready.

Do you mind me asking whether you get to visit him very often? Are these conversations you can have with him in person seeing as he’s quick to get off the phone?

[paddyanne]

Hi Froffie. Are you able to drop in to see your father, yourself just to reassure you and him that you still want to 'be there' for him. He's possibly afraid of further complications re: his stroke. Strokes can be quite scary and the person recovering from them can be scared of repercussions from them for some time. If his speech has been affected or he has any sort of memory impairment, this too is frustrating. Maybe gently suggest you go with him to see his Dr for a general check-up. Maybe too, ask if the neighbors would let you know if he needs help and is too nervous to ask. At his age, he probably thinks he is losing his independence and this can cause unnecessary stress. 60+ isn't old, but recovering from anything traumatic can cause all sorts of concern.

[Froffies94]

Thanks for the replys.

We have a break through we think. He has taken himself to see a neurologist for his bad headaches and anxiety.

He lives by himself and blames himself for his past marriage fails and everything that has happened in the past yet we try to remind him that its the past and you cant change it!

I have tried to drop in on many occasions but he would like to keep quite and trys to find excuses for me to continue on. Its quite hard to have a conversation with him of late because he doesn't want to talk about himself what so every including a simple Hi Dad how are you? is quite annoying for him and he try's to avoid the question because he doesn't want to "burden others"

[paddyanne]

Hi Froffie94. Congrats on small steps re: your dad. When our marriages or relationships fail it's easy to self-recriminate. I would refrain from saying you can't change the past, that's not really something anyone wants to hear. Next time he self blames, I suggest you mention how well he has done to self care, he's had a stroke which is scary, but he still obviously manages alone, which is fantastic. Marriage break-ups are always stressful, but had he and his ex wife remained together, things might have gotten worse for both of them. Maybe start inviting him for drives or the occasional meal and get him interested in things he enjoys. Does he have hobbies that he could 'lose' himself in. Hobbies are great therapy and once he has something to look forward to, this could be something maybe both of you could indulge yourself in.