Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done

Chumptastic · ‎16-06-2020

Hi,

since finding out my husband of 12 years cheated & lied to me for the whole relationship yet portraying himself as a champion of women & a totally devoted empathetic husband my life has gone from one disaster after another. My 21 year old son had seizures & was in icu in feb. Unknown cause & he still can’t drive, still going for lots of tests & specialist appts, my 2 cats died in the last 6 months. I had to put my beloved horse down last Friday. My job ends in 2 weeks & I don’t have another. And my now ex is being horrendous about the property settlement. I’ve had to hire a lawyer at $500 an hour to even get just 50% which the ex is only conceding to give me 44%. That’s the measure of his fake remorse. They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Bullshit. There’s only so much you can take before your permanently damaged. I had an ultrasound to check a cyst yesterday & was disappointed to learn the cyst has shrunk. Ovarian cancer would have been a graceful way out of the shitstorm that is my life.

Chumptastic · ‎25-07-2020

Today went ok until I downed a bottle of red tonight. This was in celebration of the good day. I’m v drunk as since hospital & new meds I’ve been off the turps altogether.
anyway the reason why the day went so well is I took back my power from ex husband-abuser. He said that if I send another abusive email (email only said POS at the end) he’d block me & we’d be forced to use lawyers to communicate. I turned tables on him & said great idea!We don’t have anything to talk about now the farms been sold so after this email hes blocked. I also said it’s funny he sees abuse in emails when his abuse in the form of gaslighting, lying cheating & sexual assault that spans 2 marriages and 3 decades is perfectly fine by him.
I felt AWESOME after I sent it & blocked him. Like I’d taken my power back. I went bushwalking with a friend, watched queer eye & decided I needed a total makeover. Then I drank too much wine & age too much chocolate & now I feel terrible again. I can’t drink while on these tablets. One step forward two steps back

Sophie_M · ‎25-07-2020

Hi Chumptastic,

We're glad to hear that you had a good day that helped you to feel more empowered in your communication with your ex, and it's great to hear that you spent some time in nature with a friend. It sounds like there are a lot of positives to be drawn from the day.

We're sorry to hear that you're feeling terrible at the moment. Taking steps towards wellness is a journey, and sometimes we stumble. If you're not sure that drinking alcohol is safe with the medication you're on, we'd suggest that you speak to a registered nurse at HealthDirect on 1800 022 222, or another 24 hour telehealth service.

It sounds like you've had a long day. Sometimes when you’re feeling terrible, especially at night, the thing you need most is sleep. If your mind is still going 100 kilometres an hour after you’ve hopped into bed, put on some calming tunes and put your phone on aeroplane mode. Then slowly tense and release one muscle in your body at a time. You should soon be able to drift off.

You might also find our Beyond Blue resource helpful:

“Drugs, alcohol and mental health” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/drugs-alcohol-and-mental-health

We hope that you're feeling a little better since you posted. Please feel free to keep us updated on your journey whenever you're feeling up to it.

ecomama · ‎26-07-2020

Hi Chumptastic

You are not alone but I am well down the track from where you are now. I'm a fellow Chump, my D Day was around 6-7 years ago. Disgusting marriage of almost 20y - thank God it's over.

So much of what you're going through was my past. For almost 12 months I had serious thoughts of suicide. exH told me to do it so many times with glee.

I completely gave up alcohol when my psych friend warned me that it "turns up the volume" on emotions we have inside. I'm so grateful I did because the next 5y was like living in hell - but sober!

I really got my sh** together and fought tooth and nail. Sold anything of value and anything on the side of the road of value. Years of Church food handouts.

I decided that I would never let him "win" by me exiting life early.

5 Courts was indescribable. I don't want to dwell on exH traits but suffice to say Police ranked it as a psychopath and it was far worse than that.

I survived and won magnificently.

You can phone Women's Legal Service for free advice. They were freaking BRILLIANT for me.

I'm relieved to hear you have blocked ex. You don't need to "save" anyone else but yourself right now.

I visited Chump Nation often before the Court fiasco began. It really helped bolster me.

I've had a Counsellor through Uniting for around 5y (I can't recall exactly) and she has been amazing. They charge on a "sliding scale" so you can pay next to nothing. I pay nothing due to reporting to the Royal Commission re: exH and family.

Remember we are MIGHTY. You will rise up and get through this. You will look back one day and say "good riddance to bad rubbish". And this time will NOT define you.

I hope your son improves, your legal wrangles are short lived AND you find secure employment when you can handle it.

Sending Prayers for your strength and fortitude.
EM

Chumptastic · ‎27-07-2020

On Saturday I emailed the ex to tell him as from now he’s blocked from all forms of communication with me. It felt great to turn the tables on him & finally not have have a panic attack every time I see an email from him. I felt so great I had a little food & wine celebration on sat night which was very counter productive as you can imagine. But all in all a better weekend than I had in a while.
except now the nausea & stomach pain is back and along with it, anxiety in the form of heart palpitations & breathlessness. Also didn’t sleep last night.
so back to feeling awful. One step forward two steps back keeps me in exactly the same position. And I’m all alone t home again today 😞

ecomama · ‎27-07-2020

Hi 'tastic

Good on you for putting up that boundary on ex's emails. That was more than 1 step forward.

Your emotions may waiver for "a while" but if you get a plan and focus on it, you can regain your ground faster after setbacks.

Setbacks can be expected... for "a while".

You're not going to let ex claim the whole of your life - no way sister. Why give it the satisfaction?

Your physical symptoms do sound like anxiety, but tbh it's no wonder you've had anxiety. It's a difficult situation.

I know your employment is also in a tricky place.... keep grounding yourself with any grounding exercises you can do during this time.

The employment issues are what so many are facing right now. For this AND tackling the settlement issue, you will need to strengthen your rational side.

Alcohol turns up the volume on your emotional side. Our rational side is severely diminished or flies right out the window. Just saying.

Keep posting here, seeking help for you and your situation on any fronts will get you focussed and in a place where you can develop a plan.

Have you sought Mediation for Property Settlement yet?

EM

Chumptastic · ‎27-07-2020

Thanks EM. I’m trying to work but combination of tiredness & dizzyness & nausea is not helping.
The ex offered mediation but my lawyer says it would be a waste of money given his utter lack of negotiation so far. The property settles in 3 weeks. If he hasn’t given a genuine offer by then we will proceed to court. And I will be asking for more bc of my mental health.
just wish I could feel physically well.

ecomama · ‎27-07-2020

Hi tastic

Not good to hear you're feeling so unwell. This type of stress really does it to you, I hear you. Hugs.
Have you considered getting a MHCP from GP and seeing a Psych?
I have both a Counsellor and psych now but getting alot better.

Do try to focus on your work - almost impossible I know but practising compartmentalisation really helps.
You get better at this over time.

Ummm your lawyer said no point in Mediation and this could very well be true.
BUT Family Law demands parties attempt Mediation in ALL cases.

You can phone Women's Legal Service (WLS). They were my constant "go to" lawyers for clear advice.
THEY have no financial gain with their advice. Other lawyers may have $$ as a motivator as I understood from the get go.
WLS will give you cutting edge advice and were the ONLY legals in my cases to be all over the changes in Family Law.

IF you attempt Mediation and it fails, it's THEN you get a Certificate to lodge in Family Law Court / Federal Circuit Court with a clear path.

In my understanding if you DON'T attempt Mediation and lodge in FL Court anyway, the first thing they'll do, probably in the first hearing, is send you both off to Mediation. This delays things and makes it more expensive.

You do not need a lawyer to book Mediation. I know people who ONLY used a lawyer to spot check during the process then sign off.

Best wishes
EM

Chumptastic · ‎27-07-2020

Thanks EM, the ex was suggesting a private mediator at a cost of 5.5k. And I’d have to pay my lawyer to be there too at $500/hour. I’d rather wait for a court ordered mediation. I had a phone interview with the WLS at the beginning which I found helpful. But I thought it was only for people who can’t afford a lawyer. I’ve got savings although they’re feeling the strain of it.
I’ve already burned thru 9 of my 10 MHCP psych appts this year with my previous psych. I’ve got a chronic disease plan where you get $50 back but haven’t found a new psych yet. The one I had was not helping me anymore. I need one skilled with trauma & abuse.

ecomama · ‎27-07-2020

Hi tastic

"I’d rather wait for a court ordered mediation."
Excellent. Under the same circumstances so would I.

Women's Legal Service is for any women. They do not represent you but DO give you excellent advice. They are free for advice, probably saving me thousands. I found I could direct my lawyers and Barristers far better because of their advice, instead of the other way around lol.

"I need one skilled with trauma & abuse."
I phoned 1800RESPECT this year and they gave me the name of only ONE Psychologist, specialising in trauma - PTSD etc, they would recommend in my area. And it's a highly populated area. They hit the nail on the head as even though she's tough on me lol, I have made incredible gains.

I got a Unifam Counsellor because of their "note-taking" style, with no knowledge of this at the time of my GP.

Throughout the years of Courts I was too afraid to engage a Psychologist because of subpoenas I predicted ex would demand. And he did. He subpoenaed the life out of my personal life, there is a God lol and she loves me!
Those subpoenas did far more harm to ex than they ever could have done to me.

I'm sad to say that IME the Court system is archaic and extremely patriarchal. I found countless times by "witnessing" many FL cases, they DO NOT view Mental Health issues in any respectful regard.
In fact there is paperwork for either party to basically 'report' if the other does have MIs and it's not viewed well from what I've witnessed.

I would be extremely guarded about this.
Proving abuse is one thing for more % of assets.
Claiming MIs is another thing entirely in the eyes of such institutions.

EM

cait1205 · ‎27-07-2020

If you are still struggling. Think about the people you love. The things you love. If you feel alone lifeline are there. Don’t be afraid to reach out, it was the best thing I ever did. You’ve already made such a huge step to share.
Remember you are loved.