Advice needed on addicted partner staying with him or leaving

[Tilly2019]

Hi all
I need some guidance and advice on what and how to approach my situation, my partner of 7 years has got a crippling alcohol addiction, his mother and father is also alcoholics, he sufferes from depression and anxiety, ive been struggling with my own mental health, our relationship has been a very toxic rollercoaster which hit a low point for me when the only way i could leave him was suicide... the past two years with him since then have been a massive eye opener and he did try to get help but failed and has given up completely on our relationship and himself. I i put alot of my time and love into him and now the relationship has escalated even more And is slowly making me mentally unstable again. How after so long do i pick myself from this relationship and move forward ive done nothing but support him and encourage getting help but he is in complete denial now and im at a cross roads with giving up completely and leaving him to get his act together and focus on myself and mental health or staying with him and helping him aswell.

Thankyou

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Tilly2019,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.Although I must say, I am so sorry to hear of your struggles, and how terrible this situation is for you.

Living with and loving an alcoholic is too much for many people. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and affects all of those who come into contact with it, but there is help available.

I would like to suggest, if you haven't already, to get in touch with a fellowship called 'Al-anon'. Al-anon is a fellowship for the friends and family of those affected by someone else's drinking. There is no requirement at all to attend a meeting; you can just turn up to any meeting you like. You don't need to book in or call ahead.

Alternatively, if you do want to talk to someone, the number to call is 1300 252 666, and the link to the website is below;

https://www.al-anon.org.au/

You may not be able to do anything to help him, but you can certainly do something to help yourself. Please know that you are not alone in this.

I too have loved more than one alcoholic (I am a recovered alcoholic myself - sober coming up 23 years now) and I actually went to Al-anon before I went to AA ..... I thought my problems were everybody else's fault. Eventually I realised, through losing every friendship and relationship I had, that the problem was with me, and not the rest of the world. But it took the people who loved me to walk away and say, and indeed SHOW me that enough was enough.

Sometimes, in order to help try to save someone, you gotta save yourself first. You can't help a drowning person if you too are drowning alongside them.

In the meantime, please feel free to come back here as much as you want. And know too that I will be keeping you in my thoughts. If you want to know more, please don't hesitate to ask.

Take care. xo

[geoff]

Hello Tilly, and a warm welcome to the forums.

I can feel the pain you are having to cope with because that's one reason why my marriage ended and now understand why as I too was in denial.

Your own safety is of paramount concern, so as Soberlicious has said contact Al-Anon who are able to help families and friends of those who had been affected by the alcohol.

With him being in denial can be a common symptom of alcohol use and it can keep the person from seeking treatment believing they are not doing anything wrong, so honesty is replaced by the lies that develop.

When his parents are also alcoholics one feeds the other so you are left on the outside to try and cope on your own and this is where you need support, simply because you can't just 'hope' that he will stop, he will only do this when he decides to.

His doctor can prescribe a particular type of medication that reduces his urge or need to stop his drinking, but this will only work if that's what he wants to do and I have taken it, so I know that it works, however, he has his parents in the background, which makes your job much harder.

If this is 'is slowly making you mentally unstable', then have you thought about taking a step back and have no contact and I realise the ramifications of this happening, but I'd really like to hear back from, as I only socially drink.

Take care.

Geoff.