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Nothing good has happened for 2 years and I’m done
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Hi,
since finding out my husband of 12 years cheated & lied to me for the whole relationship yet portraying himself as a champion of women & a totally devoted empathetic husband my life has gone from one disaster after another. My 21 year old son had seizures & was in icu in feb. Unknown cause & he still can’t drive, still going for lots of tests & specialist appts, my 2 cats died in the last 6 months. I had to put my beloved horse down last Friday. My job ends in 2 weeks & I don’t have another. And my now ex is being horrendous about the property settlement. I’ve had to hire a lawyer at $500 an hour to even get just 50% which the ex is only conceding to give me 44%. That’s the measure of his fake remorse. They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Bullshit. There’s only so much you can take before your permanently damaged. I had an ultrasound to check a cyst yesterday & was disappointed to learn the cyst has shrunk. Ovarian cancer would have been a graceful way out of the shitstorm that is my life.
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HI Leesy,
Thanks for your reply. My sister in law drove down from newcastle to get me into a public mental health unit in Sydney at the recommendation of the mental health nurse who called me after BB called after my post. I'm still super distressed & still suicidal alot of the time & because of covid we can't have more than one visitor a day. When I'm with my friends I feel normal and almost happy. When I'm alone with my thoughts I feel suicidal even in here. They're changing my meds which is making me anxious. Food is crap. I'll be here at least a week. I don't think I'll be much better for some months which is v depressing. I'm lucky I have very good friends but even they couldn't stop my descent into the black pit. Which makes me sad and that I'm not worth their love
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Sending you as much comfort and love as humanly possible to you right now Chumptastic ❤️ We are all here for you to chat and keep you company during this week.
I know from your previous post that checking into the mental health unit was not what you wanted or had planned, and the thing you tried hard to avoid + how you had been feeling leading up to it. Yet you continue to smart decisions that are not easy or pleasant and try to focus on the silver lining - I hope you realise this and how resilient and level-headed you are being right now in this moment. I imagine having to sacrifice work and the comforts of home is far from ideal (to put it nicely) but you did it and looked for the good in a very dark situation. - like your beautiful friends. You say that you are not worth there love and I get that. Truth be told, maybe in this moment you are requiring more from the friendship than they are, but friendship is a relationship and thats part of it, you should lean on them if you need to and try not to feel guilty for it. I think the most beautiful thing about friends in general is that they are there for us because they want to be, and they obviously stand by us because we have offered them something at some point, been a good friend in return. It's so nice to hear that you have a good support network around you and that they are offering you that sense of "home" during this time. I empathise with you during the times though when no one can be there - they are the worst and the mind can be your worst enemy.
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Hi Chumptastic,
I'm so sorry you had that experience. The system is there to support you but on occasion we are confronted by people who are less than helpful. Can I ask how you got on? Please keep checking in here, we care about you and would like to support you as much as we can.
LP
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Hi LP & LL,
while I was in I got scheduled, just for saying I wanted to go home. Thankfully it only lasted about 3 days. The week in the MHU was a break & I had a great psychologist & the psychiatrist was also good. Food was awful, if you can go private you should. There are more structured programs in private as well as better food. My fellow inmates were also nice. A stint in a psych ward is a great leveller. But I really don’t feel that much better. Nothing’s changed. Less suicidal but still very down & crying daily. I’m getting so sick of it all. I had the acute care team visit today which was good. They’ve given me some advice about financial counsellors. I’m getting some unwanted side effects from the new meds tho. which are getting worse. Seeing Gp again tomorrow. I’m leaning a lot on my Gp as I can’t afford more psych appts. He is a bit cross with the psychiatrist for putting me on non-PBS meds that are $$$ & for also telling me my previous antidepressants are lethal. It was a dumb thing for him to divulge. I do have lovely friends but I don’t want to wear them out. Compassion fatigue is a thing after almost 2 years of shit.
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Mental health wards can be difficult!
I've been in a few.
I was put on meds that weren't explained to me and started doing my own research bcas of symptoms. I feel that has given me some leverage when I talk to psychiatrists. It also really opened my eyes! I was told a med I was on was SAFE by a psychiatrist...oh...the...lies.
My last stint nearly 2 years ago now was for 3 months. The food started tasting horrible after that time so I feel you there.
Sorry to hear things are tough ATM with the crying and feeling down. I sincerely hope you feel better soon.
I've also had a lot of years of crap. Bad things happen to good ppl unfortunately.
It's heartening to see all the support you are getting here.
🙂
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Hi Chumptastic,
Thanks for checking in and updating us on what you are continuing to go through. It sounds like your time in MHU was positive but it didn't really change how you were feeling much. I wanted to comment on the friend compassion fatigue insight that you mentioned. I can absolutely relate to that. Particularly if you have been the 'strong' one in the past and now it seems like a long time to be the one that needs the support. It can feel like you are wearing them out, but just remember that they are friends for a reason. They care about you. And what would you do if they were in your position? Remember how many times you have been there for them.
I find it helps me to check in with those friends about what struggles they are going through even at the toughest personal times. It shows you care and brings you out of yourself and can help shift perspective.
Its good to hear your GP is a good support to you right now. You mentioned you are having some unwanted side effects from your new meds. If you feel up to sharing what those are it would be great to hear back from you.
Keep holding on, you are doing so well. Big Hugs
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Hi,
Glad to hear back from you after your stint at the MHW, it does sound like it was able to offer some temporary relief which is good news. I hear you though, it's still really tough and it feels like nothing has changed. I'm sorry you are still really down and crying most days, feel that way is depressing so I can understand that you would be feeling sick of it! Some people say crying is good which I do believe, but after a while its just so exhausting.
What your psych said about the meds being lethal - that sounds scary, and you are right in that it was probably unprofessional on his part. Lucky for your GP, they sound like a good allie to have on your side. I hope together you are able to find some meds that help, that suit you. Finding the right meds is not always easy, side effects are far from great (I cant believe he told you it was lethal!), but I do know without a doubt that it has been life changing for some people.
I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way but talking with you about the MHW and the difference between public vs. private has been really insightful and helpful. I don't know if I mentioned this but I'm a provisional psychologist and your honest opinions about having to leave work, get admitted, scheduling, the horrible foods, differences in programs and the presence of nice inmates have resonated with me and reminded me about whats important. You have changed the way I think about MHW, the good bad and ugly- so thank-you.
I understand a little about what you are saying about leaning too heavily on your friends. I actually really respect that.
Write as often as you want here, without those same worries ❤️
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Hey,
I hope you don't mind, I was scrolling through the threads and I saw a post that reminded me of you so I'd thought I's share it with you. It was a discussion about MHW, where people can go on and read/share their experiences. Thought you might like it, or find interesting to read and maybe connect with.
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Hi Leesy Lou,
im glad my experiences as a patient helped you. Both public & private MHW were positive overall. As is my ACT experiences.
anyway an update. Went to hospital today for my nausea & stomach pain. They did blood tests etc & couldn’t find anything but it might be the new antidepressant meds. Was a wasted day in ED. home now & desolate. Nice lady in suicide callback service advised me to call the mental health line about whether I should take the meds tonight given my stomach pain. Idk last time I spoke with them they wanted to call me an ambulance.
Suicidal again. I have had to admit that I can’t work anymore. My brain is not functioning. Don’t know what to say to them. Don’t know what I’ll do. I’d really love it if my eldest son could be my advocate for my work & for my legal stuff with ex. I need a break. Wish I’d stayed in hospital longer now. I can’t ask my son bc he’s just got his first full time job & it’s a super special one working for defence in diplomatic/legal capacity. He’s a very smart boy. Hasn’t even finished his law degree yet. How I had 2 sons that are so smart & kind & lovely is beyond me.
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We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.