Immediate support
Immediate support

Supporting family and friends

Share tips on supporting a partner, family member or friend with a mental health condition, and seeking support for your own wellbeing.

Start a discussion

FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

View the FAQ

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

View the guidelines
Jump to
Start a discussion

Pinned discussions

Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

All discussions

Start a discussion

Stormi Help...advice on helping my partner get through a really tough time.
  • replies: 9

Hi, first time posting. I'm after we advice on helping my partner get through a really tough time. Background story, my partners dad recently passed away. It's been extremely hard on him. They didn't have the best relationship his dad was tough on hi... View more

Hi, first time posting. I'm after we advice on helping my partner get through a really tough time. Background story, my partners dad recently passed away. It's been extremely hard on him. They didn't have the best relationship his dad was tough on him. In an odd way there was love. Anything I do or say is wrong! I've developed a migraine, I've never suffered from migraines before. The first thing the doctor said was have you had any stress recently ?! I could have just broke down and cried there and then. I love him so much, it kills me that I can't take his pain away. He said last night his had enough. I complain to much and his hit rock bottom, and broke up with me. Yet didn't want me to do anywhere. We shared our bed and went to sleep next to each other. I am lost, I have no idea what to do. I've suggested he / we speck to someone. He refuses. I feel like an emotional punching bag. There's no intermincy to help cover up the tears. I'm just raw. Any insight is more then welcome. Thank you.

StillNewToThis Burnout from partner's depression?
  • replies: 1

Hi, I haven't been here in a while. Life has been very busy and largely going okayish (no really bad episodes). But recently, I've just been feeling very tired and flat. As a bit of a background, my wife has BPD, in the past she has been suicidal wit... View more

Hi, I haven't been here in a while. Life has been very busy and largely going okayish (no really bad episodes). But recently, I've just been feeling very tired and flat. As a bit of a background, my wife has BPD, in the past she has been suicidal with roughly seven (thankfully unsuccessful) suicide attempts in the last seven years that I've been with her. She swings a bit between depression and anxiety, but currently it seems to mainly be depression. She used to talk to me about how she's doing, but stopped that some time ago and gets extremely defensive when I ask, or worse yet, suggest that we go to the psychiatrist, that she hasn't been to in at least six months, but probably much longer than that. Our relationship currently isn't very good and I think some of that might be my fault as well. She's EXTREMELY negative and I, as a naturally positive person, find this very hard to deal with. If I fix something that she has wanted to be fixed for a while, I sometimes get a very brief "thanks", but it's usually followed by her complaining that I didn't do X, Y and Z. I'm really struggling with this and while I'm naturally definitely more of a lazy person, I just feel like this zaps all my energy and it's hard to motivate myself to do things that we want done if I know she's just going to complain about something afterwards regardless. I should mention that we also have a two year old son whom we both love, but he's not an easy child. He's very fixated on me, which she finds very hard to deal with. If she picks him up, he'll ask for me most of the time. Does anyone have any tips on how I can deal with my wife a bit better? Also, would there happen to be any support meetings for people with partners/family with BPD?

RubyDiamonds Losing hope
  • replies: 2

My partner has been suffering from anxiety for a few years now. He refuses to see anyone for it, won’t talk to anyone and has ruled out medication. His anxiety is debilitating and affects all parts of our lives. I’m beginning to resent the fact that ... View more

My partner has been suffering from anxiety for a few years now. He refuses to see anyone for it, won’t talk to anyone and has ruled out medication. His anxiety is debilitating and affects all parts of our lives. I’m beginning to resent the fact that I am the only one dealing with this. It's a lot for me to deal with on top of my career, my own health problems and general life. He refuses to reach out to friends and family. I’ve tried speaking with them myself to get them involved but they just sort of come and go. I feel isolated, alone, and scared for the future. I feel like I’m suffocating and that it is not fair for me to be shouldering the full load of this situation to a point that my own life and health are suffering. I’m not a professional, I’m his girlfriend. I can only love and support him which I do in bucket-loads. My life currently revolves around him. I have to constantly check in on him when I’m at work and have dropped everything else in my life. I’ve even had to cancel and cut short some work trips because he’s been in such a bad way. He seems to think his mental health problems are just going to disappear on their own or that he should just give up entirely (he floats between these two extremes). It’s getting worse and I feel myself pulling further and further away because I don’t want him to rely solely on me. He needs serious professional help. I told him if he doesn’t get help that our relationship will probably not survive. It’s not my proudest moment and I feel guilty for being so blunt but I feel it’s the truth and it’s coming from a place of love (tough love) because I want him to get better. I just can’t see myself coping like this much longer. It’s too much for me. I want him to understand that he needs to try everything and to stop ruling things out before giving them a go. When I told him we may not survive he said that there’s no point in trying then because without me he’s got no reason to live. He then broke down and begged me not to ever leave him. I reinforced that I need to see him taking some serious steps towards TRYING to get better. I just want to see him putting in effort but he still hasn’t made any appointments or accepted my suggestions to take action. I’ve offered to make and go to appointments with him but he just doesn’t respond to me or says (usually angrily) “you're not listening to me! I know none of that will work for me”. Am I being unreasonable? I feel like a monster.

brokenheartedandlost Lost the love of my life and best friend.
  • replies: 10

G’day, Ive looked at beyondblue in the past but never thought I’d have to post something on here. I’m a bit lost and am just trying to find someways to help me get through life at the moment. I’ve been with my wife for the last 13 years(since I was 2... View more

G’day, Ive looked at beyondblue in the past but never thought I’d have to post something on here. I’m a bit lost and am just trying to find someways to help me get through life at the moment. I’ve been with my wife for the last 13 years(since I was 21 and she was 19) and married for the 8 of them. We have always been great friends as well as partners and said what made us great was we were a team, getting through everything together. We have both had a tough time in the last year. My wife especially has been very depressed(undiagnosed)the last 10-12 months. Last year my wife’s family friend killed himself. A week later my best friends sister died randomly in her sleep from an undiagnosed rare heart condition. A month later her pop died. Then 2 days before Xmas my shooting coach passed away. Then her grandma left us a few months back and 2 weeks ago my father in laws best friend died. She also left her job as a manager of a cafe. To get out of that industry, she is opening her own business tending gardens for people. she’s always had a drinking problem, her whole family are heavy drinkers and it’s how she’s grown up. Any social occasion, sunny day, knock off from work, holidays, any excuse really, ends up involving alcohol. When she finished her job she started drinking heavily and locked herself away from me. Emotionally and physically. We haven’t slept in the same bed since March and she hardly talks to me. She became increasingly angry at me and every time we tried to talk she’d yell and storm off. I struggled with it because I could never ask enough questions to understand why she was so upset and angry. There were a few small issues but don’t have enough space here to discuss everything atm. a months ago we had a discussion about it all and I felt a lot better about the situation and felt we had bridged a gap and we’re moving forward. She even said when she’s back at work she’ll feel better, drink less and I felt she’d have a clearer mind. Sleeping in. Drinking all day. Getting a terrible sleep each night from the alcohol. And being by herself has been very destructive for her. 5 days ago we had a chat and she said “I don’t see the point. I’m done.” I asked what she meant and she said were different people and she doesn’t want to be here anymore. she wants to get divorced. this whole time she’s felt terrible I’ve suggested seeing someone but she’s not willing to do it. i feel her drinking is clouding her mind but she won’t listen to me.

Pimsy Husband has PTSD and physical disabilities
  • replies: 1

Hello. I'm a male originally from America, but I moved to Australia 5 years ago to be with my now husband (I'll call him George). I knew he had PTSD from prior abuse but it was under control when I first arrived. All was well until George had a fall ... View more

Hello. I'm a male originally from America, but I moved to Australia 5 years ago to be with my now husband (I'll call him George). I knew he had PTSD from prior abuse but it was under control when I first arrived. All was well until George had a fall in a public area. His injuries were severe enough that he required two shoulder surgeries, and also has foot issues that need addressing. His GP at the time did not take the injuries seriously, so tests were not immediately ordered. Over the last few years, he's gotten progressively worse. His PTSD has been exacerbated by both his injuries and our confrontational duplex neighbour, who bullies George because she thinks he's a "nutjob." Dealing with her and the Strata managers has led to much anxiety and stress for both of us. We got George onto the NDIS, but thanks to inadequate support coordination and underfunding have gotten precious little out of them. He's constantly dealing with incompetence and winds up doing their job for them, except they get paid and he gets nothing but stress. With George's limitations, I'm serving as his full-time carer and am unable to seek work (all I'd be earning would go to a nurse for him anyway right now). The bad days are beginning to outnumber the good, and with my family in the states and few friends nearby, it all falls back onto me. Recently, a failed nerve block injection injured his trapezius, and he's been in excruciating pain for over a month. He's so unsteady that I usually have to hold him while he walks, and lying down to sleep in any position makes the pain worse. He's fallen off the couch twice in the past few days and actually wet himself before he could summon me with his LiveLife alarm. I'm still trying to get the carpet clean. With all my attention turned to George, our house is falling into disrepair. I'm also having to look after our two dogs, who started fighting after George's injury and now must be kept separated at all times. Finding a temporary home for one of them is something we want to do, but we can't seem to get anything done with these constant setbacks. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this alone, but good help is hard to find and we can't afford most options. I'm beginning to fear we'll never manage to turn our lives around and get George better. I want to believe it, but I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed time and time again. Please, does anyone have any advice? We need help, and fast. Thank you.

Bonnie15 My husband cries uncontrollably with depression
  • replies: 3

My husband has major depression and at times cries uncontrollably. Unfortunately I don't know what to do and feel totally helpless. The only thing I feel I can do is hold him until his sobs subside. His DNA (which we have had tested) prohibits him fr... View more

My husband has major depression and at times cries uncontrollably. Unfortunately I don't know what to do and feel totally helpless. The only thing I feel I can do is hold him until his sobs subside. His DNA (which we have had tested) prohibits him from getting any relief from medication - nothing seems to work. We are about to undertake ECT treatment with all fingers and toes crossed in the hope he can get some relief from the massive pain he feels. He's a broken man and it's so very, very sad to see a fun person with such a loving and caring personality destroyed by such an insidious disease. Does anyone have anything I can do to be of more support to this darling man. Thank you, Bonnie.

Kat64 My son has C PTSD
  • replies: 6

Hi everyone hope you are all doing ok My son is 17 years old he has C-PTSD from childhood trauma as we where a bad relationship with his dad / my ex I have been with counsellors for years but its hard because my son has self eletive mutism and wont s... View more

Hi everyone hope you are all doing ok My son is 17 years old he has C-PTSD from childhood trauma as we where a bad relationship with his dad / my ex I have been with counsellors for years but its hard because my son has self eletive mutism and wont speak to counsellors he wont open up to anyone and refuses to let anyone in.. im the only one he talks to but only about general things... Is this total shutting down and refusing to let anyone help him part of CPTSD ??? Thank for taking the time to read this

Amber_Bui Recurring Anxiety in Uni
  • replies: 2

Hi Everyone, This thread isn't about me though I'm anxious most of the time, too. It's about someone I love and care for. He often gets uni-related anxiety. And the issue worsens during exam periods. He failed a subject in his second year due to pers... View more

Hi Everyone, This thread isn't about me though I'm anxious most of the time, too. It's about someone I love and care for. He often gets uni-related anxiety. And the issue worsens during exam periods. He failed a subject in his second year due to personal issues including separation anxiety; and constantly feels anxious since then. He thinks he's not smart enough and does not study hard enough to pass the exams. And failing rate of the degree that he's taking is freaking him out. Personally, I don't see any issues with his ability to do well in school. I really want to help him. Especially he still has 1.5 years to go. He has seen a GP and tried taking the medication but the side effects are screwing up with his cognitive functionality, making him feel unwell. If you've been through this or know how to help to better the problem, please let me know. Thank you!!!

JennyS79 Depressed husband drug abuse & cheating
  • replies: 4

My world has been turned upsidedown. I love my husband of 10 years and I don’t know what to do. Looking for some advice or similar life experiences. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, but I’m still in shock that the bombs of information keep dropping. I... View more

My world has been turned upsidedown. I love my husband of 10 years and I don’t know what to do. Looking for some advice or similar life experiences. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, but I’m still in shock that the bombs of information keep dropping. In November at 4am on a Wed morning I called my OH who was interstate working. I hadn’t been able to sleep properly for months. I kept having dreams he was cheating on me. At 4am that morning all I said on the phone to him was “just be honest with me please, have you been unfaithful “...he said “yes I cheated on you twice”. After this phone call I was physically sick, I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t go to work. I pulled my shit together to get the kids ready for school dropped them off, my sister came over, I called a locksmith to change all the locks on the house and put his belongings at the front of the house. We separated because of the cheating but my boys still needed there dad, as much as I didn’t want to see him, they needed him so is still involved in their lives. In the weeks that followed he admittedto being depressed and suicidal the past year or so. I wanted to support him through seeking treatment for his depression. He has seen a psychologist by himself and we’ve also been together. He went to a wellness retreat for 7 days. Then 2 weeks ago he admitted to me he also subscribed to online cheating websites last year. And last week another new admission - to spending thousands $ on cocaine in 2018 which he would buy when interstate for work and use by himself (& with the ONS) in his hotel room. The psychologists didn’t know about the drug abuse. Taking a step back: My husband has a family history of depression and addiction. Over the years I have seen him change into something that doesn’t represent the man I married. Years ago I tried to talk to him it and he would shut down. In life he was like a passenger in the backseat. He wasn’t present. It was a strain on our relationship. I didn’t feel emotionally connected to him, so the past few years intimacy was very limited in our relationship. To me it felt like a stranger was trying to kiss me or make love to me. It made me feel dirty and taken advantage of. He wouldn’t admit to depression or seek help, so it escalated to using drugs and having ONS as escapism. This made his depression worse. He can’t remember most of 2018. Is there any chance that I will be able to forgive & forget? What sort of life.Should I just start a new life with my kids.

princesspeaches ADVICE DESPERATELY NEEDED - Partner with severe depression and possible schizophrenia or bipolar??
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, I'll try to make this as succinct as possible! My partner suffers from severe depression and anxiety and has for most of his life (he is not on medication as he doesn't like the idea of itand is only just going to start seeing a psycholo... View more

Hi everyone, I'll try to make this as succinct as possible! My partner suffers from severe depression and anxiety and has for most of his life (he is not on medication as he doesn't like the idea of itand is only just going to start seeing a psychologist). He has also been given a possible schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder or bipolar diagnosis but GP didn't want to be the one to confirm that so psychologist will be looking into that further. He also has a family history of a range of mental illness including schizophrenia and his sister is currently in hospital dealing with it along with addiction. I want to support him in the best way that I possibly can however he is having delusions that make him believe that I have had a threesome with 2 other men - now just FYI this has never happened and I have been completely faithful, loving and supportive to him. He believes I look at other men and talk to other men behind his back and this is a lot deeper than just him having trust issues because he believes that situations that we've never been in have happened and etc. I guess what I want to know is how I can take care of myself and my own health because it is taking a huge toll on my own mental health and having a poor mental health history myself this is scaring me that I am going to spiral downwards myself. I want to know how I can take care of me and take care of him at the same time and ensure that we're both getting what we need while he goes through this difficult time in his life? He is his compassionate, funny, loving self these days about 50% of the time and the other 50% is so bad that I am worried he might do something to himself even though he remains adamant that he wouldn't. Any advice would be appreciated!!